Pandemic Leadership

I've invented a new term - a new niche, if you will - for life coaching. The niche is called Pandemic Leadership. I'm pretty sure I'll make a fortune. Then again, maybe not, because it's  possible that the ones who are in need don't know it.

Some things to consider:

1. Are you responsible for a group, a team, an office? Are you a supervisor, executive, manager? 
2. As such, do people rely on you to lead, guide and direct their work, performance, or production?
3. Is your normal leadership style distinctly hands-off or very involved? (It may be more in the middle but how does it look to your team?_
4. Are you engaging with your team regularly?
5. Are you feeling uncertain as to what to do?
6. Are you feeling anxious yourself working from home and possibly with children/spouses there?
7. Are you worried about funding, the future, your job, your team members' jobs?
8. Are your supervisors communicating with you? 
9. Do you feel reluctant to engage lest you make a promise you can't keep or because you don't have a clue what to say?

Any of these could be reason enough to examine where you fall in the realm of Pandemic Leadership. 

Let me quickly reassure you that up until now you've done what you know to do. Whatever you (or others) may sense is lacking, you've done what you know to do and that's been the best you had to offer at the time. Just because someone else might have "done it better" or thinks you could have, doesn't mean you didn't give your best. The question is: can you/should you do more and if so, what?

Pandemic by definition means prevalent over a whole country or world. That's a lot to ponder. And it's a heavy weight for your team, too. You may not be able to affect the whole world but you can impact your team and that can have a ripple effect that can positively impact your organization and the people in it. If you can improve your small corner of the world, shouldn't you? Odds are your team needs you and is looking to you to show them the way through this uncharted territory.

Here are some very simple things that you can do to get started. 

• Put people over profits. People are your most valuable asset - and they can tell when you're thinking of them or when you're more worried about the bottom line (or yourself). Whether it's your team or your customers, it's incredibly valuable to put your energy into the people and what they need. Most need reassurance that you simply care. 
• Communicate in a meaningful way. In other words, show you care. Consider what speaks to them most. Is it time, or words of affirmation, a gift of some sort? A simple thank you card can hit many of these. Even a personal text can mean a lot. Broad messages of support, encouragement and the organizations ability to move through the pandemic to greener pastures are also essential. People need to be reassured!
• Communicate regularly. And I don't mean to check up on their work. Send out team emails - daily. Find things to share with them that are encouraging. They need to hear from you even if it seems silly. Set up individual calls and encourage supervisors under you to do the same. Have team meetings weekly, even if all you do is just hang out. This is the new way to open your office door. Your people need to see and hear you. 
• Be transparent. I cannot stress this more. Yes, I can. BE TRANSPARENT !!! There. It is not a weak posture to admit that you feel uncertain or that you're learning how to manage the work, team, customers in this new situation. When you let your team know that you aren't working a perfect 9-5 day and that you've had to make adjustments to your workday, you give them permission to do the same. When you are willing to hold telemeetings with kids running around, they won't worry so much about their spouse walking through the room (just make sure they've got their pants on). 
• Be involved (but don't micromanage). Not sure there's much more to say. You've got to free your team to work on their own, but you still need to be involved. I encourage checking in now and again, see if they are clear on what they can be doing, free them from unnecessary tasks, respond to their emails and texts. 
• Reduce your expectations. You have to understand that your employees/team are in an imperfect, new environment for work - and they probably have kids, animals and spouses to contend with as they attempt to work. Most likely, they are not sitting at a desk in a private office. They might be using their bed for their desk. Be okay with a different output than normal. It's expected. Allow them to work when it's best for them as long as they're reasonably available when needed and respond in a timely way.
• Listen for clues that your team needs help. Read between the lines. Are they quiet? Are they trying to clue you in to something? Are they using words like bored, lonely, tired? These can be indicators that you need to engage personally. Make a phone call. Set up a facetime coffee chat. 

The heart of this is really one thing and it goes back to the first thing. People over profits. That's not to say the profits don't matter. Of course they matter. But, taking care of the people will ultimately help you take care of the profits (or the program you're managing). You are your team's leader. You don't have to be the CEO to be the leader. You might be an executive or you might be a middle manager -  it doesn't matter. Your leaders may be dropping the ball, but you don't have to. During this pandemic, true leaders will rise to the occasion and make sure their team feels supported and cared for. This will take intention and may require more creativity than what you've done in the past. And when we all get "back to normal" or our new normal, your team will thank you and I believe your organization and leadership will be stronger than ever.

Reflections During a Pandemic

I don't know about you, but I've basically been home since March 17th (as I recall). That was the day our country/state/city began to recognize what was happening with COVID-19 - the coronavirus. It had really begun to be clear on the Friday before but it took our office a day or so to make the decision to limit office attendance.

And so, now it's Easter Weekend - April 11th. My emotions have darted all over the place. As the government imposed more and more restrictions, as death tolls began to climb, as more and more tested positive with the virus - including people I know - the nearer and nearer the danger seemed.

In the beginning, I joked that my health is strong and I'd like to sign up for an 11 day Mediterranean Cruise for $798. That was before - before it all seemed real, before we were talking about being carriers of the virus and infecting others unknowingly. We were simply sent home and charged with serving 1 day a week at the office to monitor phones and take care of things that aren't so easy to do at home as our files are confidential. We expected to be home about 2 weeks and then we'd "return to normal". Isn't that what we all thought?

We took a little family trip and gathered with others who had drastically limited their contact with others. We sprayed down every inch of our hotel room with fabric disinfectant and wiped every surface with disinfectant wipes. The hotel no longer offered daily housekeeping so no one else entered the room during one's stay. We avoided restaurants and stores along the way. When our granddaughter (and grandmom) needed to potty along the way, I wiped down all surfaces with disinfectant wipes and of course, we'd already been following proper handwashing procedures for a couple of weeks.

Then we were home, but not at "shelter in place" status. We gathered with one child's family at an ice cream shop and took our camp chairs which we set up in the green area in the parking lot. That was nice. I picked up my granddaughter who was learning to walk, but no snuggly kisses and lots of hand sanitizer (new norm).

Grocery shopping has been another whole thing. I've resisted buying large quantities of anything due to the limited availability of items and a desire to avoid hoarding. Great idea except it seems others are hoarding and they may have been right as now we're strongly encouraged not to go anywhere especially grocery stores. (Kind of wish I'd hoarded a little more.) Here's our recent grocery shopping method:

1. Limit frequency.
2. Sanitize hands before going in.
3. Carry sanitizing wipes and sanitize cart myself (no matter what the store is doing).
4. Don face mask.
5. Limit touching things. Don't be like the lady climbing all over the refrigerator to get the cream on the very top and back, no gloves, no mask, grabbing another cream (that she didn't want) to knock over the ones in the back with, presumably later expiration dates. Note: there were only 4 creams in the fridge anyway. (Pardon me while I roll my eyes and glare at you!)
6. Anticipate shutdowns, restocking delays and buy (a little) more.
7. Go to a tiny grocery  - they have everything in stock, even flour, yeast and frozen vegetables.
8. Wipe card reader with sanitizing wipe before use.
9. Take groceries to car myself.
10. Sanitize hands.
11. Remove mask.
12. Sanitize hands and steering wheel. 
13. Cry a little because who expected all this.
14. Unpack groceries - putting away just the cold stuff because you're too worn out from the stress of being around other people who don't seem to respect the advice of medical professionals. 
15. Maybe cry a little more.
16. Spend a little time in prayer and giving thanks for what you have.
17. Put on some lotion.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. And now, it's Easter weekend. I've suggested to the kids that we Zoom during our virtual worship service so that we can sing and pray together. The babies might be loud but that's okay. (Reminder to self: Have hubs hook Chromecast back up so you can watch on big screen vs laptop.) My Easter lunch will be for we two not my normal crowd. You may wonder why we're not making an exception since "we're all quarantined". First of all, we're not all quarantined. Not really, just mostly. One child is a police officer and is still reporting for duty - though his doesn't require much contact. His wife works for the court and still has to report a couple of days a week. My husband and I have still made the occasional grocery store trip. My husband still has to go to work some and even though everyone is social distancing, contamination risks are still possible. So, yes, we could probably safely gather. But should we? We've decided no.

As I've processed that decision, I've also been reminded of friends whose grandchildren are far away and they couldn't have gathered anyway. In fact, most of our military years, we weren't home for many holidays (and my kids grandparents had to get by - we can too). Also, if one got sick because I had to have my time with them, I don't know if I could stand it. 

I feel as though we have been very conscientious. We've greatly reduced our in person interaction with everyone. When I dropped off Easter goodie bags to my kids, we didn't go inside. We didn't pick up the grands. We stood back and talked for a couple of minutes then left. And, we sanitized our hands before and after. 

I realize it's totally imperfect. I also realize you may do things differently. Maybe you're more restrictive, maybe less. Maybe your family has really, truly isolated themselves and can gather knowing for sure you've not been around anyone. I don't feel that sure and so we're not. It's that simple. 

But here's the thing. No matter whether we're physically together or not, Jesus is alive and we will celebrate His resurrection. We will  worship in spirit and truth. We will look forward to the time when we can gather again and gather we will! 

My tears have come in short bursts and I've allowed them. I've also spent time reflecting on good things. Joyful things! True things! I've prayed and asked God for all kinds of help for those in need. And I've given thanks for our many, many blessings. And in that, just as promised in Philippians 4:6-8, I've found peace. Peace that surpasses my understanding. And don't forget what Jesus says about worrying (Matthew 6).

Why Resolutions May Be Harmful to You

The rush of resolution-making is mostly over now that the calendar has flipped from Dec to Jan. But I fear that many are beating themselves up over it. I bet a lot of people reading this didn’t even make a resolution or choose a word or Bible verse or goal for the year and therefore, are admonishing themselves for not even doing that. After all, that’s what we’re supposed to do before a new year rolls over, right? I mean, if we’re serious about being a good person – a diligent person – a committed person for crying out loud. That’s what we do! And if we don’t, well, we don’t deserve the results anyway.

At least that’s what we (and everyone around us, it seems) are telling ourselves. Well, I’m here to set you free, sister! Resolutions may actually be bad for you. Resolutions set you up for a year of shaming and self-abuse that actually move you farther from your goals than ever. My coaching mentor, Sean Smith, just wrote a great piece about this topic and I’m just jumping on the band wagon because I want you to hear it. Resolutions don’t work. They’re just a way of telling yourself how you’re not good enough and reinforce old programming – the very programming you need to free yourself from in order to reach the goals and be who you are made to be! (Gah! This is what I call some deep kimchi.)

Last January, for the first time that I know of, I changed my way of thinking of goals. I had zero specific goals and rather (accidentally?) established a focus for the year that totally embodies what Sean talks about – although my words were different. I declared the new year to be “The Year of Me” and before you jump on my worldly, selfish verbiage, it was just the right thing. I have a rather long story about what I’d been through the year before and why I needed to focus on myself. I wasn’t seeking anything other than to discover what I truly needed and wanted and put into practice some good, healthy routines that would help me take care of myself. In Sean’s words, I embarked on loving and understanding myself. Period. And then I chose a word for the year that I felt was important to focus on: blessed.

In “The Year of Me”, I:

·         Spent more time in God’s word

·         Sat by the lake (a lot!)

·         Wrote poems and blogs

·         Took better care of my body by eating “delicious, nutritious food”

·         Gave myself permission to prioritize myself enough to go back to college

·         Immersed myself in my studies - happily

·         Said “Goodbye” to things that weren’t good for me or I them

·         Celebrated personal achievements

·         (Mostly) stopped criticizing my body

·         Learned to halt my negative self-talk and speak positive truth

·         Said “no” more often - even to "good things"

·         Memorized Psalm 139 which helped me see how special I am to God …

·         And Psalm 23 which helped me see how God, the ultimate Shepherd, cares for me and provides for me

These are some of the highlights. Learning to love myself more the way God loves me, I also reaped some benefits that are more like things we set up as goals.  I:

•   relinquished excess weight
• spent more time with family
• developed a more positive head talk
• grew in my relationship with God 
• started a new business 
• found more quiet time
• made new friends
• enriched my marriage

The thing is when we love and understand ourselves, we prioritize differently. We care for ourselves differently. We don’t need willpower. We can override negative programming. We are surer of our decisions and paths. And – we are freer to enjoy the life we have.

Do I ever fall back into old habits and programming? Sure, I do. BUT – that’s not the norm. I don’t spend time trying to silence my inner longings but rather try to understand them. And just a simple (not so simple) example to help you see what I mean – when I find myself craving food x, I’m more likely to seek to understand why I want it and what I’m actually craving (Peace? Control? A hug? Family time?). It’s a process.

Now, to be clear, I’m not anti-goals. But if you’re setting resolutions for things you’ve had a hard time achieving before that you believe you should be doing that somehow would define you as a good person or a successful person or a committed, valuable person, you may be setting yourself up for a painful defeat that results in more self-abuse and shame and guilt and stories of how you never do what you say you’re going to do and what a slacker you are. And that never, ever leads to true success. You, my friend, are “fearfully and wonderfully made” – a work of the Most High. Maybe you want to consider having 2 goals (Sean Smith) 1. Love 2. Understand – others, yourself, God, not necessarily in that order.

My word for the year is simple: BLOOM. My goals are to do things that help that process.

Well, that didn't go as planned!

Not every morning is perfect and cozy with everything going just to plan. Some mornings I jump on Facebook first – because I forgot to log off last night and notifications are glaring at me, demanding my attention. Some mornings I find myself off-track and out of kilter, catawampus. Today is that day.

There is nothing wrong. I’m not late or behind on anything. I just feel it. Off. I have certain things I do each morning and usually in a certain order. That gives me predictability and, to be honest, a sense of pride. I can brag about how forward-thinking and strategic I am. But I’m not.

I’m not one of those people who often laments the beast called “Facebook”. Nope. I like it. I enjoy the conversations and the pictures. I don’t care if everything is glamorized and filtered. It’s like an endless magazine to me – only I actually know these people.

Today, I heard my inner voice give its warning and I flat out ignored it. I checked my FB messages and then looked for my FB notifications and then started scrolling … And time passes. I use the excuse that my journal is full, so I can’t do that part of my routine. And I ignore the Bible sitting on top of the journal, postponing the reading for the day. And I sip my already cold coffee. And I consider writing. And I check my school grades again, even though I know everything is graded. By this time, my granddaughter is up and getting ready to leave. I immerse myself in that process because I love it. And now they’re gone.

It’s me, a cat, a dog, and a fresh cup of coffee. And thoughts. Thoughts of imperfection. Thoughts of my day. Thoughts of how easy it is to get off-track, off-plan, off-kilter. Any of us can be one micro decision away from derailing our best intentions. I’m no exception.

There’s good news though. At any point, we can make a new decision. We can reclaim our plan. We can turn from what we are doing to what we think we should be doing or what we want to want even if we don’t actually want it yet. We can take responsibility for where we are and the choices we’re making and when we do, we empower ourselves to choose differently. *raises both hands in praise*

How often are we victimized by our own choices? How often are we blaming our circumstance on things that we fully control. I’m a life coach – I’m just going to say it – Take responsibility and change what you can. Stop the blame game – it doesn’t serve you or anyone else. Every big blunder is a series of micro indiscretions. We have the ability to influence how our day goes and we need to stop blaming God and others for the choices we’re making. Whew! I feel better! I’ve been needing to hear that! How about you?

Oh Yes You Can!

Let me get right to the point this morning. How long are you going to stay where you are, doing what you’re doing and refusing to change? There. I said it. I asked the real question. The one that gnaws at me in my own soul. How long are you going to complain about not getting results you didn’t work for? How long are you going to accept a mediocre version of yourself and pretend that it’s the best you can give.

Hold on! That last one really pricks. It stings. It smacks at the hardcore unvarnished truth. Well, now. I didn’t expect to go that deep that fast.

Listen, if I don’t tell it to you straight, I’m not doing you any good. If you’re going to shut me out every time I speak up, why am I even here? In fact, if you’re going to complain and whine about all of my [awesome] suggestions, I’m going to quit helping you.  I’m going to shut up. I’m going to quit telling you the truth and let you see how long you’ll stay happy swimming in your mediocre muck!

Soul Food

Whoo, boy! That cuts, doesn’t it? Sharp, sharp words. Mean and nasty – and oh, so true! Like you, like your friends and neighbors, I’m a master at self-victimization. Only thing is, I don’t call it that. I call it “doing the best I can” or “that’s just how I am” or “the stars weren’t aligned, it wasn’t God’s will, I can’t help it”. But the truth is, I’m allowing it and worse than that, I’m causing it. And so are you.

Every time we blame others or circumstances for our situation, we victimize ourselves. Every time we deny our ability to change, we surrender the power we have over the situation and label ourselves as helpless. Just because we use euphemisms to describe it doesn’t mean we’re not doing it. Let’s get real about it.

The thing is – I don’t think we need to blame anyone.  And that means ourselves, too. Blaming and accusing isn’t great material for growth. I say, let’s just acknowledge our position of power. Let’s reclaim our personal choice in the matters that matter. There are tons of things we cannot control in a day, for sure. But, my question is, what are we doing about the ones we can control?

My health food.

•                 What are we putting in our mouths?
•                 How and when are we strengthening our bodies?
•                 When are we going to bed, getting up, feeding our souls?
•                 How much time are we spending on social media, watching junk t.v., reading meaningless material, texting instead of talking, while we complain that we don’t make enough money, have meaningful relationships, weigh what we want, have any energy?

This isn’t sexy to talk about – I know it. But my friend, if we don’t face up to how we’re sabotaging our hopes and dreams, we will keep riding the hamster wheel that’s taking us nowhere. Encouragement is not patting someone, even yourself, on the head and saying “You did the best you could. You’re all you can be. You can’t help it.” No. Real encouragement is saying, “Put on your shoes and let’s run this race together! You can do more than you think. You are worth another shot. God loves you and so do I!”. Real encouragement calls a brother or sister up alongside. Real encouragement is laced with tons of belief in a person’s ability to rise above their circumstance.

I’m not here to tell you that you don’t need God. In fact, I’m not even here to tell you that you don’t face some real challenges. But I am here to challenge you to take responsibility for your say so in the matter. I’m here to challenge you to consider how you might do things differently if you’re not getting the results you want. I’m issuing a call to CHANGE.

Urgent or important?

I believe God is in control of our ultimate destiny. The Bible says, “A man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps” (paraphrased, Proverbs 16:9). And I personally believe in seeking God and His will for our lives. I also believe that we make many decisions each day that play a part in how we travel this life. I’m suggesting here that we might benefit from taking an honest look at our choices day in and day out and reckon with their impact on our current situation. This is what I mean when I say we need to take our power back and stop putting ourselves in the role of victim.

Consider some things:

•                 Who are you hanging around and do they encourage you to grow - by their words, by their own choices? Are they of excellent character? (Can you love them without spending tons of time around them if they’re not?)
•                 How do you run your day? Are you in control of your time? Are you making time for what’s truly important or simply chasing after the urgent all day?
•                 What are you putting in your brain? Do you read uplifting, intellectual things? Is your thought life driven by trashy books, disparaging comedy/music, the news, your social media feed – to name a few that I judge as draining, depleting?
•                 Are you feeding your soul intentionally?
•                 Are you finding your feel-good moments in ways that do not serve you? (Food, alcohol, drugs, porn, egomania)
•                 Are you satisfied with being less than you believe you were created to be?

What change are you resisting that you know would help you? We are afraid of change. I get it. If we change, others may not accept us. If we change, everything will be different. If we change we can never do x, y or z again – or so we fear.  I only know who I am now. How can I be something else? I get that.

Here’s an idea. What if you stop trying to do all the right things and you concentrated on who you want to be? I decided I want to be healthy. That changed some choices for me. I decided I want to be in full integrity with myself and that led to me changing some disingenuous behavior. I decided I want to be more in tune with God and so I began to create more time for time in the Word and prayer. I decided I wanted to be a more powerful person for myself and others and so I began to change and adopt some habits that are more in alignment with that desire.

My friend. You have more control than you think. You, like me, are making choices day in and day out that are impacting your place in life. I personally don’t know anyone who can’t improve in some area or another so trust me, I’m not putting you down. My goal is to help you look up and decide to pick yourself up. Come on now. You can do it.

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What is This Life Coaching Thing Anyway? (and Why I Have a Coach)

Life Coaching – fastest growing and maybe most misunderstood profession. We’ve talked about this. You can read my other blog here. I think people want to know though. They want to get what life coaching looks like and are curious if a life coach could help them. You may be curious if life coaching could help you.

Answer: It depends. It depends on so much.

Things that affect the success of Life Coaching:

                Rapport – Do you mesh with your life coach? This is so key that actual studies have been done on it. Let me sum it up this way: no rapport, virtually no success. You may find some victory without rapport, but I wouldn’t count on it. In fact, rapport can bring success even when the coach lacks skills. Rapport is the magic juice of coaching, in my humble opinion. The fairy dust. Rapport keeps you engaged with your coach, allows your coach to speak frankly with you, cuts through the muck and mire to find out what’s really going on.

                Trust – A little different than rapport but no less important. Trust gives you security and is based on the reliability of the coach. It allows you to explore areas that you’ve been hiding from yourself, speak the truth, know your coach will maintain confidentiality, and bring their best to the conversation, looking out for your best.

                Willingness to change – If you’re unwilling to change, well, nothing will change. That’s not completely true. Some things may change but they’ll be externally charged. A willingness to change puts you in the driver’s seat and helps you realize new victories and experiences.

                Vulnerability – With good rapport and trust, you feel secure in being vulnerable with your coach. When you’re willing to be vulnerable, you avail yourself to deeper coaching and, in my opinion, faster results.

                Transparency – Similar to vulnerability, but I’m putting this one on the coach. A coach shouldn’t be pouring their hearts out to their clients, but that doesn’t mean they should act inhuman. A transparent coach increases trust and rapport. Transparency helps the client feel understood and not so alone in their struggles.

Coaching can be understood by comparing it to counseling. Counseling primarily deals with the past and how it’s affecting the client today. As a result, counseling works a lot on past stories and events. In counseling, the counselor acts as an expert and advises the client/patient. Coaching is focused on the future. Coaches may explore your past, but it’s as you bring up things that are relevant to your goals, keeping you stuck. Coaches help release the hold past events have on you and help you see ways to operate beyond that story. Note: this is a very simplistic definition and is not intended to elevate one profession over the other. Coaches are not acting as the expert on a subject as much as a helper or ally. In coaching, the client sets the pace, determines their goals and how to measure them. The differences may be cloudy at times and certainly there are similarities, still they remain separate.

Do coaches have coaches?

Yes, though not always. Coaches may believe they don’t need a personal coach, but I can’t see how this serves clients best. Everyone has blind spots. Everyone has weaknesses. Everyone needs to be challenged at times in order to reach their potential, even highly motivated individuals. A coach can bring a much sharper game when they themselves are coached. As a coach, I can be just as easily caught up in limiting beliefs, fears, and small thinking as anyone. By submitting myself for coaching, I have help examining these issues so that each week I’m bringing my clients the best me possible at that time. (See how I’m being transparent here? I don’t have all the answers.)

Some things I’ve heard from my coach(es):

                I hear defiance.

I don’t think I’m being defiant.

                Have you tried centered breathing?

Nope. Haven’t specifically heard of it.

                Let’s go through a total truth letter.

Oh, boy! *feels nervous*

                Why are you judging that?

Didn’t realize I was.

                What are you pretending not to know?

Ummmm – huh?

One of my clients wrote an article about her coaching experience recently. She said that I “help her untie the brain knots”. I think that’s an excellent description of the coaching experience. I’m the other ears, the other eyes. I have a different perspective – and you’re safe with me.

Coaching By Stephanie

                               

Life Coach Comes Out of the Closet

What the heck is a life coach?! I know I’ve asked that question numerous times in the past with thoughts of Paris (Gilmore Girls reference) not being able to make a decision without consulting her life coach. Ugh. I felt for sure this was a wimpy deal for wimpy people. Maybe you can relate. I thought life coaches were expensive hand-holders for the weak. 

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

When I started getting business advice and support, I was trying to reach some goals and stumbled across a training video, then took some classes that addressed my concerns … and had no idea whatsoever that I was engaged in life coaching. Thank goodness! I might have run away and missed out all due to ignorance.

That was 2 or 3 years ago. Through group coaching, I made great strides in my business, learned more about people and started examining my beliefs and thought processes. Eventually, I hired a private coach. With my own coach, we were able to dig into my specific issues and address them. Limiting beliefs, desperate behavior, time issues, resistance. I remember one specific encounter: My mom had just died and I was at her home sorting through the years of life spent at that particular address (and many years of accumulated things in the attic). I had a coaching call scheduled and decided to keep the appointment. I remember sitting in the car, having this conversation on my Bluetooth and crying. I don’t remember any actual coaching having taken place, but I do remember having a place to let things out and being able to trust the person on the other end of the phone to handle it.

Since that time, I have become a certified life coach. Added to that, I’m finishing my degree studying life coaching and counseling (added to the tons of business study already completed years ago). 

Here’s what I now know about life coaching. Life coaching helps strong people get stronger. Life coaching is for the brave - it digs into your soul if you let it. Life coaching is for people who are tired of living as victims. Life coaching is for people who are willing to do the work to change, to improve, to look at themselves honestly.  If you choose to have a life coach, you're making a decision to grow beyond what you can do on your own. 

Life coaching

• Fastest growing helping profession
• Helps people reach goals
• Future focused - but can deal with the past as needed
• Offers a perspective you don’t have
• Directed by the client
• Are allies
• Encourage others to walk alongside of them (like a Biblical encourager)
• Provides an ear
• Helps with time management, weight management, emotion management, business management
• Is not counseling
• Goes at your pace
• Is confidential
• Calls you on your stuff
• Provides an outlet
• Can help release pent up anger, pain, fear

Try not to judge my grammar, o.k.? 

So, if you’re wondering… 

I am a life coach. I help others deal with their life issues and move forward to an improved future. I am here to serve others – to serve you. I help you uncover things you already know – like the answers to your problems. God gifted me with the gift of exhortation (or encouragement) and that gift calls you up to walk alongside of me. I'm a helper.  I’m not able to lead everyone. Some of you are ahead of me. But, I’m able to lead some, encourage some, help some and I’m passionate about it. God used life coaching in my life to free me from years of self-abuse. If he can use me to help someone else, I’m willing.

It’s scary sometimes

Sometimes I worry whether or not I’m good enough, smart enough, talented enough for what I do or feel called to. I’m afraid I’ll let you down. But when I pause and reflect on that, I know better. God has equipped me perfectly for the things He has planned for me to do. I’m not on my own. In my weakness, He is strong.

Sometimes I have to go out on a limb and risk things, events (or me) failing. But you know what? It’s worth it. Maybe I will fail at some of the things I try … but maybe I'll succeed at some. Maybe no one will listen … but maybe someone will. Maybe I can’t help everyone (I’m sure I cannot), but maybe I can help one.

It’s an honor, a trust and a great privilege

I carry a big responsibility. That anyone would trust me is extremely humbling and I acknowledge it’s a privilege to be trusted this way. I’m so honored. The responsibility of it all keeps me studying, learning, growing – working on myself so I can be the best version of me for you and the others I serve. Truthfully, it keeps me right at the feet of Jesus, listening, observing, learning.

Pray for me

Pray for me, please, as I follow what I believe God has called and equipped me to do. It’s why I write these blogs. It’s why I chose my course of study in college. And trust me, not everyone is humble or wise in this field. I need discernment about who I train under and what I read. I could use prayer in those areas, let alone prayer as I help carry others’ burdens. Thank you for honoring me this way. <3

I’ve tip-toed around being public about this – hinting, implying, but rarely flat out saying it. I’m done with that. It’s not about me and never has been. I cannot hide and sneak around and be available to serve at the same time. So, here I am – out of the closet, so to speak – humbled, grateful, ready and willing. I am here, Lord. Send me.

Gaining Balance

Have you ever felt like your life was out of balance? Out of sync? How did that make you feel? Irritated? Critical? Anxious? I’ve felt that. And I’ve come out of that into a sense of calm – you probably want to know how.

1.       I spent a year focusing on learning to listen. For the past few years I’ve prayed about and decided upon a one-word focus for the year. Yes, it’s a trendy thing to do, but I could see value in it and I’ve found that it helps me make decisions about how I spend my time and energy. Anyway, last year I chose listen. I wanted to make time and space to listen to God and others and even myself.

2.       I became a deliberate joy seeker. I made a point of looking for joy in all of my circumstances. This past year I had my share of sadness and pain, but still I employed the tactic of seeking joy in my strife, joy in work, joy in my relationships, joy, joy, joy! In fact, I spent a fair amount of time recording the joy I found in each day.  This reminded me that God had not forgotten me in my darkest times. It helped cement the awareness that joy doesn’t actually mean happiness or happy circumstances. Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5b

3.        I practiced (and still do) thanksgiving. Learning to recognize the gifts of each day and extend thanks for them can do wonders for contentment. I am bent toward a complaining demeanor. Giving thanks in all things helps keep me from that (more than not). It also helps keep worry at bay. Let’s hear it for less worry! Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:6-7

4.       I became self-focused. OK, I know that may not sound very Christian to you, so let me explain it. I read a quote where a speaker said to draw a circle around yourself and ask God to change the person in it as a means to starting a spiritual revival. I stopped focusing on everyone else’s flaws (as much) and asked God to change my heart, forgive my sin. I have to get the log out of my own eye. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own? Matthew 7:3

5.       I started relinquishing things that no longer fit. As God changed the person in the circle, some things just didn’t seem to fit anymore. I had to let go of some things, make some changes, in order to embrace the new things that God had planned for me. This is harder than it seems! We like familiar, comfortable things. But they are false security. Familiar doesn’t mean best for you. I had to put my trust in Jesus and follow Him to new things, new places.

I don’t know if these steps are the right ones for you. I just know that following them has helped me regain my balance and reduce anxiety. Focusing on myself and God’s Word has helped me be less critical of others’ shortcomings, less prideful. I won’t tell you I have it all figured out.  I’m just saying things are clearer than they’ve been in a while. Maybe my plank is smaller.

I am guilty.

Yesterday, I read a post that spoke of the hurt a loved one is feeling due to the public words of another. I don’t know the details. I don’t need to. I know how it goes. We get on the internet or alone with a close friend or in a text conversation and we say things about people we would never say to their face. And we think God can’t see and we rationalize our behavior and leave a mess in our wake as we walk away. And I’m guilty.

It wasn’t that long ago that I stood in the very presence of this person and complained about a situation and said unflattering things about someone else. Lord, forgive me. I have thought and thought about that scene and regretted what I did but I didn’t see my guilt. Maybe that’s not true, I saw my guilt and tried to dodge it, ignore it. And of course, I continue in my own self-righteous behavior, speaking good and evil out of my mouth and acting like it’s o.k.

As I understand the events that led to yesterday’s post, the person who did the offending is a Christian – you know, a person like me – someone who professes to love the Lord – and yet, is not only behaving in a way that is most unlike the Lord, I’m just gonna guess that – like me – he/she used their love for God to justify their behavior. #guilty

I am learning that in every situation, there is a lesson, a blessing or a gift – My friend, Diane, taught me that. So, in prayer this morning I started asking God to show my beloved family the lesson, the blessing or the gift in this ugly. Right now, there is pain and I’m not here to tell anyone they can’t hurt when painful things are done to them/you. I’m just saying God can still work and bless, teach, give good things. He makes all things beautiful.

One thing I realized immediately in their post is my own guilt. Now, let me try to make myself feel a little better and impress you a little… sigh … I genuinely try not to publicly bash anyone. Even those with whom I completely disagree. (And I take  pride in that.) *** Standing on this “ground” is completely unstable.*** There is ***zero merit*** in believing that makes me good or better – because, in private, in my pride, I fail. I sin. I am guilty.

Here’s what I think. I think that if my family knew that their pain (and public mention of it) led another to repentance, they would embrace it. I know them well enough. I believe this to be absolutely true. They wouldn’t like what happened, but they would thank God for it all the same. So, I write this. Maybe they’ll see how my own heart was impacted. And I fervently pray that others will be moved by their post, or by mine or by others, to repent. I pray that many will see their wrong and turn from their prideful, smug, sinful behavior and choose love instead. Choose kindness. Choose to honor God and others with their tongue. And, you know, there is a way to disagree, to state your beliefs without sin, without flinging flaming arrows at your brothers and sisters. Choose that way. I’m going to work on that starting right now.

Lord, I am guilty. I have hurt my brothers and sisters in the “name of Christ”. I am wrong. Please forgive me and show me a better way. Please remind me of this moment in the future when I am tempted to criticize. I am human but you call me to be like Christ. And, Lord, please heal the hurts of these who serve you so faithfully. May they see the good you can bring from the pain.  

NOTE: There is a lot on this subject in the Bible. You might try asking Google what the Bible says about gossip, how we are to talk as Christians, what does repent mean. 

Eating Emotions

I’ve been thinking about emotional eating this morning. Now, if you’re like me, you may acknowledge that you are emotional/stress eater, but you may have mixed feelings about changing that situation. Oh, you want things to be different, but you don’t (I don’t) want to actually change. Ouch. I went right there. Right to the heart of the matter. You may feel a little ticked at me right now and may be forming an argument, but remember, I’m talking to myself as much as to you, if even to you.  Maybe it’s just me (but I don’t think so).

We – you and I – would like to be free of the negative side effects of emotional eating, mainly the weight gain, but truth be told, it also feels good. Yes, I know I’m telling the secrets. I know I’m openly admitting things that people like you and me hide from others. Can you be brave with me and look at it for a few minutes. I’ll stand here with you.

What I know to be true is that emotional eating is not so different from alcoholism. It’s just another type of substance. And, the thing is, no one really talks about the truth of emotional eating (and other substance abuse) – it feels good. It doesn’t just numb pain, it actually releases feel good sensations in the body. It has a calming effect.

I think something else is happening with emotional eating. As we stuff things into our body – and I know for me, it can feel very frantic in the moment – we are actually stuffing in emotions that we don’t want to face or deal with at the time, or even at all. We want to feel good and deny these feel bad emotions so we stuff them in. Maybe we don’t feel we have a right to feel stressed or then again, maybe we’re afraid that if we let the emotions surface we won’t be able to stop them. I know that kind of pain, maybe you do, too. So, we use food to trick ourselves into feeling good for a little while.

 

Something I’ve noticed is that society (me, you, we) use the term “emotional eater” to stifle conversation around our behavior and size, leaving others to go “O.K., she knows what’s happening,” and get off our backs. We do this “brave thing” of acknowledging our behavior – or so we think. Now we wouldn’t accept that from an alcoholic or drug abuse. We’d be all “There’s help for that”. But emotional eating doesn’t seem as “bad” or dangerous as alcohol or drug abuse.

Here's what I’m going to suggest. What if you (I) let yourself feel the stress, express the frustration and anger, allow it to surface? Oh, yes, I know how scary that can be, but what if you could find the source, the pain and just deal with it straight on instead of letting it control you? What if you took back your power instead of letting these emotions and unresolved issues control you? It’s not wrong to be angry or sad or hurt. No one said you have to be happy all the time – and if they did, they’re wrong.

Sister, brother, there is so much freedom on the other side of the fence. There are new experiences, new highs, new lows, too. It won’t feel perfect all the time and you may have to buy some Kleenex, but there is help and hope. Eating food, packing on extra weight, hiding doesn’t help in the end. It’s a false sense of better. It tricks you into thinking you’re “o.k.” and denies you the help you need.

Facing my inner critic, voices of my past, reminding myself of God’s love for me, and crying a puddle

of healing tears all have helped me in the quest to overcome emotional eating. Sometimes, I find myself back in my old ways and recognize I’m not “done” yet. I still have things to face and things to learn. And that’s o.k. My life isn’t perfect, but in my authentic (sometimes sad) self I have a lot more happiness than I ever pretended to have.

My mission today is to allow myself to feel things that don’t feel good. I’m granting myself permission to sit with anxiety a bit instead of grabbing something to numb the irritations. I’m going to remind myself that I’m safe and loved. I will feel my emotions, but I won’t let them rule me. I have a new loving place to dwell. Will you join me?