Why Resolutions May Be Harmful to You

The rush of resolution-making is mostly over now that the calendar has flipped from Dec to Jan. But I fear that many are beating themselves up over it. I bet a lot of people reading this didn’t even make a resolution or choose a word or Bible verse or goal for the year and therefore, are admonishing themselves for not even doing that. After all, that’s what we’re supposed to do before a new year rolls over, right? I mean, if we’re serious about being a good person – a diligent person – a committed person for crying out loud. That’s what we do! And if we don’t, well, we don’t deserve the results anyway.

At least that’s what we (and everyone around us, it seems) are telling ourselves. Well, I’m here to set you free, sister! Resolutions may actually be bad for you. Resolutions set you up for a year of shaming and self-abuse that actually move you farther from your goals than ever. My coaching mentor, Sean Smith, just wrote a great piece about this topic and I’m just jumping on the band wagon because I want you to hear it. Resolutions don’t work. They’re just a way of telling yourself how you’re not good enough and reinforce old programming – the very programming you need to free yourself from in order to reach the goals and be who you are made to be! (Gah! This is what I call some deep kimchi.)

Last January, for the first time that I know of, I changed my way of thinking of goals. I had zero specific goals and rather (accidentally?) established a focus for the year that totally embodies what Sean talks about – although my words were different. I declared the new year to be “The Year of Me” and before you jump on my worldly, selfish verbiage, it was just the right thing. I have a rather long story about what I’d been through the year before and why I needed to focus on myself. I wasn’t seeking anything other than to discover what I truly needed and wanted and put into practice some good, healthy routines that would help me take care of myself. In Sean’s words, I embarked on loving and understanding myself. Period. And then I chose a word for the year that I felt was important to focus on: blessed.

In “The Year of Me”, I:

·         Spent more time in God’s word

·         Sat by the lake (a lot!)

·         Wrote poems and blogs

·         Took better care of my body by eating “delicious, nutritious food”

·         Gave myself permission to prioritize myself enough to go back to college

·         Immersed myself in my studies - happily

·         Said “Goodbye” to things that weren’t good for me or I them

·         Celebrated personal achievements

·         (Mostly) stopped criticizing my body

·         Learned to halt my negative self-talk and speak positive truth

·         Said “no” more often - even to "good things"

·         Memorized Psalm 139 which helped me see how special I am to God …

·         And Psalm 23 which helped me see how God, the ultimate Shepherd, cares for me and provides for me

These are some of the highlights. Learning to love myself more the way God loves me, I also reaped some benefits that are more like things we set up as goals.  I:

•   relinquished excess weight
• spent more time with family
• developed a more positive head talk
• grew in my relationship with God 
• started a new business 
• found more quiet time
• made new friends
• enriched my marriage

The thing is when we love and understand ourselves, we prioritize differently. We care for ourselves differently. We don’t need willpower. We can override negative programming. We are surer of our decisions and paths. And – we are freer to enjoy the life we have.

Do I ever fall back into old habits and programming? Sure, I do. BUT – that’s not the norm. I don’t spend time trying to silence my inner longings but rather try to understand them. And just a simple (not so simple) example to help you see what I mean – when I find myself craving food x, I’m more likely to seek to understand why I want it and what I’m actually craving (Peace? Control? A hug? Family time?). It’s a process.

Now, to be clear, I’m not anti-goals. But if you’re setting resolutions for things you’ve had a hard time achieving before that you believe you should be doing that somehow would define you as a good person or a successful person or a committed, valuable person, you may be setting yourself up for a painful defeat that results in more self-abuse and shame and guilt and stories of how you never do what you say you’re going to do and what a slacker you are. And that never, ever leads to true success. You, my friend, are “fearfully and wonderfully made” – a work of the Most High. Maybe you want to consider having 2 goals (Sean Smith) 1. Love 2. Understand – others, yourself, God, not necessarily in that order.

My word for the year is simple: BLOOM. My goals are to do things that help that process.