The Balm of Good Friends

OHHHHH my! I am so blessed! And so are you, friend. So. Are. You. If you have a friend, a true friend, you are blessed beyond measure.

Have you had a friendship that lasted years? Have you changed? Have they? What about disagreements? Long periods with little to no communication? Miscommunications? I’d guess that those things are common in most relationships. It doesn’t seem unusual to me anyway. And yet, in spite of those things, great friendships can endure.

My marriage friendship is like that. We don’t always see eye to eye. We have different seasons of growth from each other. We have different points of view on some things, same on others and yet remain best of friends. I’d rather be with my husband than anyone in the world. Still, there’ve been times that closeness was threatened. Times when one or the other of us might’ve wondered if we’d stick it out. (The first year was hard! Other years, too.) Still, we are more than married, we are best friends. We feel like “one”. When one hurts, the other hurts – even if we caused the pain. We rejoice in each other’s success.

We are friends! 

I’ve had reason to think about friends this week. To rejoice. To grieve. To be thankful. Not all friendships are deep and lasting. Some are conditional. When you step out of line or offend, you get cut off. That hurts. Some seem conditional, but, given time, heal. That is truly beautiful. Some friends really are closer than a brother. Those friends trust you so much that, while they may not like or prefer something you choose, they know without a shadow of doubt that you’re operating in what you believe is your best interest. That kind of trust is valuable beyond measure.

I had some great teaching this week on “detachment” – detaching a person and their worth from their behavior. I’m still wrapping my head around it, but I can tell you that this awareness makes forgiveness and moving on almost easy. I can see a person as valuable apart from their actions and know that if they do something hurtful to me, it stems from some pain or wrong done to them. They’re wounded and trying to feel better and that comes, unfortunately, by reclaiming their power by hurting someone else. BUT, and here’s what’s really important… when I detach them from their actions, I can also detach myself from the impact of those actions. In other words, I don’t have to be the victim. And when I’m not in the position of victim, I don’t need to make myself feel better by retaliating or hurting someone else because I am still o.k., untouched. They are responsible for their actions, but not to me. And I can have compassion.

That’s the essence of what I learned. I’m not sure I understand it all through and through but it’s becoming clearer.

All of that, along with some pretty deep personal experiences, bring me back to friendships and how valuable they are. Last week, I had the soothing experience of spending the day with one of my closest friends ever. (I have a whole group of best friends (Thank you, Lord!), and each one has a special place in my life and heart. How blessed I am!) As we talked, and listened, and sipped coffee, dined and shopped, we pretty much covered all the important aspects of life - because that’s what girlfriends do. It doesn’t matter how many hours we live apart, we are there for each other, in the ups and in the downs. I’m thankful for our many years together. That day together made up for months apart!

In another part of our lives, my husband and I received messages of support and understanding from friends regarding a difficult issue we are facing. How grateful I am for the love of friends! (And the trust I spoke of earlier.) These people enrich my life!

In the midst of turmoil, friends like these soothe my soul. Listen. Your friends don’t have to agree with you or join you in all your decisions, nor do you have to do so for your friends. True friends speak truth – lovingly, trust your judgment based on your character, offer love and support in hardship, and laughter during the good times. It’s kind of like traditional marriage vows – in sickness and in health, whether rich or poor…

Now, I must add that not all friendships can last the long haul. People change, and not always for good. You may find yourself in a friendship/relationship that is no longer healthy or wise for you. It’s o.k. to choose to distance yourself from the things that are harmful to you, emotionally and certainly, physically. It’s o.k. to choose to run with wiser people should you find yourself linked with foolish people. It’s o.k. to find new friends that uplift you and support you. I urge you to:

•          Treasure your friendships.
•          Don’t let small offenses disrupt something that is otherwise good.
•          Practice giving the grace you’d like to receive. (That’s different than letting someone abuse you.)
•          Give thanks for those who put up with you during your life upheavals and changes. (I sure do!)
•          Exercise restraint when angry or offended.

There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.

 – Proverbs 18:24, NLT