The Balm of Good Friends

OHHHHH my! I am so blessed! And so are you, friend. So. Are. You. If you have a friend, a true friend, you are blessed beyond measure.

Have you had a friendship that lasted years? Have you changed? Have they? What about disagreements? Long periods with little to no communication? Miscommunications? I’d guess that those things are common in most relationships. It doesn’t seem unusual to me anyway. And yet, in spite of those things, great friendships can endure.

My marriage friendship is like that. We don’t always see eye to eye. We have different seasons of growth from each other. We have different points of view on some things, same on others and yet remain best of friends. I’d rather be with my husband than anyone in the world. Still, there’ve been times that closeness was threatened. Times when one or the other of us might’ve wondered if we’d stick it out. (The first year was hard! Other years, too.) Still, we are more than married, we are best friends. We feel like “one”. When one hurts, the other hurts – even if we caused the pain. We rejoice in each other’s success.

We are friends! 

I’ve had reason to think about friends this week. To rejoice. To grieve. To be thankful. Not all friendships are deep and lasting. Some are conditional. When you step out of line or offend, you get cut off. That hurts. Some seem conditional, but, given time, heal. That is truly beautiful. Some friends really are closer than a brother. Those friends trust you so much that, while they may not like or prefer something you choose, they know without a shadow of doubt that you’re operating in what you believe is your best interest. That kind of trust is valuable beyond measure.

I had some great teaching this week on “detachment” – detaching a person and their worth from their behavior. I’m still wrapping my head around it, but I can tell you that this awareness makes forgiveness and moving on almost easy. I can see a person as valuable apart from their actions and know that if they do something hurtful to me, it stems from some pain or wrong done to them. They’re wounded and trying to feel better and that comes, unfortunately, by reclaiming their power by hurting someone else. BUT, and here’s what’s really important… when I detach them from their actions, I can also detach myself from the impact of those actions. In other words, I don’t have to be the victim. And when I’m not in the position of victim, I don’t need to make myself feel better by retaliating or hurting someone else because I am still o.k., untouched. They are responsible for their actions, but not to me. And I can have compassion.

That’s the essence of what I learned. I’m not sure I understand it all through and through but it’s becoming clearer.

All of that, along with some pretty deep personal experiences, bring me back to friendships and how valuable they are. Last week, I had the soothing experience of spending the day with one of my closest friends ever. (I have a whole group of best friends (Thank you, Lord!), and each one has a special place in my life and heart. How blessed I am!) As we talked, and listened, and sipped coffee, dined and shopped, we pretty much covered all the important aspects of life - because that’s what girlfriends do. It doesn’t matter how many hours we live apart, we are there for each other, in the ups and in the downs. I’m thankful for our many years together. That day together made up for months apart!

In another part of our lives, my husband and I received messages of support and understanding from friends regarding a difficult issue we are facing. How grateful I am for the love of friends! (And the trust I spoke of earlier.) These people enrich my life!

In the midst of turmoil, friends like these soothe my soul. Listen. Your friends don’t have to agree with you or join you in all your decisions, nor do you have to do so for your friends. True friends speak truth – lovingly, trust your judgment based on your character, offer love and support in hardship, and laughter during the good times. It’s kind of like traditional marriage vows – in sickness and in health, whether rich or poor…

Now, I must add that not all friendships can last the long haul. People change, and not always for good. You may find yourself in a friendship/relationship that is no longer healthy or wise for you. It’s o.k. to choose to distance yourself from the things that are harmful to you, emotionally and certainly, physically. It’s o.k. to choose to run with wiser people should you find yourself linked with foolish people. It’s o.k. to find new friends that uplift you and support you. I urge you to:

•          Treasure your friendships.
•          Don’t let small offenses disrupt something that is otherwise good.
•          Practice giving the grace you’d like to receive. (That’s different than letting someone abuse you.)
•          Give thanks for those who put up with you during your life upheavals and changes. (I sure do!)
•          Exercise restraint when angry or offended.

There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.

 – Proverbs 18:24, NLT

3 Things to Think On

This is before the tomato sauce incident.

This morning I am blessed with an active mind. I am repeatedly amazed at how much better my brain fires when I remove sugar and junk food from my diet and add in clean, healthy, low-processed, fresh food. It makes all the difference in the world! I don’t need naps. I wake up and go to bed easily. And my body aches and pains drastically diminish. I have to write about it when I’m experiencing it because in a weak moment, I think sugar is the bomb and my best friend. I need truth logged in my brain! Anyway, today, is just one of those particularly great days with lots of thoughts. I’ll download them here so you can think on them with me.

My Poopy Day 

If you’re my Facebook friend, you know that I got to use the poop emoji background yesterday. I was moved by the fact that I had recorded a great, in my opinion, FB Live for my wellness group only to discover my mic was muted the whole time. I had 27 awesome minutes of me “speaking” with great animation and zero sound. Ugh. (I also had dropped my cauli rice with pizza sauce straight down my cute white t-shirt.) That leads me to share the essence of my video with you today.

Temptations are easier to resist when you're fortified well. 

Sweet Dreams

The first part was all about sugar and sweeteners. Friends, as you work on improving your health and losing weight, beware all the artificial sugars and substitutes. I’m not saying never use them. I’m saying beware. They can come in really handy when you’re fighting serious cravings or even just wanting a treat. I use them. I like some of them. The danger is in what’s going on in your mental game. If you’re trying to live just like always and are merely substituting “diet” versions of your old (bad) habits, you may be in for trouble in the long run, especially when it comes to maintenance. You really want to be alert as to what is going on in your head, heart, body. Are you anxious? Are you still stress eating? Long term victory is easier when you learn to recognize the eating patterns and drivers and do emotional work right there. When you can learn to calm yourself another way, delaying eating for when you’re actually physically hungry, you can actually rewire your brain’s go-to response. For instance, if you go for a walk when you’re upset instead of eat, eventually, that will be what your brain craves when you’re upset. Can you imagine how powerful that is for the long haul?

Language Cop

The next part of the muted video is a totally different theme. It’s all about language, conversation and energy. Whether we like it or not, we are judged by how we present ourselves to the world. It’s up to you whether you care about that or not and I get that we want to be “real” as we say. I totally get that. However, it pays to be aware of the impact of your words and tone. When I became a Christian, I remember my bff saying “Stephanie, we’re Christians now, we don’t talk like that anymore.” Huh. I remember the “my bad” awareness. I was just talking like everyone else seemed to be talking, but based on that comment, I decided to make some changes. I have pretty much stuck with that. As a general rule, I don’t use curse words. (Unfortunately, my attitude may still be ugly. My tone may be off-putting. I may even carry a cursing mentality around.) I say “as a rule” because I can still fall back into that old habit, but it’s not my norm.

Here’s what I really want to get to. Your language and your conversation has the power to lift others up. YOU bring energy to your environment. I challenge you to become alert to the influence you’re bringing to those around you.

I have been – before, in my past – a complainer. Like cursing, I can still fall into the old behavior. Recently, I caught myself speaking very negatively about a situation and later wished I’d kept that to myself at that time. I may have polluted the environment as I dumped my emotions around.

I’m not advocating being fake or trying to please others. I’m talking about being alert to the impact of your words and moods on others. You get to choose whether to lift others up or not when you speak. You get to choose whether to honor God with your attitudes and behavior or not. You have the power to choose.

Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.(Ephesians 4:29, GNT)

Clock In!

Studying in bed.

The third topic for the day is all about making your dreams come true. My message on this is not original to me. I learned it at “coach camp” (my nickname for my intensive coaching certification event) led by Sean Smith. We were talking about getting our message out there, but this truth holds true for all dream fulfillment. 

The essence of the teaching is plain and simple: You have got to clock in.

There you have it. You cannot expect dreams to come to life on wishes and imagination alone. You have to do the work. Fulfilled dreams are built on the back of determination, blood, sweat and tears. You are the only one who can fulfill your dreams. Others are busy building their own. It is up to you to show up for yourself. Do the work. Fall down. Get back up. Adjust. Move forward. You have to learn to deal with disappointments and still get back to work. You have to put in the hours. You have to believe in your dream enough to do the work. And I’ll say this, if you won’t work for your dream, then I suggest you don’t actually believe in your dream. You may just have some superficial desires and trust me, that won’t carry you very far. You were not created just to have a cushy, enviable life. You were created to make a difference to others and honor God with your life. That may bring cushy things, but it may bring isolation and hard knocks to get where you’re intended to go. 

If you’re dream is life-giving, helpful to others, meaningful to you and your family, then it’s worth rolling up your sleeves and getting to work. It’s worth enrolling in classes to learn how to do something better. It’s worth spending your money for coaching or training. It’s worth adjusting your time. It’s worth doing without some things now so you can have what you long for later. You have got to clock in. You have to believe in your dream more than anyone else. Find the true meaning behind your dreams and use that to push you forward.

Up early on vacation. 

This message is serious, friends. If you’re not doing what God created you for then what are you doing? This is the kind of thing that riles me up enough to cuss. (I’m choosing not to cuss, but still!) Ignite your passion! Let others hear your message! It doesn’t serve mankind for you to keep quiet and play nice about lessons and truths that others need. Hiding your purpose is one of the most selfish things I can imagine. In the words of Sean Smith: You don’t have to be an expert. You just need to be a 4^th grader to a 3^rd grader. You know more than someone. Go help people! Yes! Go help people. Work for your goals, dreams, desires and purpose. You and you alone can do that.

www.coachingbystephanie.net

You Can't Win Them All ... or Can You?

You Can’t Win Them All … or CAN You?
Coaching By Stephanie, The Joy Coach

It’s a common saying: You can’t win them all. It’s assumed we’re all going to have some wins and all going to have some losses. We keep each other “grounded” in reality with this saying and help console one another when things don’t go our way, don’t we? Yeah, we do. We pat one another on the back and mark it up to uncontrollable and inevitable. Well, I’m not buying it. Not anymore.

Recently, we had to tell someone something (vague much?) that we knew wouldn’t go down well. We anticipated a negative response. We even prepared ourselves for it. The response we received was worse than we thought we’d get. It bruised our souls for sure. And you know, it was tempting to just say, “You can’t win them all.” But, I realized that’s not true at all. You can win them ALL! Here’s how.

Above all, you have to realize that sometimes “losing” is actually “winning”. I’m not talking some fake, pseudo pop psychology here. I’m dead serious. Losing can reveal things you would not know otherwise. Things about a person’s character. Things about a situation. Things that affirm your decisions. And you know what?  That’s a win, pal. A legit win.

Early days at "the cabin". 6 y.o. behind the boat.

Losing represents trying, caring enough to try – even if the result is not what you’re going for. We live on a lake. For years before making it our permanent residence, we vacationed here with our kids. Our kids grew up waterskiing. (Brag moment: my husband is a great water skier! So are my kids.) Sometimes, they would get out on the water and decide they wanted to get fancy and look like him. They’d try leaning back more, cutting sharper, making their turns quicker and closer together. And they might just wipe out – completely wipe out – the kind that makes a mother suck in air and yell, “Turn around! They’re down!”. We’d make the u-turn, pull up alongside with the skier on the driver’s side, confirm they were o.k., look for blood – maybe that was just me – and then my husband (Mr. Calm) would lean out the boat and say “If you’re not falling, you’re not trying hard enough. Let me know when you're ready.” And he'd position the boat for the next pull while they regained consciousness and put on their skis.  (And I’d shake my head and resume my seated position.)

My kids will all 3 tell you that life lesson has served them well. Falling or failing is not a sign of weakness or poor performance. It’s a sign of trying, of believing you can do something hard or new. “Failing” is winning! 1 kid is a cop, another is in aviation school with the Army and another is an entrepreneur. They aren’t afraid to fail as much as they are afraid to not try.

In every fail, every loss, there are lessons, messages, gifts if you will. My coach mentor calls them packages. There are gifts from God that, when opened, offer you things you would never have learned otherwise. He also says that the road to success is actually paved with failure and that you cannot resist failure and achieve success. Losing is winning. I’ve had to lose at things to even see what God was trying to teach me. In some of my losses, I’ve looked and realized the loss had to happen for God to answer the prayers I’d actually prayed. Some of my losses were intended to shift me on a new path of growth.

What if every time you missed a goal, had a “bad” run-in with someone, missed your flight, got caught in traffic and missed a deadline or appointment – what if every time you looked for a blessing or lesson? What if you learned to leave more time between events? What if you realized you could’ve chosen your words more carefully? What if you acknowledged the value of each loss? Wouldn’t that help you try again? It would, wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t it give you more confidence that God was still looking out for you and could use your “negative” experience in His ultimate plan? My friend and fellow life coach, Diane Burton, says, “Look for the lessons, the blessings, and the gifts in every situation”. They’re there.

                Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3)

Note: All the successes here came after many more failed attempts ... and so they're wins (and they mean more!). 

(To my kids, I tried to steal great waterskiing pics of you all, but FB let me down when I tried to save them. Love mom.)

Older, Wiser and Happier

I was looking through some pictures from last year and suddenly I saw it- something everyone else could probably see, but I was blinded to it. I was smiling but not happy. It was in the eyes. They were perfectly made up, but flat when you looked into them. The smile was there, but it didn't fully wrap around my face. I was holding it together, but not much more than that.

There was something else in those old pictures - me trying, trying so hard. Trying to be approved of. Trying to fit in. Trying to excel. And I felt like a fake, if I am honest. Somewhere in my core I knew that the things I was chasing wouldn't really satisfy me, but I was trying to believe they would... because if not this, then what? What was I to do? How would I help others? What else was I qualified to do?

Maybe you can relate. Maybe you've been there. Maybe you ARE there. I get it. Trust me when I tell you that there is help and healing. You can feel better! Your story isn't over until your life is over. As long as God gives you breath, there are things for you to do and you matter! God sees us and knows us and is intimately acquainted with all our ways (Ps 139). One thing I learned is that I had to go through the things I did to get where I am. It was part of the journey. And looking back, there are things that I wouldn't choose to repeat, but I know they were valuable in helping me get to my new wonderful place.

Left July 2017, Right June 2018

I'll be straight up - this feels too raw, too honest. It's hard to go back and look at myself then. I came across a picture where I was dressed up for awards night. It was 2 weeks after my dad had died and I was trying to put on a smile and be a good business woman and keep moving forward. (Remember, my mom had died just 3 months earlier.) I wanted to be a strong Christian woman who trusted God so much she didn't grieve (maybe).

So, I went to my company's annual awards meeting. I put on the dress. I did (overdid) the hair and put on the makeup. I was in full costume. And, I did feel beautiful and successful. I enjoyed the celebrations and blocked out all the negative for a while. I had fun with my sister-friends. I retreated for a bit. I'm glad I did that. It helped at the time.

But recently, I looked back. I looked at the pictures and I saw the hidden grief. I saw the pain. I saw the anguish of trying so hard. I saw the unhealthy woman I was.

This summer - at peace.

TRUTH: When we are in the middle of a situation, we can put on blinders to the truth. We convince ourselves we're fine. We get so accustomed to seeing ourselves a certain way that we don't even realize or believe or hope that we can be better. We can be great. We just think that where we are is where we have to be.

Not too long after the picture was taken, I started down a new path. I packed my suitcase and headed to California to train in a new business. That started a chain of events inside of me that has rocked my world. I was able to let go of old pains, embrace new adventures and started figuring out the real me (someone I'd been hiding from for decades). As that happened, I found the ambition and courage to let go of weight and expectations. I found forgiveness for myself and others. I found healing for my soul. And it shows.

Left July 2017, Right July 2018

It wasn't until I did a side by side picture as a way to encourage someone on a similar journey that I saw it. Side by side, I saw the difference in my smile ... in my eyes. I could see the mask I'd been wearing and I could see how much better off I was without it.

To all who knew me before and after - I give you a heartfelt thanks for sticking with me. Some people may not like the new me - the real me - and that's o.k. It's not your fault that you didn't know the real me before - I was hiding. I am who I am. I am so thankful for Jesus' promise to never leave me nor forsake me. He's faithful - always faithful. I'm thankful for the whole journey. I wouldn't be where I am without it. When I look back now, I hardly recognize the woman in the pictures.

As for where I am now - I'm back in college, which I'd resisted for 35 years. Next year, God willing, I should have my Bachelor of Science in Interdisciplinary Studies focusing on Business/Life Coaching/Christian Counseling. I am a certified life coach who still dabbles in the cosmetics/skincare realm. I am enjoying a body that is significantly lighter and much less painful. I'm nearly off all my medication for hypertension. I'm relaxed and am enjoying a summer filled with grandchildren amidst my collegiate and coaching work. Next May, I'll be 58 years old and am having the time of my life. #58isnottoolate ! And I smile through and through!

Sunrise

It happens every day

And yet, when I catch it,

I am in awe.

Sunrise.

Many curse it

And try to resist it.

Still it comes, for

We can’t stop it.

Sunrise.

From a hint of color

On the horizon

To glaring brightness

Moments later.

Sunrise.

Giving order,

Restoring hope,

Offering new opportunities.

Sunrise.

A majestic display

Of God’s great talent.

Pinks and blues and golds.

Sunrise.

Copyright 2018, Stephanie Redmond

The Blessing in Counting the Blessings

This year started out with some giant changes for me. I had some pretty serious life disruptions the year before and as a result, things were different. I had relinquished my hold on things I thought were my ticket to joy and feeling successful. I had begun a strict eating regimen to help me reduce inflammation and hopefully, pain. In the midst of these major changes, I came face to face with something I'd been blind to: I am blessed. 

It's not that I didn't know I was blessed. For instance, I knew for sure that others have much bigger problems than I was facing. I knew that we had a great family, a nice home, a good income, food on the table and good health. I knew it and knew it was a blessing. The problem is that I was behaving as if none of that were true. I felt deprived in certain ways. I was in physical and emotional pain. I wanted some kind of more, but I didn't know in what way. And then there's the fact that I felt guilty for wanting more. I felt undeserving of any kind of more. And so, even though I was (am) enormously blessed, I was living a life that suggested otherwise.

One day I was talking on the phone with a caring friend. She knew some of my hurdles and struggles and provided a good ear as I sorted some things out. Isn't that what friends do? Sometimes all you really need is a caring friend who will listen and still love you. Lots of patience and forbearance.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience (forbearance), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23

In the course of that conversation, I came to realize how very blessed I am. I had laid aside something that had brought me great pleasure, a measure of success and lots of ego strokes. I felt insecure without it. I wondered how I'd manage. But in the moment with my friend, I felt the balm of Gilead the Bible talks about, a great soul soothing, a sense I would be o.k. and the secret was to be found in the simple adage of count your blessings.

As a result, I ended December focusing on the wonderful things of life God had brought my way. And in my relinquishing of some things, I started seeing how God was going to use me in new ways. That was exciting. Rolling into January, I chose a word to focus on for the new year. The word is

B   L   E   S   S   E   D

I decided to look all around me all year and see the good. Embrace it. Even "bad things" are good, actually. I know it's hard to believe me, but think about it. We build emotional muscle in hard times. We dig deeper. We learn new strengths. God's word says, "Do not be anxious for anything, but in every situation, with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" (NIV, Phil 4:6,7). There are blessings in stress. 

I don't know exactly how to say it. All I know is that when we look for the blessings, we discover how blessed we are...and that's a blessing.

My Declaration of Independence

Today I choose to be free. This is my personal Declaration of Independence.

Today I declare myself free:
Free from the power of sin - In Jesus' name and through His redemptive work on the cross.
Free from the need to answer to everyone else and ignore my own needs.
Free to pursue my life, liberty and happiness.
Free to say no to things that do not serve me well.
Free to say yes to my personal best.

I am a strong, independent woman.
I do not need the approval of others to be complete. (Jesus completes me. I am enough.)

I am free to think and vote the way it seems best to me.
I am free from the bondage others try to impose upon me.
I am free to eat what I want.
I am free to not eat things that don't contribute to my best health.

I am free from my past - anything that made me feel less than.
I am free to chase hard after my future.
I am free to give love, lots of love, because my cup is already filled to overflowing.
I am free to shake the dust from my feet and move on if  you don't value what I have to offer.

On this day of national independence, I declare myself dependent
on Jesus for salvation.
on the Word of God for guidance.


I am free to worship God in my way according to my beliefs.
I am free to believe in my dreams and desires.
I am free to grow and change and adapt.
I am free to love and respect you even if I don't agree with you.
I am free  to walk away from you if I need to.

I declare my freedom
to be the person I was made to be even if I'm still learning who that is.
to accept responsibility for my choices.
to view things differently.
to seek peace.

I am free to stop blaming others for my situation.
I am free to see my past failures as part of a divine plan to lead me where I am today.
I am free to embrace more joy every day.
I am free to lie down and rest so I can awake refreshed and ready for the new day.
I am free to see every day as a blessing and opportunity.
I am, indeed, free to be me!

This is my personal Independence Day. I am free, and so are you.
Signed,
Stephanie Redmond
July 4th, 2018