Decisions, Decisions – Breaking through the constipation of the mind

I’m sure I’m not the only one this happens to and I’m pretty sure it’s happened to you. If not, then terrific. Be thankful! The issue I’m talking about is that point where things just feel out of whack but you don’t know what to do. You want a change and don’t know how to get it. Or you know but are resisting the do. It’s that tension that lies in between one thing and your next best thing. What leads to this tension, this discord and how can you fix it? How can you find the confidence to take your next step?

Clarity

Lack of clarity impedes progress. You cannot get where you want to go when you don’t even know where you’re going. Gaining clarity gives focus and is a major contributor to action. Clarity of purpose. Clarity of identity. Clarity of end goals. Some people have more clarity around their issues than other people and make the leap seemingly effortlessly. They feel the discord, examine it, determine and action step and leap!  They have clarity. They know where they are going. They may be unclear as to the path but know the one they’re on won’t lead them to their desired destination so they leap off one path and onto another. They are fueled by the clarity of their mission. They trust themselves to work out the details later. Others of us lack that clarity and so we resist change. They say, “A confused mind does nothing.” If this is you, there are some things that can help lead to greater clarity and help you know what to do.

Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is a great tool for starting this process. Do you feel that sense of discord I mentioned? Are you experiencing a sense of being misfit for your situation? Do you sense a holy dissatisfaction? Are you misaligned with your goals and dreams? Do you feel burdened? Are you lacking joy? Is your ego constantly engaged but rarely your heart? A head/heart examination may be in order! Our logical mind wants safety, security, sameness. Our heart engages with passions and calling. Which one is in charge of your choices? Learning to be self-aware is powerful particularly in decision-making. When you learn to recognize the misalignment, you can begin to evaluate alternative paths. You must know where you’re going and rightly assess your positioning in terms of the desired result.

Commitment

Knowing what you are committed to is intensely valuable. Are you more committed to staying where you are (even if it’s “wrong”) or to your mission and purpose? Are you more committed to pleasing others or doing what’s best for you? Are you more committed to resisting change or personal growth? The truth is, staying where you are and doing what you’ve always done is rarely good for your personal development. Picture a stagnant stream. The stream used to flow freely and was vibrant. When it becomes dammed up, the stream just barely trickles through and the stagnant water becomes unhealthy, toxic. Another image that comes to mind is a roller coaster. It can move forward on its own momentum for a time but without a forward charge of some sort will eventually move backwards when the climb becomes steep. The point is no commitment to new action could leave you stagnant and eventually backsliding. When fully committed to the end destination, as best you see it now, you will be compelled to take action.

Values

Once you become aware of a misalignment and are committed to your destination and purpose, it’s time to identify what’s wrong. Your personal values may hold the key. Coaches can help with all of these areas but are particularly helpful in assisting your discovery and definition of your core values. If you are out of alignment in your core values, dissatisfaction is sure to reign and you will find yourself frustrated, aggravated and in a state of self-sabotage. Good news! It doesn’t have to stay that way! Gaining understanding around your actual core values (versus what you may be telling yourself they are) can move you towards a clear decision in an instant. This is one of my most effective and as a result, favorite coaching tools. Your brain will not let you be genuinely satisfied with things that do not align with your true values. Values win over logic every time.

Urgency

What if there is a deadline to your dreams? What if change is only possible in a certain time frame? What if – man! What if someone needs you on the next path and you refuse to leap? I recently had a coaching session with a woman dealing with making a major career change and walked her across an imagnary bridge. I urged her to look at the end of the bridge and see the people that she may be uniquely qualified to help. Refusing to go to them, to help them really isn’t even a possibility for this woman. If you add in a sense of time urgency, the willingness to go multiplies. None of us is guaranteed a long life. None of us have an infinite amount of time to complete our purpose. There are things that will not, do not wait for us to become “perfect” or “good enough”. We must leap into action now or risk missing work that is intended for us.

Trust

This cuts to the quick of the problem. It’s so often a trust issue. We don’t trust ourselves. We don’t trust God. We feel inadequate, incapable. This is where I often remind people that it is God who supplies us, equips us. In our weakness He is strong. We are not expected to be perfect. We are called to action when God is ready for us to act – not think about acting. I’m not suggesting reckless behavior but rather trust that we can do what we feel called to do. Nothing more, but also nothing less. To not act is to actually put full focus on ourselves. I believe it’s a type of self-deceit, a type of arrogance – that we even can do it ourselves. We cannot. However, each of us is fully qualified to do what God has called us to do in each moment. He has put a call on my heart to serve people through life-coaching. I trust Him to bring me those whom I’m able to serve now and at the same time, I continue to study and develop my skills so that I can serve others later. I trust myself to be able to carry out that which I’ve learned up to this point and discern where I need more advice and education. You, too, are enough to do what God wants you to do today. You can trust that.

I’m not suggesting this a complete list, but hopefully, it’s a start. If you’re experiencing a constant awareness of dissatisfaction, be honest with yourself. Get clear on your purpose and goals. Take a head/heart assessment. Examine what you’re actually committed to. Evaluate your core values. Apply a sense of urgency to the matter. Trust yourself enough to take action today. You can prepare for tomorrow.

Coffee for Two ASAP! (or risk arrest)

My heart actually hurts. My chest feels heavy, pressed on. I’m having trouble figuring out how I feel, understanding what happened and what I (honestly) would do differently given the opportunity.

I don’t think the police officers are to blame. . . necessarily. I mean, they had a complaint from a business. But, couldn’t they have just escorted the guys outside and talked to them? Were handcuffs necessary? See what I mean? I’m having trouble processing.

I’ll yield that I wasn’t there and accept that there may be things I don’t know. In fact, that’s my cop-out response. I count on that because then I don’t have to do one dadblame thing. Not one. I can just sit silently and let the world continue to rotate on its axis and revolve around the sun. Like Pilate, I can wash my hands of the entire sordid affair.

Picture your local Starbucks. You agree to meet a friend there. You get there before he does. Dude’s always late. You and your buddy that rode with you shake it off and decide to have a seat and wait on him. There are people there. You’re just hanging. Then you notice the girl behind the counter kind of looking at you weird. You’re actually used to that. It’s a thing. You look a little “different”. She picks up her cell between customers, makes a call. No big thing, but you keep feeling her eyes on you. Come on! You’re just waiting for your buddy, talking to your other buddy. Dang. Same thing you’ve encountered all your life.

About the time you’re really getting creeped out by the coffee chick, in walk 2 cops. They head for the counter. Coffee chick glances your way now and then while talking to the cops. They turn, look your direction and head your way. What in the…? This is a new one.

Soon after that, while cops are talking to you, your buddy finally arrives. Yeah, you could’ve used him sooner. Everyone in the place is whispering, looking your way, wondering what’s up. Then the cops put handcuffs on you and escort you out. I mean, aren’t you glad you acted cool? Responded “appropriately”? Good thing you watch the news!

Now, I don’t know if that’s exactly how it went down, but according to a witness it was something pretty close. Question: were the police called on these guys for not ordering coffee? For sitting in an establishment without paying for anything? Really? I don’t think so. I think it’s because they were black and didn’t order anything.

I meet people at Starbucks all the time. I often wait until they get there to place my order. Sometimes I never order. We may just have our meeting and leave. In fact, I’ve often pondered how cool it is that Starbucks lets people just hang there all the time without ordering. I mean, I see it, I do it. Often. But, then again, I’m a middle-aged white woman. I dress well.

Inside my brain, I hope hope hope that I am wrong. I want these men to be known problems. I want there to be an actual danger to their presence. Not because I want coffee chick exonerated, not at all. I just want us as a culture to not be this hopeless. This far gone. This shallow for crying out loud.

I understand fear. I’ve been victimized a time or two. I lived through 9-11 and even have some understanding of the value of profiling – to some degree – until I think of my Assyrian sister in law and her beautiful family, my nieces, her sisters, her brothers, their kids. ereHHere I sit, finding it hard to believe that someone called the police on two innocent people because of their skin color and I’m having to face my own issues. I didn’t believe it could be just what it was. I’d like to think I would’ve stood up for them if I was there, but should that even be necessary? Shouldn’t their word have as much value as mine?

I hate coming to grips with the fact that I may be part of the problem. I hate that parents of good kids have to worry about their children’s safety because of their skin color. And I wasn’t going to say anything either. I was going to go about my day. Then I read the account of a woman who observed the incident and felt the kick in my own gut. Then my pastor friend who adopted several Ethiopian children shared his fears. Another kick. I have to speak for others. I have to, in the name of the Lord I serve, say NO. This isn’t ok. He died for every single one of us. He delights in us. I am compelled to say, regardless of the details of this incident, but for all in general, it’s not ok to treat people like this. There’s a mountain of things I don’t know and I don’t understand, much to be learned but in this moment, I stand.

Note: This is not a commentary on Starbucks. It could happen anywhere.