What is This Life Coaching Thing Anyway? (and Why I Have a Coach)

Life Coaching – fastest growing and maybe most misunderstood profession. We’ve talked about this. You can read my other blog here. I think people want to know though. They want to get what life coaching looks like and are curious if a life coach could help them. You may be curious if life coaching could help you.

Answer: It depends. It depends on so much.

Things that affect the success of Life Coaching:

                Rapport – Do you mesh with your life coach? This is so key that actual studies have been done on it. Let me sum it up this way: no rapport, virtually no success. You may find some victory without rapport, but I wouldn’t count on it. In fact, rapport can bring success even when the coach lacks skills. Rapport is the magic juice of coaching, in my humble opinion. The fairy dust. Rapport keeps you engaged with your coach, allows your coach to speak frankly with you, cuts through the muck and mire to find out what’s really going on.

                Trust – A little different than rapport but no less important. Trust gives you security and is based on the reliability of the coach. It allows you to explore areas that you’ve been hiding from yourself, speak the truth, know your coach will maintain confidentiality, and bring their best to the conversation, looking out for your best.

                Willingness to change – If you’re unwilling to change, well, nothing will change. That’s not completely true. Some things may change but they’ll be externally charged. A willingness to change puts you in the driver’s seat and helps you realize new victories and experiences.

                Vulnerability – With good rapport and trust, you feel secure in being vulnerable with your coach. When you’re willing to be vulnerable, you avail yourself to deeper coaching and, in my opinion, faster results.

                Transparency – Similar to vulnerability, but I’m putting this one on the coach. A coach shouldn’t be pouring their hearts out to their clients, but that doesn’t mean they should act inhuman. A transparent coach increases trust and rapport. Transparency helps the client feel understood and not so alone in their struggles.

Coaching can be understood by comparing it to counseling. Counseling primarily deals with the past and how it’s affecting the client today. As a result, counseling works a lot on past stories and events. In counseling, the counselor acts as an expert and advises the client/patient. Coaching is focused on the future. Coaches may explore your past, but it’s as you bring up things that are relevant to your goals, keeping you stuck. Coaches help release the hold past events have on you and help you see ways to operate beyond that story. Note: this is a very simplistic definition and is not intended to elevate one profession over the other. Coaches are not acting as the expert on a subject as much as a helper or ally. In coaching, the client sets the pace, determines their goals and how to measure them. The differences may be cloudy at times and certainly there are similarities, still they remain separate.

Do coaches have coaches?

Yes, though not always. Coaches may believe they don’t need a personal coach, but I can’t see how this serves clients best. Everyone has blind spots. Everyone has weaknesses. Everyone needs to be challenged at times in order to reach their potential, even highly motivated individuals. A coach can bring a much sharper game when they themselves are coached. As a coach, I can be just as easily caught up in limiting beliefs, fears, and small thinking as anyone. By submitting myself for coaching, I have help examining these issues so that each week I’m bringing my clients the best me possible at that time. (See how I’m being transparent here? I don’t have all the answers.)

Some things I’ve heard from my coach(es):

                I hear defiance.

I don’t think I’m being defiant.

                Have you tried centered breathing?

Nope. Haven’t specifically heard of it.

                Let’s go through a total truth letter.

Oh, boy! *feels nervous*

                Why are you judging that?

Didn’t realize I was.

                What are you pretending not to know?

Ummmm – huh?

One of my clients wrote an article about her coaching experience recently. She said that I “help her untie the brain knots”. I think that’s an excellent description of the coaching experience. I’m the other ears, the other eyes. I have a different perspective – and you’re safe with me.

Coaching By Stephanie

                               

My (not so) super morning

Have you ever had a morning that just didn't go the way you like? I mean, that's a pretty unimaginative question. Of course you have! You're normal right? I have a great number of completely awesome mornings. I really do. I'm a morning kind of person, so that helps. I also sleep 7 - 8 hours a night and that is a definite plus. So, yeah, my mornings, as a rule, are quite lovely. I work for myself and have a pretty soft schedule most days, leaving me the luxury of moving at the pace I choose. I read, write, pray and very often make time to sit by the lake in contemplation, soaking in nature's beauty. I love mornings. . . unless they don't go my way.

Look, I'm just keeping reaaaaal. I'm a happy person in general . . . unless things don't go my way. Whoo! I might get to preaching right here. Why? Because, as far as I can tell, we all are happy when we get our way. *Note: I'm  not speaking to or diminishing depression or other psychological situations.  I'm merely addressing human nature.* I remember my mother fussing at me for not being (or showing) appreciative of the things she did for me or sacrifices she made, or just being in a bad mood over a perceived injustice. Then, when she'd  buy me something I wanted or do something special, if I did thank her and make a big deal of it, she'd admonish me for that, saying "Sure, now you're happy. You got your way." Gah! I remember wondering what she'd have me do. Talk about frustrating mixed messages! But, yes, I'm happy when things go my way and (sometimes) not so happy when they don't. That's how I felt this morning.

As far as I know, I was peacefully sleeping, fighting the occasional hot flash, when I awoke for a simple trip to the restroom. I'm 57 - these things are not unusual. It was about 3 a.m. I returned to bed as per normal and snuggled down to resume my slumber. Next thing I knew, I was checking the clock again. 3:16 a.m. ugh! Then 3:30 something. Man! Finally at 3:58, I gave it up and climbed out of bed. I figured if I wasn't going to sleep, I might as well be productive. I spent the next while somewhat grumpily reading about the development of and different philosophies surrounding Christian counseling. In the words of my husband, "If that doesn't put you to sleep, nothing will!" . I squeezed out a 30 minute snooze around 6:30 then began my day in earnest. 

Here's what I noticed. I was allowing that middle of the night awakening to set a negative tone to my day.  I complained about it on Facebook, to my husband and in my heart. I resisted acknowledging it as a gift. I failed to be thankful for the good hours of sleep I'd had between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. I didn't express sincere gratitude for the extra hours added to my day and the quiet time to read that counseling assignment. No, I griped. I haven't gone out to look at the lake either. What's up with that?

Friends, we all can act like this at times. We may face a seemingly undesirable situation and put all our focus on that, failing to see the beauty in it. I hear people say everything works out the way it should. I have resistance around that, but I know that God can use all things for good (Romans 8:28). And I know that as Christians, we are called to let our light shine before me (Matt 5:16). I don't think our light shines very brightly when we are complaining and focusing on the negative things. In that state, we become needy, snuffing out our light and often the light of those around us. 

Today I heard a song by my friend Chris Muglia that exhorts us to let Christ's light shine in us. If you've ever taken note of darkness around you, you know how badly people need light and hope. Sometimes, we put others down for advertising their happiness and the good things God is doing in their lives. We act as though all Christians are supposed to be low key, unobtrusive, unnoticeable. That's not what I see when I read Matthew 5:16 or the verses leading up to it.We are the light of the world,  a city on a hill (visible) - shining, guiding, pointing others to Christ, offering hope. 

After listening to Chris' song and meditating on Matthew 5:16 a bit, I decided to turn things around and let my light shine before me. I don't apologize for the joy I have - I want to share it. I don't write for my personal pleasure or out of desire to be recognized. I write to bring encouragement to you and others like you. I hope to ultimately show others the love of our Father in heaven and so glorify Him.

After reflection, and a little more coffee, I'm not too bothered by having risen so early. I've had a lovely, cozy morning on the couch. I've enjoyed extra time to think, meditate on God's word and engage with others on Facebook. I hope your day goes well and you can note the good things in your life. Many blessings to you this day. 

A Most Powerful Choice

There’s a conversation going on in society around the topic of not giving up. It says things like, “success lives right around the corner from I quit” and “never, never give up”. Amen! Right on! Never give up! Keep on keepin’ on! Press on! Fight to the finish! And, sometimes, this very thought process is what will keep us held back, stuck in an endless do-loop of trying so hard to be all that we think we should be.

Now, note – I said “sometimes”. It’s true that perseverance often serves us and that quitting doesn’t. It’s true that success, real success requires moving outside of the infamous comfort zone and into new, uncomfortable, even scary, territory. Success even requires failure. Requires failure! Believe me, I’m not suggesting you don’t need to persevere when things get challenging and irritating, when you find yourself failing. That, my friend, really is very often the very sign of a breakthrough. When things get tough you can celebrate moving closer to your goals – usually.

There can be a problem though. I urge you to carefully consider if you’re actually on the path that’s right for you, best for you. What if you’re hanging onto a goal that isn’t meant for you? What if getting what you think you want will keep you from finding what is best for you? What if you’re on the wrong path or have wrong motives?

Some reasons we may need to reconsider our paths:

1.   Our goals and dreams might be interfering with God’s plan. We may have a desire to achieve something that is in opposition to what God wants for us or others. God’s plans will prevail.

2.       We may be looking for security in tangible things. Our hope may be resting in something other than God. That’s an idol. Tangible things cannot satisfy the true desires of our heart.

3.       Our motives may be much more about self than others (no matter how we word it). Speaking from experience here. It’s possible to say the right things but not actually mean them – even when we think we do.

4.       We may need to learn something on another path in order to successfully walk the one we’re currently trying to manage. Think about that. You may need a temporary detour.

Here’s the thing: sometimes we recognize it’s time to move on. We feel out of whack. Things just aren’t lining up. We might become aware that all we’re doing is running up against the same roadblock again and again, making no progress. I’m suggesting you at least consider that there may be another path at the end of that road. What does it look like? Is it for you?

My friend and fellow coach, Robin, gave a group of us a great visual this week. It’s the earth cut up into puzzle pieces. She shared that we each have our place in the world and if we don’t do our part then there’s a missing puzzle piece. That got me to thinking about spiritual gifts and ministries in the body of Christ – the church. The Bible says each believer is gifted by the Holy Spirit – given supernatural gifts for growing the body. The Bible also says that “we are [Christ’s] workmanship [poema] created for good works which He prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10). And we cannot miss the truth around integrity. We can fall out of integrity with God and with ourselves and even with those around us. We compromise. We lose sight of things that really matter. Our priorities and values may not be aligning. All of these offer insights to reasons we may need to look at another path.

Let me ask you a question: if you knew you were actually on the wrong path, wouldn’t you want to be redirected? Wouldn’t you be willing to go after something new instead? And if that’s all true, can’t you stop beating up on yourself and judging your decision? Can’t you, won’t you, stop letting others rent space in your brain over your choice? Choosing a new path that serves you, God, your family, the world better is a powerful choice. If it feels dicey, I think that’s the time to press in. I think that’s the time to bring up the quotes from the beginning of this article. Choosing a new path is not the same as giving up.  – Yeah, I’m totally talking to myself. If it serves you, too, then that’s awesome.

A father's imperfect love

Because a precious friend is hurting. Because God is perfect. Because we cannot be. Because it’s on my heart today. . .

I’m thinking about all the broken, injured, flawed people this morning. I’m thinking about the sins of the fathers being visited upon the generations. In my own family, we sometimes impress people with our colorful lineage. You see, I descend from a pirate of (some) fame. He was tried and hung in Williamsburg and there is a display in the jail at Colonial Williamsburg commemorating his death. Richard Lee Worley. My mom was a Worley. We’re also descended from Joseph Boone. You may have heard of his brother, Daniel. The pirate story gets more traction. And I get that. It’s fun and cool if you don’t think about it too much. If you gloss over what pirates really were and just focus on the cool outfits, well, yeah, it’s neat. If you think about the raping, pillaging and plundering – well, it’s not so glamorous. Now, I don’t think any of my more immediate line was as unsavory or evil as all that, but I can’t say their sins weren’t visited upon the generations after. Dysfunction and wrongs are certainly passed down, don’t you think?

All of that to say, we have wounded and hurt people who are doing the best they know to do. They’re becoming fathers and mothers and in their flawed states they’re passing forward the hurts they’ve suffered, often (maybe usually) completely ignorantly.

I volunteer as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate for children), or GAL – guardian ad litem, and I have the opportunity to observe court proceedings. I watch case after case of abuse and neglect, the affects of drug and alcohol abuse, wounded people who are in cycles of self-abuse, abuse of others, neglect of self and their children. People who are trapped in spirals of behavior they can’t seem to free themselves from trying to figure out how to get their children back. I see the generational impact of their choices. Sometimes, I’ve even thought “There but for the grace of God go I” and I mean it.

My own parents were imperfect, but they were good and they loved me. They struggled with their own pasts and became parents at a young age and had a lot to learn. I, too, became a parent at a relatively young age and I, too, had a lot to learn. I can honestly tell you that I acted from some of my injured places in my own parenting (and marriage). I had anger issues and have only recently felt those abate. I had lots of emotions stuffed down, never dealt with, hidden even from myself.

In my coaching and counseling training, I’ve learned that anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is a reaction that is born out of previous pain and fear stuffed down. To heal anger, we have to get down to those other issues. If you have anger issues, you could benefit from a coach or counselor’s help. You need to seek help to uncover the roots and deal with those to stop the cycle. You can get better.

Listen – if you had imperfect parents, injured parents, abusive parents – I know it can be hard to trust God, the Father. I just want to tell you. He’s a good Father. He’s perfect. And He loves you. He loves you in the most profound way imaginable. He doesn’t hurt. He doesn’t demand perfection – In fact, He grants it. He loves us in our imperfection. He invites us to come to Him as children.  He can heal our brokenness. He loves us as a perfect Father – in a way no earthly father can.

So, what are we imperfect, injured people to do? All I can tell you in this moment is for me, I'm rejoicing in the fact that Jesus paid the sacrifice that allows me to be made perfect in the Father's eyes. My holiness is a work in progress, but the Father sees me as perfect. When any man comes to Christ, He is made new. I'm  thankful that in my flawed state, God remembers my sin no more. He offers forgiveness to all who seek Him. 

In an attempt to tie this all together, I want to say that God is not a flawed, imperfect Father. He is the perfect Father you dream of. As for imperfect, cruel fathers - well, they're acting out of their own brokenness. So, we can pray for their soul healing. Their shortcomings or offenses don't mean they don't love. I think it means they have a mess of stuff shoved in yet to be confronted. 

As I thought about my friend this morning, I pictured a wounded little girl needing love and affection. Maybe that's you. I pictured myself inviting the little girl to sit on my lap and imagined consoling her and telling her she is loved. It occurs to me she's loved by her father, too, but his pain is covering that up. He's deflecting his own pain onto her. If I had that little girl on my lap, I'd tell her that she has a perfect Father who is completely love. He's there for her always. 

Life Coach Comes Out of the Closet

What the heck is a life coach?! I know I’ve asked that question numerous times in the past with thoughts of Paris (Gilmore Girls reference) not being able to make a decision without consulting her life coach. Ugh. I felt for sure this was a wimpy deal for wimpy people. Maybe you can relate. I thought life coaches were expensive hand-holders for the weak. 

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

When I started getting business advice and support, I was trying to reach some goals and stumbled across a training video, then took some classes that addressed my concerns … and had no idea whatsoever that I was engaged in life coaching. Thank goodness! I might have run away and missed out all due to ignorance.

That was 2 or 3 years ago. Through group coaching, I made great strides in my business, learned more about people and started examining my beliefs and thought processes. Eventually, I hired a private coach. With my own coach, we were able to dig into my specific issues and address them. Limiting beliefs, desperate behavior, time issues, resistance. I remember one specific encounter: My mom had just died and I was at her home sorting through the years of life spent at that particular address (and many years of accumulated things in the attic). I had a coaching call scheduled and decided to keep the appointment. I remember sitting in the car, having this conversation on my Bluetooth and crying. I don’t remember any actual coaching having taken place, but I do remember having a place to let things out and being able to trust the person on the other end of the phone to handle it.

Since that time, I have become a certified life coach. Added to that, I’m finishing my degree studying life coaching and counseling (added to the tons of business study already completed years ago). 

Here’s what I now know about life coaching. Life coaching helps strong people get stronger. Life coaching is for the brave - it digs into your soul if you let it. Life coaching is for people who are tired of living as victims. Life coaching is for people who are willing to do the work to change, to improve, to look at themselves honestly.  If you choose to have a life coach, you're making a decision to grow beyond what you can do on your own. 

Life coaching

• Fastest growing helping profession
• Helps people reach goals
• Future focused - but can deal with the past as needed
• Offers a perspective you don’t have
• Directed by the client
• Are allies
• Encourage others to walk alongside of them (like a Biblical encourager)
• Provides an ear
• Helps with time management, weight management, emotion management, business management
• Is not counseling
• Goes at your pace
• Is confidential
• Calls you on your stuff
• Provides an outlet
• Can help release pent up anger, pain, fear

Try not to judge my grammar, o.k.? 

So, if you’re wondering… 

I am a life coach. I help others deal with their life issues and move forward to an improved future. I am here to serve others – to serve you. I help you uncover things you already know – like the answers to your problems. God gifted me with the gift of exhortation (or encouragement) and that gift calls you up to walk alongside of me. I'm a helper.  I’m not able to lead everyone. Some of you are ahead of me. But, I’m able to lead some, encourage some, help some and I’m passionate about it. God used life coaching in my life to free me from years of self-abuse. If he can use me to help someone else, I’m willing.

It’s scary sometimes

Sometimes I worry whether or not I’m good enough, smart enough, talented enough for what I do or feel called to. I’m afraid I’ll let you down. But when I pause and reflect on that, I know better. God has equipped me perfectly for the things He has planned for me to do. I’m not on my own. In my weakness, He is strong.

Sometimes I have to go out on a limb and risk things, events (or me) failing. But you know what? It’s worth it. Maybe I will fail at some of the things I try … but maybe I'll succeed at some. Maybe no one will listen … but maybe someone will. Maybe I can’t help everyone (I’m sure I cannot), but maybe I can help one.

It’s an honor, a trust and a great privilege

I carry a big responsibility. That anyone would trust me is extremely humbling and I acknowledge it’s a privilege to be trusted this way. I’m so honored. The responsibility of it all keeps me studying, learning, growing – working on myself so I can be the best version of me for you and the others I serve. Truthfully, it keeps me right at the feet of Jesus, listening, observing, learning.

Pray for me

Pray for me, please, as I follow what I believe God has called and equipped me to do. It’s why I write these blogs. It’s why I chose my course of study in college. And trust me, not everyone is humble or wise in this field. I need discernment about who I train under and what I read. I could use prayer in those areas, let alone prayer as I help carry others’ burdens. Thank you for honoring me this way. <3

I’ve tip-toed around being public about this – hinting, implying, but rarely flat out saying it. I’m done with that. It’s not about me and never has been. I cannot hide and sneak around and be available to serve at the same time. So, here I am – out of the closet, so to speak – humbled, grateful, ready and willing. I am here, Lord. Send me.

Make a Better Life!

Don't wish you could just snap your fingers and make some changes - some serious changes? What would that look like for you?

Things you might want

Lose weight

Pay off debt

Disease healed

House organized

House cleaned

New Job

More happiness

Yeah - that's just a few of the biggies that pop up. Oh, how we want things to be different! We want to look and feel younger. We want to undo mistakes and sins of our past. We want to be forgiven. We want to be able to forgive! We want to stop hating ourselves. We want to feel like smiling. We want to have not been abused. We want to find success - whatever that means (and it's different for everyone). Oh, how we long for something to finally click! We want something magical, mystical or miraculous to happen that will instantly zap us out of where we are and thrust us into the new life.

Here's the kicker - even if that happened - you'd still be the same person.  You'd react based on what you know. How many stories have you heard of people who get their weight loss dream and then gain it back (and more)? How many people have won lotteries of vast sums of money only to find themselves financially broke and despondent? How many have walked away from jobs they hate into new dream jobs and still discover they're unhappy? It happens all. the. time.

The answer to our life problems can't be found in a pill, a bottle, a man or a woman, and to be honest, it can't be found in religion alone. No, what we need is something only we with God's help can master. Each one of us holds the key to our freedom and new joy. I'm reminded in this moment that the Bible teaches Jesus is strong when we are weak and He said He came to bind up our wounds. That is 100% true. Still, how is He going to do that when  you are running hard in the opposite direction? Just my human thoughts, here...

Note: Part of what makes tomorrow beautiful and powerful is what you overcame to get there. Don't wish it all away. It's the ashes God uses to create beauty. 

The secret to a better life can be found in your personal decisions - the ones you make day in and day out.  Big decisions sometimes, but usually it's the little ones. We make choices day in and day out that either keep us where we are, move us deeper into a pit, or move us forward.

Choices 
Facebook - to scroll or not to scroll
Alarm clock - get up or snooze
Nourishment - health or indulgence
Exercise - yes or no
Love - give or withhold
Forgiveness - same as love
Money - spend, save, invest, waste
Books - mindless or mind-filling
T.V. - watch it or do something productive

These are some bits and pieces we make decisions about on a regular basis. These decisions have the ability to add or take away from our joy, health, wealth, life.

What if you chose to love at every opportunity - including yourself? What could that look like in light of all of these decisions? Recently, I realized I was forgetting to show myself love through exercise. 

BTW - Exercise should not be a punishment. Exercise is a way to show love to yourself and gratitude for the life God has blessed you with. We honor God and self by caring for our bodies. 

Last year about this time I was making new choices. I was deciding to act on wisdom and knowledge I'd accumulated through the years. It was a new empowered choice that allowed me to take back some big chunks of my life and stop being a victim (something I preached on a lot but wasn't fully living out). I started a 90 day plan for intentional growth. I chose a 90 day devotional (Awaken by Priscilla Shirer).  I started implementing Hal Elrod's Miracle Morning routine. I invited friends to join me in my quest. I had some days that were better than others. I had parts of the Miracle Morning that I enjoyed (and implemented) more than others, but I kept at it. One. Step. At. A. Time. Good days. Bad days. I just kept at it.

Fast forward to a year later (almost): my life  is radically different. I only made the connection yesterday and I just wept as I realized the power those few decisions had in my life. I had one desire and that was to grow - to thrive! I was praying that God would change me, not my circumstances. I prayed to be more content  and thankful for what I'd been given. Oh, how He answered those prayers!

Today, I sit here:

• 70 lbs lighter
•  A life coach 
• A 57 year old college senior
• At peace in my soul
• Content
• Joyful
• Transformed 

What can you do?

Get still  and quiet - start with reflection.

Consider your decisions - are they serving you?

Try getting up earlier.

Explore your heart's desires and what's in the way.

Show yourself love and grace.

Accept responsibility for what you do (and don't do). 

Stop blaming others - just stop it.

Practice abundant thanksgiving. 

Gaining Balance

Have you ever felt like your life was out of balance? Out of sync? How did that make you feel? Irritated? Critical? Anxious? I’ve felt that. And I’ve come out of that into a sense of calm – you probably want to know how.

1.       I spent a year focusing on learning to listen. For the past few years I’ve prayed about and decided upon a one-word focus for the year. Yes, it’s a trendy thing to do, but I could see value in it and I’ve found that it helps me make decisions about how I spend my time and energy. Anyway, last year I chose listen. I wanted to make time and space to listen to God and others and even myself.

2.       I became a deliberate joy seeker. I made a point of looking for joy in all of my circumstances. This past year I had my share of sadness and pain, but still I employed the tactic of seeking joy in my strife, joy in work, joy in my relationships, joy, joy, joy! In fact, I spent a fair amount of time recording the joy I found in each day.  This reminded me that God had not forgotten me in my darkest times. It helped cement the awareness that joy doesn’t actually mean happiness or happy circumstances. Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5b

3.        I practiced (and still do) thanksgiving. Learning to recognize the gifts of each day and extend thanks for them can do wonders for contentment. I am bent toward a complaining demeanor. Giving thanks in all things helps keep me from that (more than not). It also helps keep worry at bay. Let’s hear it for less worry! Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:6-7

4.       I became self-focused. OK, I know that may not sound very Christian to you, so let me explain it. I read a quote where a speaker said to draw a circle around yourself and ask God to change the person in it as a means to starting a spiritual revival. I stopped focusing on everyone else’s flaws (as much) and asked God to change my heart, forgive my sin. I have to get the log out of my own eye. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own? Matthew 7:3

5.       I started relinquishing things that no longer fit. As God changed the person in the circle, some things just didn’t seem to fit anymore. I had to let go of some things, make some changes, in order to embrace the new things that God had planned for me. This is harder than it seems! We like familiar, comfortable things. But they are false security. Familiar doesn’t mean best for you. I had to put my trust in Jesus and follow Him to new things, new places.

I don’t know if these steps are the right ones for you. I just know that following them has helped me regain my balance and reduce anxiety. Focusing on myself and God’s Word has helped me be less critical of others’ shortcomings, less prideful. I won’t tell you I have it all figured out.  I’m just saying things are clearer than they’ve been in a while. Maybe my plank is smaller.

I am guilty.

Yesterday, I read a post that spoke of the hurt a loved one is feeling due to the public words of another. I don’t know the details. I don’t need to. I know how it goes. We get on the internet or alone with a close friend or in a text conversation and we say things about people we would never say to their face. And we think God can’t see and we rationalize our behavior and leave a mess in our wake as we walk away. And I’m guilty.

It wasn’t that long ago that I stood in the very presence of this person and complained about a situation and said unflattering things about someone else. Lord, forgive me. I have thought and thought about that scene and regretted what I did but I didn’t see my guilt. Maybe that’s not true, I saw my guilt and tried to dodge it, ignore it. And of course, I continue in my own self-righteous behavior, speaking good and evil out of my mouth and acting like it’s o.k.

As I understand the events that led to yesterday’s post, the person who did the offending is a Christian – you know, a person like me – someone who professes to love the Lord – and yet, is not only behaving in a way that is most unlike the Lord, I’m just gonna guess that – like me – he/she used their love for God to justify their behavior. #guilty

I am learning that in every situation, there is a lesson, a blessing or a gift – My friend, Diane, taught me that. So, in prayer this morning I started asking God to show my beloved family the lesson, the blessing or the gift in this ugly. Right now, there is pain and I’m not here to tell anyone they can’t hurt when painful things are done to them/you. I’m just saying God can still work and bless, teach, give good things. He makes all things beautiful.

One thing I realized immediately in their post is my own guilt. Now, let me try to make myself feel a little better and impress you a little… sigh … I genuinely try not to publicly bash anyone. Even those with whom I completely disagree. (And I take  pride in that.) *** Standing on this “ground” is completely unstable.*** There is ***zero merit*** in believing that makes me good or better – because, in private, in my pride, I fail. I sin. I am guilty.

Here’s what I think. I think that if my family knew that their pain (and public mention of it) led another to repentance, they would embrace it. I know them well enough. I believe this to be absolutely true. They wouldn’t like what happened, but they would thank God for it all the same. So, I write this. Maybe they’ll see how my own heart was impacted. And I fervently pray that others will be moved by their post, or by mine or by others, to repent. I pray that many will see their wrong and turn from their prideful, smug, sinful behavior and choose love instead. Choose kindness. Choose to honor God and others with their tongue. And, you know, there is a way to disagree, to state your beliefs without sin, without flinging flaming arrows at your brothers and sisters. Choose that way. I’m going to work on that starting right now.

Lord, I am guilty. I have hurt my brothers and sisters in the “name of Christ”. I am wrong. Please forgive me and show me a better way. Please remind me of this moment in the future when I am tempted to criticize. I am human but you call me to be like Christ. And, Lord, please heal the hurts of these who serve you so faithfully. May they see the good you can bring from the pain.  

NOTE: There is a lot on this subject in the Bible. You might try asking Google what the Bible says about gossip, how we are to talk as Christians, what does repent mean. 

Eating Emotions

I’ve been thinking about emotional eating this morning. Now, if you’re like me, you may acknowledge that you are emotional/stress eater, but you may have mixed feelings about changing that situation. Oh, you want things to be different, but you don’t (I don’t) want to actually change. Ouch. I went right there. Right to the heart of the matter. You may feel a little ticked at me right now and may be forming an argument, but remember, I’m talking to myself as much as to you, if even to you.  Maybe it’s just me (but I don’t think so).

We – you and I – would like to be free of the negative side effects of emotional eating, mainly the weight gain, but truth be told, it also feels good. Yes, I know I’m telling the secrets. I know I’m openly admitting things that people like you and me hide from others. Can you be brave with me and look at it for a few minutes. I’ll stand here with you.

What I know to be true is that emotional eating is not so different from alcoholism. It’s just another type of substance. And, the thing is, no one really talks about the truth of emotional eating (and other substance abuse) – it feels good. It doesn’t just numb pain, it actually releases feel good sensations in the body. It has a calming effect.

I think something else is happening with emotional eating. As we stuff things into our body – and I know for me, it can feel very frantic in the moment – we are actually stuffing in emotions that we don’t want to face or deal with at the time, or even at all. We want to feel good and deny these feel bad emotions so we stuff them in. Maybe we don’t feel we have a right to feel stressed or then again, maybe we’re afraid that if we let the emotions surface we won’t be able to stop them. I know that kind of pain, maybe you do, too. So, we use food to trick ourselves into feeling good for a little while.

 

Something I’ve noticed is that society (me, you, we) use the term “emotional eater” to stifle conversation around our behavior and size, leaving others to go “O.K., she knows what’s happening,” and get off our backs. We do this “brave thing” of acknowledging our behavior – or so we think. Now we wouldn’t accept that from an alcoholic or drug abuse. We’d be all “There’s help for that”. But emotional eating doesn’t seem as “bad” or dangerous as alcohol or drug abuse.

Here's what I’m going to suggest. What if you (I) let yourself feel the stress, express the frustration and anger, allow it to surface? Oh, yes, I know how scary that can be, but what if you could find the source, the pain and just deal with it straight on instead of letting it control you? What if you took back your power instead of letting these emotions and unresolved issues control you? It’s not wrong to be angry or sad or hurt. No one said you have to be happy all the time – and if they did, they’re wrong.

Sister, brother, there is so much freedom on the other side of the fence. There are new experiences, new highs, new lows, too. It won’t feel perfect all the time and you may have to buy some Kleenex, but there is help and hope. Eating food, packing on extra weight, hiding doesn’t help in the end. It’s a false sense of better. It tricks you into thinking you’re “o.k.” and denies you the help you need.

Facing my inner critic, voices of my past, reminding myself of God’s love for me, and crying a puddle

of healing tears all have helped me in the quest to overcome emotional eating. Sometimes, I find myself back in my old ways and recognize I’m not “done” yet. I still have things to face and things to learn. And that’s o.k. My life isn’t perfect, but in my authentic (sometimes sad) self I have a lot more happiness than I ever pretended to have.

My mission today is to allow myself to feel things that don’t feel good. I’m granting myself permission to sit with anxiety a bit instead of grabbing something to numb the irritations. I’m going to remind myself that I’m safe and loved. I will feel my emotions, but I won’t let them rule me. I have a new loving place to dwell. Will you join me? 

Refreshment: body and soul

In our fast-paced world filled with the constant hum of information flowing in and out, it is easy to get swept away in the rush of it all. Others are constantly demanding responses and action that we may or may not be ready to give. We’re pouring out ourselves and rarely finding, or making, the time to be filled. We tap into our reserves to find the strength to meet the needs of those around us. We resist stopping for our own needs for fear we drop an important ball, let someone down, miss an appointment, appear selfish. We stay in situations that are all demand and no give. We keep churning, paddling, trying, striving and wonder why, oh why, we don’t seem to be making progress. And if we keep at it long enough, we will find ourselves parched. Dry. Empty.

I’ve been through a thirsty season or two in my years on this planet. In fact, I’ve been through dry, parched seasons. I know what it’s like to lick sand hoping for water. I know what it’s like to feel completely drained and spent. And I know well, the hope of just trying harder, giving it one more shot, crawling one more foot in hopes of finding the well of refreshment desperately craved by my soul.

Can you relate? Are you burned out? Have you given your last ounce? I wonder if we are making our own desert by striving so hard. What if refreshment was right in arm’s reach? Imagine stopping right where you are and taking a long, cold, refreshing drink of water. Could you go another mile if someone offered you water today? Remember that soft drink ad The Pause that Refreshes? That ad may hold an important key.

Recently, I heard a sermon that was like ice, cold water on a hot summer day for my soul. I remember walking out of the church building feeling absolutely refreshed, nourished, calmed. Truth can be refreshing (even when it’s tough truth). As a child of God, the Holy Spirit within you will affirm truth and remind you that you don’t have to do so much. You can rest in God’s abundant and sufficient supply.

I am reminded of the burden of carrying a heavy load. Imagine yourself weighed down with your burdens, striving to make it one more step when someone comes along and shares the load or better yet, takes the entire load off of you. That’s what God says He does for us. He bears our burdens so we don’t have to. (And yet, we heap it all back on ourselves!)

Dear soul, you must find refreshment. You must sometimes pause. It’s o.k. The world doesn’t depend on you for it to stay in motion. I know it feels like it does. People will try to convince you it does. You cannot keep running on empty. You will not be able to maintain optimal performance without being properly fueled. You just can’t.

So, what’s the remedy? How do you find refreshment in a dry and weary land? My first and best answer is Jesus. He is Living Water. He carries our burdens. He cares for us.

Other Ways to Find Refreshment:

1.       Pause.  Find the time for reflection and rest.

2.       Take a class and learn something new. I know it sounds like one more thing, but it gives you so much!

 

3.       Start an exercise routine. Walking and yoga are both known stress-relievers and energy-givers.

4.       Eat for energy. Clean eating offers so much nutritional support for your body!

5.       Get on the GREEN SMOOTHIE bandwagon. There are some great recipes out there and you can tweak them to get the flavor you want.

6.       Try aromatherapy.

7.       Implement meditation/prayer. Research backs up the value of these practices.

8.     Make time to journal and organize your thoughts.

9.       Practice Thanksgiving. Intentional giving of thanks reminds you of the bounty you’ve been given. It’s a well right in the middle of the desert.

10.   Test drive a life coach. I know it seems self-serving since it’s my business, but seriously – life coaches partner with you and help you put things in perspective! Free consultations available.

Stormy Seas

This morning I spent some time in prayer thinking back over some of what I’ve been through the last few years. I am not going to recount all of the details here, but suffice it to say, I have weathered some storms. Some better than others, to be sure, but nonetheless, I am here today and find myself on solid ground. I’m less naïve, and that means wiser in some ways. In my prayer time, I was giving thanks for the journey. In fact, I found myself giving thanks for the actual storm(s).

Once upon a time I lived in Hawaii. Now, before I tell the story I’m here to tell, let me just tell you a little bit about living in Hawaii. To say it was awesome and leave it at that would be a gross understatement and leaving me sounding shallow. However, it was, indeed, awesome. I’ve heard that some people don’t like living there. In fact, I remember visiting, having the time of my life and saying as I left, “It’s beautiful, but I don’t think I could live here.” (There’s a whole message brewing in my head right now about how we deny ourselves dreams.) I was wrong! Living in Hawaii was fabulous. I believe part of the reason I loved it so much was that I determined to love it before I ever got there. You see, we didn’t choose it, the Air Force chose it for us but I knew it was a dream many would long for and so I decided to make the most of it. And I did.

Bellows AS, Windward Oahu

When I got to Hawaii, I started enjoying the beaches and the beauty of the mauka (mountains) right away. One week after we arrived, my husband had to travel (and my kids weren’t there yet) so I found myself alone, more or less, to explore. I had a very good friend living there, so we did some things together, but I also did things totally on my own. I drove myself around a big part of the island, along the water one Sunday, holding up my camera as I drove and clicking, hoping I’d catch some of the magnificence as I drove. Another evening, I drove to another part of the island and ended up in a very remote feeling area surrounded by mountains streaming waterfalls. It was amazing. I loved it all. I loved walking along the water. I loved hiking (eventually – I had to get in better shape to enjoy that). I loved snorkeling and soaking up the sunshine. Someone once told me I was a local girl. I wasn’t really that immersed, but I tried to be. I treasure that compliment from a true local.

One of the things I did while living in Hawaii was take sailing lessons. There’s a famous group of female instructors at Hickam Air Force Base called “The Wet Hens” and they’ve maintained sailing classes in Hickam Harbor since the 1960’s. It used to be by women for women, but men are allowed in the classes now. There’s a story that a bunch of military wives were hanging out at what is now called “Foster’s Point” and the beach area when it was being created and the Harbor Master (Foster) said, “What am I going to do with all you wet hens?”. He taught them to sail and thus began the famous sailing group. I’d been told I had to do it and so eventually I gathered up enough courage to    enroll in a class.

I had some fun times on the water. I was never a great sailor – primarily because when it got “sporty”, I got intimidated. I liked it calm, the way it looks in movies. Here’s the thing about calm. If there’s not enough wind, you don’t move. Sailors need some wind to go. When it’s too still you have to nudge your boat along until you hit a little puff of wind. No wind. No go.

After a "sunset sail" along Waikiki

Now some people love it quite windy. I’ve done that and made it through, but it wasn’t necessarily pretty. I wasn’t too confident (or even confident at all) about my ability to jibe. I didn’t remember in the moment the necessity of slow, controlled moving of the boom. It was high wind day and it was one of my early times on the water without a more experienced sailor onboard. We started into the jibe and I let the wind grab that sail and yank the boom across in an uncontrolled way that snapped us into a C-jibe (no Bueno) and would’ve capsized us if not for the 400 lb keel. It was rough! It scared me and maybe scarred me a little. Ok, it scarred me a lot. But, some love that kind of adventure. They embrace the challenging days on the water because they know it makes them a better sailor. I can appreciate that more now, but then it just felt like failure.

Hiking on Kauai 

This morning as I remembered my storm(s) – I say “storm(s)” because I’m not sure if it was a series of storms or one big one that lasted a few years – but as I remembered, I recalled the story of Jesus and the disciples out on a boat in rough seas. My pen was dancing around the question, “Was I in a storm because I was out of God’s will or because I had to go through the storm to get where I am? Or both?”. I hovered over this quite a while and then mused, “Would I have had the storms if I was following Jesus?” The answer in my soul was a resounding yes! 

Mark 4:35-41 New International Version (NIV)

Jesus Calms the Storm

Recreational Outrigger Paddling Hickam Harbor

³⁵ That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” ³⁶ Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. ³⁷ A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. ³⁸ Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

³⁹ He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

⁴⁰ He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

⁴¹ They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

The Big Island of Hawaii

You can be walking (or sailing) closely with Jesus. He can be right there in your boat and you can run into or get caught up in a dangerous, life-threatening storm. And sometimes, He’s sleeping in your boat, seemingly unaware of what you’re going through. But here’s what we forget, He can calm the storm. Does that irritate you a little? Or a lot? I get that! If Jesus can calm the storm, why is He letting me go through this? Oh, I’ve felt that. I’ve felt the panic as I tried to wake the slumbering Lord. I’ve felt the sense of desertion even though He was right there. All I’ve been able to grasp in my mind is that if Jesus allows the storm, He has a reason. He’s going to use that to teach me, to grow some spiritual muscle in me. That very storm and seeing Jesus’ calm in the midst of it, may be there very thing that enables me to glorify Him or help another in the midst of their storm. I just don’t believe God wastes our storms. And yes, like the disciples, we can be walking closely with Jesus and still face a storm.

Bellows AS, Windward Oahu

I needed that reminder today. My life storms can make me question my faith at times. But sometimes, here’s the kicker, sometimes you face the storm because you are following Jesus. The disciples were in that particular boat at that particular time because they were traveling with Him. This reassures me. It tells me that the things I’ve been through had a purpose. And now? Well, now I’m getting to enjoy the calm. The beauty of life after the storm. There will certainly be more storms in my future, but today I’m going to take in the view I get to enjoy because I survived the storm.