Why Resolutions May Be Harmful to You

The rush of resolution-making is mostly over now that the calendar has flipped from Dec to Jan. But I fear that many are beating themselves up over it. I bet a lot of people reading this didn’t even make a resolution or choose a word or Bible verse or goal for the year and therefore, are admonishing themselves for not even doing that. After all, that’s what we’re supposed to do before a new year rolls over, right? I mean, if we’re serious about being a good person – a diligent person – a committed person for crying out loud. That’s what we do! And if we don’t, well, we don’t deserve the results anyway.

At least that’s what we (and everyone around us, it seems) are telling ourselves. Well, I’m here to set you free, sister! Resolutions may actually be bad for you. Resolutions set you up for a year of shaming and self-abuse that actually move you farther from your goals than ever. My coaching mentor, Sean Smith, just wrote a great piece about this topic and I’m just jumping on the band wagon because I want you to hear it. Resolutions don’t work. They’re just a way of telling yourself how you’re not good enough and reinforce old programming – the very programming you need to free yourself from in order to reach the goals and be who you are made to be! (Gah! This is what I call some deep kimchi.)

Last January, for the first time that I know of, I changed my way of thinking of goals. I had zero specific goals and rather (accidentally?) established a focus for the year that totally embodies what Sean talks about – although my words were different. I declared the new year to be “The Year of Me” and before you jump on my worldly, selfish verbiage, it was just the right thing. I have a rather long story about what I’d been through the year before and why I needed to focus on myself. I wasn’t seeking anything other than to discover what I truly needed and wanted and put into practice some good, healthy routines that would help me take care of myself. In Sean’s words, I embarked on loving and understanding myself. Period. And then I chose a word for the year that I felt was important to focus on: blessed.

In “The Year of Me”, I:

·         Spent more time in God’s word

·         Sat by the lake (a lot!)

·         Wrote poems and blogs

·         Took better care of my body by eating “delicious, nutritious food”

·         Gave myself permission to prioritize myself enough to go back to college

·         Immersed myself in my studies - happily

·         Said “Goodbye” to things that weren’t good for me or I them

·         Celebrated personal achievements

·         (Mostly) stopped criticizing my body

·         Learned to halt my negative self-talk and speak positive truth

·         Said “no” more often - even to "good things"

·         Memorized Psalm 139 which helped me see how special I am to God …

·         And Psalm 23 which helped me see how God, the ultimate Shepherd, cares for me and provides for me

These are some of the highlights. Learning to love myself more the way God loves me, I also reaped some benefits that are more like things we set up as goals.  I:

•   relinquished excess weight
• spent more time with family
• developed a more positive head talk
• grew in my relationship with God 
• started a new business 
• found more quiet time
• made new friends
• enriched my marriage

The thing is when we love and understand ourselves, we prioritize differently. We care for ourselves differently. We don’t need willpower. We can override negative programming. We are surer of our decisions and paths. And – we are freer to enjoy the life we have.

Do I ever fall back into old habits and programming? Sure, I do. BUT – that’s not the norm. I don’t spend time trying to silence my inner longings but rather try to understand them. And just a simple (not so simple) example to help you see what I mean – when I find myself craving food x, I’m more likely to seek to understand why I want it and what I’m actually craving (Peace? Control? A hug? Family time?). It’s a process.

Now, to be clear, I’m not anti-goals. But if you’re setting resolutions for things you’ve had a hard time achieving before that you believe you should be doing that somehow would define you as a good person or a successful person or a committed, valuable person, you may be setting yourself up for a painful defeat that results in more self-abuse and shame and guilt and stories of how you never do what you say you’re going to do and what a slacker you are. And that never, ever leads to true success. You, my friend, are “fearfully and wonderfully made” – a work of the Most High. Maybe you want to consider having 2 goals (Sean Smith) 1. Love 2. Understand – others, yourself, God, not necessarily in that order.

My word for the year is simple: BLOOM. My goals are to do things that help that process.

Crying Over Scrambled Eggs

This morning was a pretty normal morning for me – up about 5:30, coffee x2, cozy blanket, journal, Bible – that’s how it goes. I have leisurely mornings with focused activity. I get up early to allow time to take my time if you know what I mean. After my thoughtful time, I got up – as usual – and made my breakfast. This morning I planned scrambled eggs. Sometimes, I have hard-boiled eggs, just to change it up a bit. But today the plan was scrambled eggs and a half of an apple, sliced. Simple. I heated the skillet, spritzed in some coconut oil and cracked my free-range eggs into the pan and began to scramble them. When they were just right, I scooped them onto a small Polish Pottery plate and went about halving then slicing my apple. I stood at the counter to gaze out the window and began to eat.

It doesn’t take too long to eat this breakfast so sitting down seemed a bit of a bother. It was just then, with my brain active and awake after being up for an hour and a half, that I realized what I was doing and what I’d been doing for so very many years. I was taking the gift – the blessing ­– of breakfast, of food, for granted. I was treating this privilege as if it was nothing.

In our home, we make it a practice to pray before most of our meals and thank God for our food. It’s very routine. In fact, it’s almost thoughtless. I’m glad that it’s such a routine that praying in a restaurant feels just as normal as praying in our home. Still, if I’m honest, it’s also such a routine that we do it too often without any real thought. We say words but don’t bother to really think about their significance.

Along these lines, I had another realization recently that relates to dieting. I often feel deprived when dieting. You, too? I look at what everyone else is having and I want to indulge, too. I don’t want to request steamed broccoli when others are having things coated in cheese and bread crumbs. Sometimes, in that state of feeling deprived, I go the other way and just order whatever I want. It’s a rebellious part of my personality that just goes for it, so to speak. When I feel deprived emotionally, I do the same thing. “Whatever!” becomes my mantra. I realized that in feeding my sense of deprivation I actually gain weight. Can you see the irony there? The collapse of logic? Clearly, I’m not actually deprived if I have choice.

This brings me back to this morning’s eggs. Those scrambled eggs may be my routine, but they are a gift. Wait for it – just like the ability to choose between steamed broccoli or broccoli casserole (or cheese dip, or a hot appetizer like everyone else) is a gift. I am blessed and if you are reading this, you are too. We actually have more than enough. We have choices. We, or at least I (and probably you), have a kitchen, pots and pans, butter, coconut oil, and utensils all at our disposal. We are not deprived. I am not deprived. And those basic, uninspired scrambled eggs? Well, they’re a blessing and as such, deserve special treatment.

 I immediately changed my course. I moved from my counter top location and went to the dining room table. I sat down and began to give heartfelt thanks for my eggs, my apple, my stove, my warm home. Scrambled eggs never tasted so good. I decided that the luxury of food – especially when it’s so easy to come by – deserves true thanksgiving and taking the time to sit down and enjoy the gift.

Now, I know myself. It won’t be long before I’ll be on to another great insight and in danger of forgetting this lesson. That’s why I’m writing it down. I want to remember. I need to be truly thankful for each blessed morsel. I don’t want to be shoving food mindlessly in my mouth anymore – at a counter top, in my car, eating in haste or mindlessly at any event. I want to honor the One who has so lavishly and abundantly provided for me. Once upon a time, God provided an abundant supply of manna and quail for His people. They weren’t grateful. They complained. How like them I have been!

Lord, thank you. Not just for the feast I have enjoyed over the past few days, but for what you provide every day. Thank you for the simple, fresh food I’m blessed to choose from. Thank you for the gift of indulgent foods that I am blessed to enjoy any time I desire. Please help me remember that I am blessed. May I not take my meals for granted. Please rebuke me if I’m found slipping back to my old ways.

The Perfection of Imperfection

Even as I write the title, I am moved by truth. Imperfection is actually perfect. It blows me away to fully consider this. I am, by far, the most imperfect person I know. I can be selfish, rude,  self-serving, and shallow - and that's the tip of the iceberg. I eat when I'm anxious, sad, happy, and mad. I laugh at inappropriate things and can cry at the drop of a hat. I know I'm not supposed to care what you think about me, but I do. I am guilty of things that would very likely surprise you. And this is where I am today - imperfect and in that is it's own perfection.

Oh, I know how it sounds to the most religious of you. Glorifying in my sin. Celebrating things that are wrong. But, oh my dear friend, that's not how it is at all. My sin breaks my heart. I would that I was different - so very often. I grow. I learn. And by the grace of God, I change. I like to think I improve - and I believe I do. I simply do not know how to be where I am except by where I've been. Those imperfections? Those flaws are part of the very reason I know Jesus and are surely evidence that I needed a savior. I could not, cannot overcome my weaknesses on my own. Frankly, I'm just too imperfect for that.

So many things are coming together in my head this morning ... realizing I feel hurt by someone taking me off of their friend list, absorbing a mind-blowing Scripture passage, facing some negative consequences of positive action (reference the unfriending part), realizing not everyone will like me or agree with me... and reckoning with that. It's o.k. It really is. You don't have to like me. You don't have to agree with me. I'm not here to please you. And that means you're not here to please me - or anyone else for that matter.

In a Perfect World 
by Stephanie Redmond, 2018

In a perfect world

We’d all be perfect.

There’d be no sin, no guilt, no shame.

There’d be no wrong and

You couldn’t be disappointed by me

Or me by you.

In a perfect world

You wouldn’t talk behind my back

Nor I behind yours.

Love would cover all

And there’d be no need

For “You hurt me”,

“I was wrong” and

“Please forgive me”.

In a perfect world

Sheep wouldn’t stray and

Shepherds would care for the one who did.

There’d be no tears, divorce, or even death.

We would love richly, worship freely, and

Live happily -

Ever after.

In a perfect world

I suppose we’d have no need for God,

Would never seek His face or

Know the power of His grace.

Thank God this world is not perfect.

What is This Life Coaching Thing Anyway? (and Why I Have a Coach)

Life Coaching – fastest growing and maybe most misunderstood profession. We’ve talked about this. You can read my other blog here. I think people want to know though. They want to get what life coaching looks like and are curious if a life coach could help them. You may be curious if life coaching could help you.

Answer: It depends. It depends on so much.

Things that affect the success of Life Coaching:

                Rapport – Do you mesh with your life coach? This is so key that actual studies have been done on it. Let me sum it up this way: no rapport, virtually no success. You may find some victory without rapport, but I wouldn’t count on it. In fact, rapport can bring success even when the coach lacks skills. Rapport is the magic juice of coaching, in my humble opinion. The fairy dust. Rapport keeps you engaged with your coach, allows your coach to speak frankly with you, cuts through the muck and mire to find out what’s really going on.

                Trust – A little different than rapport but no less important. Trust gives you security and is based on the reliability of the coach. It allows you to explore areas that you’ve been hiding from yourself, speak the truth, know your coach will maintain confidentiality, and bring their best to the conversation, looking out for your best.

                Willingness to change – If you’re unwilling to change, well, nothing will change. That’s not completely true. Some things may change but they’ll be externally charged. A willingness to change puts you in the driver’s seat and helps you realize new victories and experiences.

                Vulnerability – With good rapport and trust, you feel secure in being vulnerable with your coach. When you’re willing to be vulnerable, you avail yourself to deeper coaching and, in my opinion, faster results.

                Transparency – Similar to vulnerability, but I’m putting this one on the coach. A coach shouldn’t be pouring their hearts out to their clients, but that doesn’t mean they should act inhuman. A transparent coach increases trust and rapport. Transparency helps the client feel understood and not so alone in their struggles.

Coaching can be understood by comparing it to counseling. Counseling primarily deals with the past and how it’s affecting the client today. As a result, counseling works a lot on past stories and events. In counseling, the counselor acts as an expert and advises the client/patient. Coaching is focused on the future. Coaches may explore your past, but it’s as you bring up things that are relevant to your goals, keeping you stuck. Coaches help release the hold past events have on you and help you see ways to operate beyond that story. Note: this is a very simplistic definition and is not intended to elevate one profession over the other. Coaches are not acting as the expert on a subject as much as a helper or ally. In coaching, the client sets the pace, determines their goals and how to measure them. The differences may be cloudy at times and certainly there are similarities, still they remain separate.

Do coaches have coaches?

Yes, though not always. Coaches may believe they don’t need a personal coach, but I can’t see how this serves clients best. Everyone has blind spots. Everyone has weaknesses. Everyone needs to be challenged at times in order to reach their potential, even highly motivated individuals. A coach can bring a much sharper game when they themselves are coached. As a coach, I can be just as easily caught up in limiting beliefs, fears, and small thinking as anyone. By submitting myself for coaching, I have help examining these issues so that each week I’m bringing my clients the best me possible at that time. (See how I’m being transparent here? I don’t have all the answers.)

Some things I’ve heard from my coach(es):

                I hear defiance.

I don’t think I’m being defiant.

                Have you tried centered breathing?

Nope. Haven’t specifically heard of it.

                Let’s go through a total truth letter.

Oh, boy! *feels nervous*

                Why are you judging that?

Didn’t realize I was.

                What are you pretending not to know?

Ummmm – huh?

One of my clients wrote an article about her coaching experience recently. She said that I “help her untie the brain knots”. I think that’s an excellent description of the coaching experience. I’m the other ears, the other eyes. I have a different perspective – and you’re safe with me.

Coaching By Stephanie

                               

My (not so) super morning

Have you ever had a morning that just didn't go the way you like? I mean, that's a pretty unimaginative question. Of course you have! You're normal right? I have a great number of completely awesome mornings. I really do. I'm a morning kind of person, so that helps. I also sleep 7 - 8 hours a night and that is a definite plus. So, yeah, my mornings, as a rule, are quite lovely. I work for myself and have a pretty soft schedule most days, leaving me the luxury of moving at the pace I choose. I read, write, pray and very often make time to sit by the lake in contemplation, soaking in nature's beauty. I love mornings. . . unless they don't go my way.

Look, I'm just keeping reaaaaal. I'm a happy person in general . . . unless things don't go my way. Whoo! I might get to preaching right here. Why? Because, as far as I can tell, we all are happy when we get our way. *Note: I'm  not speaking to or diminishing depression or other psychological situations.  I'm merely addressing human nature.* I remember my mother fussing at me for not being (or showing) appreciative of the things she did for me or sacrifices she made, or just being in a bad mood over a perceived injustice. Then, when she'd  buy me something I wanted or do something special, if I did thank her and make a big deal of it, she'd admonish me for that, saying "Sure, now you're happy. You got your way." Gah! I remember wondering what she'd have me do. Talk about frustrating mixed messages! But, yes, I'm happy when things go my way and (sometimes) not so happy when they don't. That's how I felt this morning.

As far as I know, I was peacefully sleeping, fighting the occasional hot flash, when I awoke for a simple trip to the restroom. I'm 57 - these things are not unusual. It was about 3 a.m. I returned to bed as per normal and snuggled down to resume my slumber. Next thing I knew, I was checking the clock again. 3:16 a.m. ugh! Then 3:30 something. Man! Finally at 3:58, I gave it up and climbed out of bed. I figured if I wasn't going to sleep, I might as well be productive. I spent the next while somewhat grumpily reading about the development of and different philosophies surrounding Christian counseling. In the words of my husband, "If that doesn't put you to sleep, nothing will!" . I squeezed out a 30 minute snooze around 6:30 then began my day in earnest. 

Here's what I noticed. I was allowing that middle of the night awakening to set a negative tone to my day.  I complained about it on Facebook, to my husband and in my heart. I resisted acknowledging it as a gift. I failed to be thankful for the good hours of sleep I'd had between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. I didn't express sincere gratitude for the extra hours added to my day and the quiet time to read that counseling assignment. No, I griped. I haven't gone out to look at the lake either. What's up with that?

Friends, we all can act like this at times. We may face a seemingly undesirable situation and put all our focus on that, failing to see the beauty in it. I hear people say everything works out the way it should. I have resistance around that, but I know that God can use all things for good (Romans 8:28). And I know that as Christians, we are called to let our light shine before me (Matt 5:16). I don't think our light shines very brightly when we are complaining and focusing on the negative things. In that state, we become needy, snuffing out our light and often the light of those around us. 

Today I heard a song by my friend Chris Muglia that exhorts us to let Christ's light shine in us. If you've ever taken note of darkness around you, you know how badly people need light and hope. Sometimes, we put others down for advertising their happiness and the good things God is doing in their lives. We act as though all Christians are supposed to be low key, unobtrusive, unnoticeable. That's not what I see when I read Matthew 5:16 or the verses leading up to it.We are the light of the world,  a city on a hill (visible) - shining, guiding, pointing others to Christ, offering hope. 

After listening to Chris' song and meditating on Matthew 5:16 a bit, I decided to turn things around and let my light shine before me. I don't apologize for the joy I have - I want to share it. I don't write for my personal pleasure or out of desire to be recognized. I write to bring encouragement to you and others like you. I hope to ultimately show others the love of our Father in heaven and so glorify Him.

After reflection, and a little more coffee, I'm not too bothered by having risen so early. I've had a lovely, cozy morning on the couch. I've enjoyed extra time to think, meditate on God's word and engage with others on Facebook. I hope your day goes well and you can note the good things in your life. Many blessings to you this day. 

A Most Powerful Choice

There’s a conversation going on in society around the topic of not giving up. It says things like, “success lives right around the corner from I quit” and “never, never give up”. Amen! Right on! Never give up! Keep on keepin’ on! Press on! Fight to the finish! And, sometimes, this very thought process is what will keep us held back, stuck in an endless do-loop of trying so hard to be all that we think we should be.

Now, note – I said “sometimes”. It’s true that perseverance often serves us and that quitting doesn’t. It’s true that success, real success requires moving outside of the infamous comfort zone and into new, uncomfortable, even scary, territory. Success even requires failure. Requires failure! Believe me, I’m not suggesting you don’t need to persevere when things get challenging and irritating, when you find yourself failing. That, my friend, really is very often the very sign of a breakthrough. When things get tough you can celebrate moving closer to your goals – usually.

There can be a problem though. I urge you to carefully consider if you’re actually on the path that’s right for you, best for you. What if you’re hanging onto a goal that isn’t meant for you? What if getting what you think you want will keep you from finding what is best for you? What if you’re on the wrong path or have wrong motives?

Some reasons we may need to reconsider our paths:

1.   Our goals and dreams might be interfering with God’s plan. We may have a desire to achieve something that is in opposition to what God wants for us or others. God’s plans will prevail.

2.       We may be looking for security in tangible things. Our hope may be resting in something other than God. That’s an idol. Tangible things cannot satisfy the true desires of our heart.

3.       Our motives may be much more about self than others (no matter how we word it). Speaking from experience here. It’s possible to say the right things but not actually mean them – even when we think we do.

4.       We may need to learn something on another path in order to successfully walk the one we’re currently trying to manage. Think about that. You may need a temporary detour.

Here’s the thing: sometimes we recognize it’s time to move on. We feel out of whack. Things just aren’t lining up. We might become aware that all we’re doing is running up against the same roadblock again and again, making no progress. I’m suggesting you at least consider that there may be another path at the end of that road. What does it look like? Is it for you?

My friend and fellow coach, Robin, gave a group of us a great visual this week. It’s the earth cut up into puzzle pieces. She shared that we each have our place in the world and if we don’t do our part then there’s a missing puzzle piece. That got me to thinking about spiritual gifts and ministries in the body of Christ – the church. The Bible says each believer is gifted by the Holy Spirit – given supernatural gifts for growing the body. The Bible also says that “we are [Christ’s] workmanship [poema] created for good works which He prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10). And we cannot miss the truth around integrity. We can fall out of integrity with God and with ourselves and even with those around us. We compromise. We lose sight of things that really matter. Our priorities and values may not be aligning. All of these offer insights to reasons we may need to look at another path.

Let me ask you a question: if you knew you were actually on the wrong path, wouldn’t you want to be redirected? Wouldn’t you be willing to go after something new instead? And if that’s all true, can’t you stop beating up on yourself and judging your decision? Can’t you, won’t you, stop letting others rent space in your brain over your choice? Choosing a new path that serves you, God, your family, the world better is a powerful choice. If it feels dicey, I think that’s the time to press in. I think that’s the time to bring up the quotes from the beginning of this article. Choosing a new path is not the same as giving up.  – Yeah, I’m totally talking to myself. If it serves you, too, then that’s awesome.

Life Coach Comes Out of the Closet

What the heck is a life coach?! I know I’ve asked that question numerous times in the past with thoughts of Paris (Gilmore Girls reference) not being able to make a decision without consulting her life coach. Ugh. I felt for sure this was a wimpy deal for wimpy people. Maybe you can relate. I thought life coaches were expensive hand-holders for the weak. 

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

When I started getting business advice and support, I was trying to reach some goals and stumbled across a training video, then took some classes that addressed my concerns … and had no idea whatsoever that I was engaged in life coaching. Thank goodness! I might have run away and missed out all due to ignorance.

That was 2 or 3 years ago. Through group coaching, I made great strides in my business, learned more about people and started examining my beliefs and thought processes. Eventually, I hired a private coach. With my own coach, we were able to dig into my specific issues and address them. Limiting beliefs, desperate behavior, time issues, resistance. I remember one specific encounter: My mom had just died and I was at her home sorting through the years of life spent at that particular address (and many years of accumulated things in the attic). I had a coaching call scheduled and decided to keep the appointment. I remember sitting in the car, having this conversation on my Bluetooth and crying. I don’t remember any actual coaching having taken place, but I do remember having a place to let things out and being able to trust the person on the other end of the phone to handle it.

Since that time, I have become a certified life coach. Added to that, I’m finishing my degree studying life coaching and counseling (added to the tons of business study already completed years ago). 

Here’s what I now know about life coaching. Life coaching helps strong people get stronger. Life coaching is for the brave - it digs into your soul if you let it. Life coaching is for people who are tired of living as victims. Life coaching is for people who are willing to do the work to change, to improve, to look at themselves honestly.  If you choose to have a life coach, you're making a decision to grow beyond what you can do on your own. 

Life coaching

• Fastest growing helping profession
• Helps people reach goals
• Future focused - but can deal with the past as needed
• Offers a perspective you don’t have
• Directed by the client
• Are allies
• Encourage others to walk alongside of them (like a Biblical encourager)
• Provides an ear
• Helps with time management, weight management, emotion management, business management
• Is not counseling
• Goes at your pace
• Is confidential
• Calls you on your stuff
• Provides an outlet
• Can help release pent up anger, pain, fear

Try not to judge my grammar, o.k.? 

So, if you’re wondering… 

I am a life coach. I help others deal with their life issues and move forward to an improved future. I am here to serve others – to serve you. I help you uncover things you already know – like the answers to your problems. God gifted me with the gift of exhortation (or encouragement) and that gift calls you up to walk alongside of me. I'm a helper.  I’m not able to lead everyone. Some of you are ahead of me. But, I’m able to lead some, encourage some, help some and I’m passionate about it. God used life coaching in my life to free me from years of self-abuse. If he can use me to help someone else, I’m willing.

It’s scary sometimes

Sometimes I worry whether or not I’m good enough, smart enough, talented enough for what I do or feel called to. I’m afraid I’ll let you down. But when I pause and reflect on that, I know better. God has equipped me perfectly for the things He has planned for me to do. I’m not on my own. In my weakness, He is strong.

Sometimes I have to go out on a limb and risk things, events (or me) failing. But you know what? It’s worth it. Maybe I will fail at some of the things I try … but maybe I'll succeed at some. Maybe no one will listen … but maybe someone will. Maybe I can’t help everyone (I’m sure I cannot), but maybe I can help one.

It’s an honor, a trust and a great privilege

I carry a big responsibility. That anyone would trust me is extremely humbling and I acknowledge it’s a privilege to be trusted this way. I’m so honored. The responsibility of it all keeps me studying, learning, growing – working on myself so I can be the best version of me for you and the others I serve. Truthfully, it keeps me right at the feet of Jesus, listening, observing, learning.

Pray for me

Pray for me, please, as I follow what I believe God has called and equipped me to do. It’s why I write these blogs. It’s why I chose my course of study in college. And trust me, not everyone is humble or wise in this field. I need discernment about who I train under and what I read. I could use prayer in those areas, let alone prayer as I help carry others’ burdens. Thank you for honoring me this way. <3

I’ve tip-toed around being public about this – hinting, implying, but rarely flat out saying it. I’m done with that. It’s not about me and never has been. I cannot hide and sneak around and be available to serve at the same time. So, here I am – out of the closet, so to speak – humbled, grateful, ready and willing. I am here, Lord. Send me.

I am guilty.

Yesterday, I read a post that spoke of the hurt a loved one is feeling due to the public words of another. I don’t know the details. I don’t need to. I know how it goes. We get on the internet or alone with a close friend or in a text conversation and we say things about people we would never say to their face. And we think God can’t see and we rationalize our behavior and leave a mess in our wake as we walk away. And I’m guilty.

It wasn’t that long ago that I stood in the very presence of this person and complained about a situation and said unflattering things about someone else. Lord, forgive me. I have thought and thought about that scene and regretted what I did but I didn’t see my guilt. Maybe that’s not true, I saw my guilt and tried to dodge it, ignore it. And of course, I continue in my own self-righteous behavior, speaking good and evil out of my mouth and acting like it’s o.k.

As I understand the events that led to yesterday’s post, the person who did the offending is a Christian – you know, a person like me – someone who professes to love the Lord – and yet, is not only behaving in a way that is most unlike the Lord, I’m just gonna guess that – like me – he/she used their love for God to justify their behavior. #guilty

I am learning that in every situation, there is a lesson, a blessing or a gift – My friend, Diane, taught me that. So, in prayer this morning I started asking God to show my beloved family the lesson, the blessing or the gift in this ugly. Right now, there is pain and I’m not here to tell anyone they can’t hurt when painful things are done to them/you. I’m just saying God can still work and bless, teach, give good things. He makes all things beautiful.

One thing I realized immediately in their post is my own guilt. Now, let me try to make myself feel a little better and impress you a little… sigh … I genuinely try not to publicly bash anyone. Even those with whom I completely disagree. (And I take  pride in that.) *** Standing on this “ground” is completely unstable.*** There is ***zero merit*** in believing that makes me good or better – because, in private, in my pride, I fail. I sin. I am guilty.

Here’s what I think. I think that if my family knew that their pain (and public mention of it) led another to repentance, they would embrace it. I know them well enough. I believe this to be absolutely true. They wouldn’t like what happened, but they would thank God for it all the same. So, I write this. Maybe they’ll see how my own heart was impacted. And I fervently pray that others will be moved by their post, or by mine or by others, to repent. I pray that many will see their wrong and turn from their prideful, smug, sinful behavior and choose love instead. Choose kindness. Choose to honor God and others with their tongue. And, you know, there is a way to disagree, to state your beliefs without sin, without flinging flaming arrows at your brothers and sisters. Choose that way. I’m going to work on that starting right now.

Lord, I am guilty. I have hurt my brothers and sisters in the “name of Christ”. I am wrong. Please forgive me and show me a better way. Please remind me of this moment in the future when I am tempted to criticize. I am human but you call me to be like Christ. And, Lord, please heal the hurts of these who serve you so faithfully. May they see the good you can bring from the pain.  

NOTE: There is a lot on this subject in the Bible. You might try asking Google what the Bible says about gossip, how we are to talk as Christians, what does repent mean. 

Eating Emotions

I’ve been thinking about emotional eating this morning. Now, if you’re like me, you may acknowledge that you are emotional/stress eater, but you may have mixed feelings about changing that situation. Oh, you want things to be different, but you don’t (I don’t) want to actually change. Ouch. I went right there. Right to the heart of the matter. You may feel a little ticked at me right now and may be forming an argument, but remember, I’m talking to myself as much as to you, if even to you.  Maybe it’s just me (but I don’t think so).

We – you and I – would like to be free of the negative side effects of emotional eating, mainly the weight gain, but truth be told, it also feels good. Yes, I know I’m telling the secrets. I know I’m openly admitting things that people like you and me hide from others. Can you be brave with me and look at it for a few minutes. I’ll stand here with you.

What I know to be true is that emotional eating is not so different from alcoholism. It’s just another type of substance. And, the thing is, no one really talks about the truth of emotional eating (and other substance abuse) – it feels good. It doesn’t just numb pain, it actually releases feel good sensations in the body. It has a calming effect.

I think something else is happening with emotional eating. As we stuff things into our body – and I know for me, it can feel very frantic in the moment – we are actually stuffing in emotions that we don’t want to face or deal with at the time, or even at all. We want to feel good and deny these feel bad emotions so we stuff them in. Maybe we don’t feel we have a right to feel stressed or then again, maybe we’re afraid that if we let the emotions surface we won’t be able to stop them. I know that kind of pain, maybe you do, too. So, we use food to trick ourselves into feeling good for a little while.

 

Something I’ve noticed is that society (me, you, we) use the term “emotional eater” to stifle conversation around our behavior and size, leaving others to go “O.K., she knows what’s happening,” and get off our backs. We do this “brave thing” of acknowledging our behavior – or so we think. Now we wouldn’t accept that from an alcoholic or drug abuse. We’d be all “There’s help for that”. But emotional eating doesn’t seem as “bad” or dangerous as alcohol or drug abuse.

Here's what I’m going to suggest. What if you (I) let yourself feel the stress, express the frustration and anger, allow it to surface? Oh, yes, I know how scary that can be, but what if you could find the source, the pain and just deal with it straight on instead of letting it control you? What if you took back your power instead of letting these emotions and unresolved issues control you? It’s not wrong to be angry or sad or hurt. No one said you have to be happy all the time – and if they did, they’re wrong.

Sister, brother, there is so much freedom on the other side of the fence. There are new experiences, new highs, new lows, too. It won’t feel perfect all the time and you may have to buy some Kleenex, but there is help and hope. Eating food, packing on extra weight, hiding doesn’t help in the end. It’s a false sense of better. It tricks you into thinking you’re “o.k.” and denies you the help you need.

Facing my inner critic, voices of my past, reminding myself of God’s love for me, and crying a puddle

of healing tears all have helped me in the quest to overcome emotional eating. Sometimes, I find myself back in my old ways and recognize I’m not “done” yet. I still have things to face and things to learn. And that’s o.k. My life isn’t perfect, but in my authentic (sometimes sad) self I have a lot more happiness than I ever pretended to have.

My mission today is to allow myself to feel things that don’t feel good. I’m granting myself permission to sit with anxiety a bit instead of grabbing something to numb the irritations. I’m going to remind myself that I’m safe and loved. I will feel my emotions, but I won’t let them rule me. I have a new loving place to dwell. Will you join me? 

A Piece of Quiet

Sometime after my daughter was born (26 years ago), I would mention needing some peace and quiet. I don’t remember which child it was (I’m thinking my middle child, now 28 years old), but somewhere along the way I realized he thought I was saying I needed a “piece of quiet”. Well, that’s kind of the same thing. In a noisy, active house of 3 kids, you can imagine that this mom could use a piece of quiet.

I craved it so much that I actually got up at 5 a.m. each day even though my children didn’t get up until 7. Crazy, right? Well, you have to understand. I had become more active in church and had learned about Ladies’ Bible Study. I joined the group – they had free childcare! – and the study we were doing required 45 minutes a day for homework. In addition, I desired to start learning how to have a “Quiet Time”, a structured time of prayer and Bible reading. The only way I knew to do that was to get up before my kiddos – and I’ve pretty consistently stuck to that for 26 years (though not always at 5 a.m).

I would love to tell you that I always do it and that I never get distracted by Facebook or looking at random newsfeed stories, but well, that wouldn’t be true. What is true is that the more I allow myself consistent quiet time and time for prayer and Bible reading, the more I resist social media, t.v., games, chores, reading the news and focus on my own thoughts, listening to instrumental music, writing, journaling my prayers – the more I do all of these things, the more productive I am and the calmer I feel.

This morning I was distracted by many things. First of all, I stayed up late last night and as a result slept in this morning (6:45 a.m. is late when you normally rise before 6!). When I finally got out of bed, I was groggy and slow moving. In this state, I don’t make the best choices and went straight to Facebook to “wake up”. Hello, black hole! Next, I was caught off-guard by realizing it was time for me to check in with my coach. Before that call was finished, my granddaughter was up (they’re visiting for the weekend) and I was ready to engage with her. All of that meant that it was 9 a.m. before I realized I’d yet to be still and acknowledge God or ponder my own thoughts and plans. Sigh. Hello, human nature!

Do I get it right all the time? No! Do you? I know that you don’t. What I try to do is look for the lesson, the gift. Today it is a check-in with my soul. I need a piece of quiet. I do. Every day. That time I take in the morning is one of the greatest gifts I give myself and it also a gift to those I love and serve. It’s here in this quiet space that I recalibrate. It’s here that I have time to think. It’s here that ideas are born and motivation is generated. It’s here that my soul finds rest and it’s here that I can hear the still, small voice of the Most High.

Steps to Finding Your Own Piece of Quiet

1 – Get up early. It may take a little work to get to where you want to be, but you can begin by getting up 15 mins earlier than normal and go from there.

2 – Steal away during the day for a mental break and check-in. Heather Jones recommends a 1-minute check-in every hour. Set an alarm on your phone and just ask yourself how you’re doing – do you need water? Are you in need of a healthy snack? Do you need to move? Stretch and prepare to refocus.

3 – Go to bed earlier. Rachel Hollis says she gets in bed every night at 7:30 to read and focus. That’s why she’s so productive! That may not be what you want but what about limiting social media at night? Turning off the t.v. 30 minutes before bedtime? No t.v. in your bedroom? Setting your phone on “Do Not Disturb”? Mine is set for no interruptions between 10 pm and 7 am.

4 – Feed your soul daily. “Give us this day our daily bread” indicates our need for God’s provision daily.

5 – Journal – make time to journal regularly. I journal prayers and thankfulness. I’m a perpetual notetaker.

6 – Go for a walk. A gentle stroll or power walk – either has the ability to give you time to think and reconnect.

7 – Plug In! I know we often advocate unplugging and with good reason. However, in a noisy environment, you can use earphones to put the sounds in your ear that are uplifting, calming, motivating – whatever you need. I love listening to Hawaiian music on Pandora!

8 – Set aside an hour a day to work on your most pressing goals. This comes from Rachel Hollis and her Rise Conference. If it’s important to you, you must make time to make it happen. Period.

9 – Hire a sitter, go to a coffee shop, sit in your car – I often take 10 minutes or so before heading into the grocery store to catch up on things and think.

10 – Teach others to honor your quiet spaces and times. You are allowed to be “off limits” sometimes. Really! Timers work well for little children, as do closed doors when someone else is there to supervise.

Start taking a regular "piece of quiet"time and see what happens. I find I have more time and energy for others when I do.

Coaching By Stephanie