Who's Taking Care of You?

Let's face it. As a rule, women are pretty flat out awesome. They manage their families, work from and outside the home (usually at a lower rate than a man). They run carpools and corporations. They volunteer in their community, their church and their kids' schools. They coach Little League, lead scout troops and help feed the homeless. They care for aging parents, next door neighbors and their friend's kiddos. They lift weights, run marathons and kill it at Cross Fit. They deprive themselves of carbs, sugar, gluten and fat. If they're not doing all of these things, they, pretty much, think they should be and are quiet adept at giving themselves a good stern talking to when they miss the mark. Especially at this time of year. December of one year is getting ready to roll into January of the next and all around the country, if not the world, women are assessing all of their shortcomings and shoulds while mustering all the determination and willpower they can. It's exhausting to think about isn't it?

Somewhere in the middle of all the doing, countless women are lost. They're lost and disconnected. Maybe it's you. I know it's been me. Only now something is happening. There is a major life shift going on in my life and by golly, I think it can happen for you, too.



Today, I am hyper aware, intensely sensitive and downright emotional. Today, this very day, I feel as if I've walked out of a fog and stepped into the middle of a technicolor LIFE! It's not overly dramatizing the way I feel when I say I feel like I just got my LIFE, my WHOLE awesome LIFE, handed back to me. And it is nothing short of amazing.



If you were to ask me how I lost myself, I'd be hard-pressed to tell you. It was one step then another, one omission of self care after another, one decision after another. It was nothing big but as all those steps, omissions and decisions piled on top of each other, I was suddenly lost, buried. I had no energy,  lived in pain day after day, struggled with mobility, lived in a foggy, stressed, agitated mind. I was at times quite depressed but didn't admit it. I lost my creative spirit, my belief that life would be much better, and my determination/will to care for myself.

As we crossed into New Year's Day 12 months ago, I was struggling to live joyfully. And then April came, and my mother suddenly died. And then July came and my dad died as well. I was pressing on with goals and taking care of necessary business and underneath I was highly str essed, easily irritated, frequently tearful and overall, heartbroken. And I'd gained weight. And I hurt - all the time. All the way down my spine, hips, and worst of all my knees. Somewhere along the way, I felt forced to begin using a cane. I gripped countertops as I tried to support myself. I spent more time in a chair than not. It wasn't pretty. And it wasn't a recipe for feeling better.

But today, this day, this very day, I realized - I don't hurt anywhere. At all. Here's what I believe happened. I embarked on focused self care. I decided  to do everything I could to get better. I reclaimed my life!
1) I changed health care providers.
2) I took advantage of a great physical therapy opportunity. It wasn't convenient, in fact, it was quite inconvenient -  but it was vital that I get the best help I could.
3) I changed my work goals - let go of some things that weren't serving me well.
4) I stepped out of a couple of volunteer roles.
5) I started, one little project at a time, taking control of my environment.
6) I set some limits for my family.
7) I poured my heart out in my journal.
8) I spent the money and took a trip to study something that was important to me.
9) I stopped trying to impress everyone with my great accomplishments and decided to just be me. Period.
10) I utilized a coach to help me through some rough patches.
........ but in spite of all of this, I was still in pain (physically and emotionally).  I was still quite agitated. I was still grieving. I was still confused. THEN
11) I embarked on a very clean eating, anti inflammatory regimen and started working with a health practitioner. I have said numerous times that if you hurt bad enough, you'll make changes. I was there. I accept the limits because I am ready to be free, prayerful it will help the pain.
12) At the same time, I made some changes in my work and accepted ME, just like I am.
13) I detoxed  - physically and emotionally. And I cried a good bit! It was rough for a little while.
14) I started teaching a class on personal growth and another on joy and I benefited as I put my teaching into practice.

This is self care. I made room to care for myself and today, I realize, it gave me room to love everyone else more. For the first time in I don't know how long, I feel creative again. I have genuine energy. I went for a pain-free walk! My brain is clear. It's a remarkable difference. I don't know how long I lived in the fog, I only know I am out and it feels amazing.

I have one main goal this year, one focus: to adjust my life in such a way that I prioritize my spiritual, mental and physical health. When it comes to your life, I ask, "Who is taking care of you?". No one can do it but you. You need to look in the mirror and tell yourself you are worth it. And you are.

My Perfectly Imperfect Christmas

Year after year after year... after year. The struggle has been repeated and relived.The quest for perfection. The desire to live out the best movie scenes. The hope for everything to go just right. The unrelenting pressure (from myself, my friends, and now social media) to look right, be the most dazzling, have every corner of my home photo worthy (Thank you, Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook), serve a remarkable meal, give and receive the most impressive gifts, feed the hungry, experience Jesus in a remarkable way, treasure the tender moments, attend Nutcracker, symphony, Polar Express, local concert, dazzling light display events all over the city and New York, if possible, because that's what the cool people do, light up my lawn like Fantasy in Lights... I MEAN DO IT ALL! I don't but I feel the pressure to. And my nails and hair have to look great, too. And that, my friends, is what Christmas has become to most of us. A quest to create the perfect scenes and memories. A good  Christmas doesn't include death, sickness, financial struggles, choosing to forego unhealthy, lavish meals, job loss, messy homes and emotional breakdowns. All of that can wait because by golly, it's Christmas.

I remember the year I insisted we get up early and shower, put on our Christmas regalia before gifts and probably before stockings, so that our pictures would look perfect. Stylish. I have spent countless dollars buying things meant to impress others and somehow create perfection. I have spent weeks choosing the perfect Southern Living menu, centerpiece, decorations - all intended to make me feel like, and make others believe, we have a perfect life. And it has worn me out. Every year. I have had to struggle to remember the Reason for the Season. And somehow it has made me more aware of the imperfections - struggling to correct them all - which is impossible.

                                    

This Christmas has been different. It was completely (and perfectly) imperfect.  My side of the family has suffered numerous deaths this year including both of my parents. One of the deaths was my father's sister a couple of weeks ago. Her memorial service was the 23rd - my husband and I planned on going together as he knew it would be hard on me. Unfortunately, he was the victim of a nasty respiratory flu and had to stay home. We had kids moving out of our house, other kids moving to a new home in a new state, a police officer who had to work, a home neglected during all the grieving... so much imperfection. The week leading up to Christmas, I chose to leave the neglected house (hire someone to do the cleaning) and go see my daughter's new home a few hours away. On Thursday night I drove home for the night. Avoided my sick husband like the plague, repacked and Friday morning headed to North Carolina for yet another funeral. After the service and a little family time, I got in my car and returned to Georgia to begin my Christmas. It was dinner on the 23rd when I returned. How in the world was I going to create a perfect Christmas? I only returned home a couple of hours before the kids started arriving. How, I ask you, and better yet, when?

Well, I simply decided not to. I accepted  that my house would not look perfect. I opted for projector lights for outside instead of putting my husband to task creating a grand (and impressive) light display. I simplified all the meals. I patted myself on the back for getting my tree and nativity up (and let go of the need to pull out all the decorations and my very many ornaments). I left the countertop a little messy and chose to focus on what really mattered. What, indeed, was that? If not creating the perfect Norman Rockwell scene, what actually mattered?

 

The PEOPLE. We sat in pjs, watched movies, read books to our granddaughter, played with the rubber ducky nativity.  We may have built a fire, I don't remember. If anyone had hot chocolate, they made it themselves. We face timed with our other granddaughter who, at only 9 months old, was in the hospital. We gave thanks, abundant and genuine thanks, for her release from the hospital on Christmas Day (no surgery needed! 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻). My scenes weren't necessarily photo worthy, but there were some good ones - if they were well cropped. My food tasted good even if it wasn't as fancy as normal. I didn't give the most meaningful or impressive gifts, but my family seemed grateful. The Christmas cards were never even bought this year, but I told people I love them. My business Open House never happened. I went to bed in tears Christmas Eve worrying about my granddaughters - I told you one was in the hospital, the other was spiking a pretty good fever.

 

BUT, and do not miss this, I felt closer to Jesus than I have in a while. I felt the love of my imperfect family and my slightly imperfect husband (he's pretty close to perfect). I was able to have 2 of my 3 sets of kids with me. And while it was sad that Army life created some tough choices for one son and his wife, I was glad to have him stay with us while she went to Texas. I spent my days in the living room playing and listening instead of off in the kitchen trying to be Martha Stewart. I enjoyed Christmas. I wasn't numb. Sometimes I was sad and that's ok. I found the perfection right in the middle and actually, because of the imperfection. I started on a mission to help others find more joy and less stress during this season and was fully blessed by it myself. Glory Hallelujah! I found the time to sit and imagine  the sights, sounds and smells of the manger scene. I won't be on the cover of any magazine, but I did get to watch an incredible sunset as we sat down for dinner. And my centerpiece of pine cones, carefully collected and scented with essential oils a week before, may have smelled like floor cleaner they came in contact with during the curing. Sigh. No, it wasn't perfect, not at all, but it was gloriously imperfect and it was beautiful.

More Joy - Day In and Day Out

I could be wrong about this, but I'm just going to go with my thoughts - which is typically how I write. I do not believe that joy comes automatically, as a rule. I do not believe there is such a thing as an automatically joyful life or that some people "get one" and some people don't. No. It seems to me, rather, that joy is something you choose, seek, pursue. And I believe that joy is more readily available than we may think. I'd like to open this up for us all a bit and explore some tips for experiencing more joy every day.

Before we get into that subject, however, let's take a look at a substantial issue in our world today that may be interfering with our joy. It may contribute some joy, as well, so don't despair. Social media, and in particular, Facebook (which I truly love more days than not). I could probably write a complete paper on this issue, but to be honest, I think it would diminish my joy. Therefore, I will not. 

Facebook has morphed considerably since it's birth and now this platform that was designed to gather college kids and help them build a community (maybe that wasn't it's actual beginning, but that's the first way I remember it) is now a broad stage for airing beliefs, advertising, attacking strangers (and friends), taking a stand on all manner of issues, coaching (cough), spam and more. Some of those are both "good" and "bad". By that I mean the impact they have on our lives (and that's subjective anyway). The point is, your Facebook feed alone, has the power to contribute more OR LESS joy to your life depending on how you interpret and respond to it. You have a considerable amount of control over this, so don't be a victim.

I have chosen, as a general life practice, to look for and choose to find the joy in each day. I'll admit that sometimes that's more difficult than others. Sometimes I flat out fail in this endeavor and some days it doesn't even occur to me to try. I have to be honest here because I'm pretty sure if you look at my Facebook, you'll see the joy but not so much the heartache. I tend to be quiet on the tough days. But that is also deliberate. Not to fool anyone, or pretend to have a fabulous life, but rather, to give you a more joyful Facebook encounter with me. I get to choose how I present myself to you and I am responsible for the energy I bring to my world. I choose joy.

 

 

Tip #1 BRING MORE JOY TO OTHERS 

As much and as often as you can, contribute to others in a joyful, kind, loving way. Even when you disagree or feel compelled to take a stand, consider a respectful way. Give compliments, Smile, Make eye contact. Offer the help, the hug, the tender expression of understanding. (I can improve here.) When you enter a room , be aware that you can choose what mood you add to the scene. I'm reminded of the times, I enter a group and start complaining about my drive, how I feel, etc. What a joy buster! I'm not suggesting you be inauthentic or lie or "just be positive". Rather, I suggest, you resist the urge to let everyone know evertything that's wrong. You can answer honestly though, "It's been a tough day, but I feel better being with all of you."  You can hold off on sharing til you've had time to settle down. You can ask about others and listen to their answers. And when I say "you", I mean "we". On social media, give others pleasant things to look at and read. Pause before you respond. My rule is: If you wouldn't yell it out at a party, don't say it on Facebook. The way Facebook is set up now, people you don't even know can see your comments and you may be insulting them, arguing with them, demeaning them without any understanding. Think about them. 

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29

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Tip #2 DELIGHT IN THE MUNDANE

I am pretty sure the thing that really won my husband over and made him fall in love with me is this trait of mine. I take joy in the smallest things! It is somewhat my personality, but it can be cultivated (through obeservation and thanksgiving). And I'm not just talking about finding the silver lining, though there is value in that, as well. When my husband and I were not yet dating, but had built a really great friendship, we were hanging out and I was making myself some dinner. Part of that dinner was some simple, blanched broccoli. Boring, right? Not to me. Do you know that when you toss the broccoli into the boiling water it turns bright green? Well, it does! I commented on it and made him look and I'm pretty sure the rest is history. If joy is found where you look for it, and I'm convinced it is, look for it everywhere. Even in the broccoli. 34 years later and we still talk about that moment.





Tip #3 CREATE JOYFUL MOMENTS (and share them)
Do you know what I'm doing this morning? Watching it snow. In a part of Georgia where it rarely snows. I had to get up early on a Saturday to see it. The forecast was for the snow to fall overnight and then, as it happens in Georgia, temperatures were expected to rise, meaning most will miss the snow. I awoke at 5:13 and as I debated going back to sleep, I remembered the forecast. Snow. I love snow. I especially love watching snow fall. So, I climbed out of my toasty bed, pulled on a sweater over my snuggly pjs, made myself a Kcup, and cozied up on the couch. Bummer, though, because it was pitch black outside. So, I got up frequently and looked. I checked my weather app. Over and over. And then I saw it! "Snow"! I jumped up and checked outside and sure enough, there it was. I turned on the flood lights so I can see it from my couch. I went on the porch and plugged in my kaleidoscope light projector so that my neighbors could see snow and my sparkling lights (if they got up early and peeked out) - that's Tip #1 in action. And then I counted my blessings (Tip #4).





Tip #4 COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
 Yes, have an attitude of gratitude. Give thanks to the Lord. Appreciate pretty much everything. The more you do this, the more Tips 1, 2 and 3 will fall into place. Life is incredibly imperfect. I can attest to that. But, that does not mean you can't have a joyful life. Your joy is up to you. Hear me. You have to take time to recognize the blessings you have been given. If you are not grateful for what you have already been given, why oh why would God give you more? (Although, surprisingly, He does. It's His nature.) The sad truth is, when we neglect to give thanks and appreciate, we totally miss out on the blessing because we never even acknowledged it. Oh there is a mountain of truth in this. Please don't miss it. You will never have a joyful life without gratitude. You will always feel cheated.
Some days may be so very hard that you cannot find the joy, the gratitude. I know. So you then have to stop looking for the extraordinary and really focus on finding the good in the mundane. Do you have curtains? Give thanks. Are you warm? Give thanks. Is there food in your house (even if you don't like it)? Give thanks. You are blessed! You are! That doens't mean everything is good. And it's not a Pollyanna response. No. You can acknowledge difficulty and pain, and you should. Hiding from it will not serve you. The difference is that you choose to also acknowledge the good. And it's there.


I have only scratched the surface. I am not trying to be cute or simplistic . I am simply and absolutely sure that more joy is possible. You can do this thing. Bit by bit. Go  boil some water and pitch in some broccoli .

It's Not Too Late to Try Something New

It's not a small thing, stepping out in a new direction. Maybe "new direction" isn't the right wording. I've actually added something to my life. I've become a Certified Neurotransformational Coach (Life Coach - but not really). For lack of a better category, it can be life coaching, but it really is a thing of it's own. You can also call me a Language Cop. It's a lot of what I do. And I call you out. For sure. When I hear things that don't line up, yeah, I call you out. And, God willing, I help you untangle things in such a profound way that you feel like you can come up with solutions and take your next steps. That by itself is a big deal.
 

Definition aside, I'm telling you that it's not a small thing to start something new, especially at 56 years old. Still, here I am. I had a calling on my heart, an urge that had to be answered and I answered. One day, I signed up for one, then another class. And suddenly, I booked a flight to Los Angeles and immersed myself in some intense training with some awesome people. I may have been the oldest one there. And it's a big deal. It took courage. It took stepping up for myself. It took being willing to fail. All that, and those are things I'm not particularly great at - or haven't been in the past (Language Cop at work).


Here's the thing. We have choices all along the way as we walk this planet Earth. One of the choices we are dealing with all the time is whether or not we will grow and change or call it good and stop growing, deciding life is as good as it's gonna get and there's no point. It just so happens that I don't believe in that. I believe we are best served when we keep learning, growing, changing - evolving - when we find new roads to take and are willing to be challenged as we go. The easy road doesn't stretch you. I'm not saying it's not ok to rest along the way and enjoy where you are. Not at all. I'm saying I can love everything about where I am and still want a new adventure, a new challenge. I'm not done contributing. And I suppose, I don't want you to be done either. I want to help you find ways to go forward, find more, live more, experience more. I want to be a part of helping you and anyone else God brings my way find more joy, more satisfaction, more fulfillment in life.


So, I took a chance. I did the thing. I have no idea where it's going to go. All I know is this path has a little sign with my name on it. And I think it points to more joy and fulfillment for me as well. It's exciting. It's also terrifying in a way. I feel a bit exposed. But, I'm going down that path anyway. Time will tell if it's a completely new direction or just an addition to the path I was already on. A choice to walk further. That's what it feels like. So my resumé is growing. And so am I.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. Rom 12:2