Older, Wiser and Happier

I was looking through some pictures from last year and suddenly I saw it- something everyone else could probably see, but I was blinded to it. I was smiling but not happy. It was in the eyes. They were perfectly made up, but flat when you looked into them. The smile was there, but it didn't fully wrap around my face. I was holding it together, but not much more than that.

There was something else in those old pictures - me trying, trying so hard. Trying to be approved of. Trying to fit in. Trying to excel. And I felt like a fake, if I am honest. Somewhere in my core I knew that the things I was chasing wouldn't really satisfy me, but I was trying to believe they would... because if not this, then what? What was I to do? How would I help others? What else was I qualified to do?

Maybe you can relate. Maybe you've been there. Maybe you ARE there. I get it. Trust me when I tell you that there is help and healing. You can feel better! Your story isn't over until your life is over. As long as God gives you breath, there are things for you to do and you matter! God sees us and knows us and is intimately acquainted with all our ways (Ps 139). One thing I learned is that I had to go through the things I did to get where I am. It was part of the journey. And looking back, there are things that I wouldn't choose to repeat, but I know they were valuable in helping me get to my new wonderful place.

Left July 2017, Right June 2018

I'll be straight up - this feels too raw, too honest. It's hard to go back and look at myself then. I came across a picture where I was dressed up for awards night. It was 2 weeks after my dad had died and I was trying to put on a smile and be a good business woman and keep moving forward. (Remember, my mom had died just 3 months earlier.) I wanted to be a strong Christian woman who trusted God so much she didn't grieve (maybe).

So, I went to my company's annual awards meeting. I put on the dress. I did (overdid) the hair and put on the makeup. I was in full costume. And, I did feel beautiful and successful. I enjoyed the celebrations and blocked out all the negative for a while. I had fun with my sister-friends. I retreated for a bit. I'm glad I did that. It helped at the time.

But recently, I looked back. I looked at the pictures and I saw the hidden grief. I saw the pain. I saw the anguish of trying so hard. I saw the unhealthy woman I was.

This summer - at peace.

TRUTH: When we are in the middle of a situation, we can put on blinders to the truth. We convince ourselves we're fine. We get so accustomed to seeing ourselves a certain way that we don't even realize or believe or hope that we can be better. We can be great. We just think that where we are is where we have to be.

Not too long after the picture was taken, I started down a new path. I packed my suitcase and headed to California to train in a new business. That started a chain of events inside of me that has rocked my world. I was able to let go of old pains, embrace new adventures and started figuring out the real me (someone I'd been hiding from for decades). As that happened, I found the ambition and courage to let go of weight and expectations. I found forgiveness for myself and others. I found healing for my soul. And it shows.

Left July 2017, Right July 2018

It wasn't until I did a side by side picture as a way to encourage someone on a similar journey that I saw it. Side by side, I saw the difference in my smile ... in my eyes. I could see the mask I'd been wearing and I could see how much better off I was without it.

To all who knew me before and after - I give you a heartfelt thanks for sticking with me. Some people may not like the new me - the real me - and that's o.k. It's not your fault that you didn't know the real me before - I was hiding. I am who I am. I am so thankful for Jesus' promise to never leave me nor forsake me. He's faithful - always faithful. I'm thankful for the whole journey. I wouldn't be where I am without it. When I look back now, I hardly recognize the woman in the pictures.

As for where I am now - I'm back in college, which I'd resisted for 35 years. Next year, God willing, I should have my Bachelor of Science in Interdisciplinary Studies focusing on Business/Life Coaching/Christian Counseling. I am a certified life coach who still dabbles in the cosmetics/skincare realm. I am enjoying a body that is significantly lighter and much less painful. I'm nearly off all my medication for hypertension. I'm relaxed and am enjoying a summer filled with grandchildren amidst my collegiate and coaching work. Next May, I'll be 58 years old and am having the time of my life. #58isnottoolate ! And I smile through and through!