Well, that didn't go as planned!

Not every morning is perfect and cozy with everything going just to plan. Some mornings I jump on Facebook first – because I forgot to log off last night and notifications are glaring at me, demanding my attention. Some mornings I find myself off-track and out of kilter, catawampus. Today is that day.

There is nothing wrong. I’m not late or behind on anything. I just feel it. Off. I have certain things I do each morning and usually in a certain order. That gives me predictability and, to be honest, a sense of pride. I can brag about how forward-thinking and strategic I am. But I’m not.

I’m not one of those people who often laments the beast called “Facebook”. Nope. I like it. I enjoy the conversations and the pictures. I don’t care if everything is glamorized and filtered. It’s like an endless magazine to me – only I actually know these people.

Today, I heard my inner voice give its warning and I flat out ignored it. I checked my FB messages and then looked for my FB notifications and then started scrolling … And time passes. I use the excuse that my journal is full, so I can’t do that part of my routine. And I ignore the Bible sitting on top of the journal, postponing the reading for the day. And I sip my already cold coffee. And I consider writing. And I check my school grades again, even though I know everything is graded. By this time, my granddaughter is up and getting ready to leave. I immerse myself in that process because I love it. And now they’re gone.

It’s me, a cat, a dog, and a fresh cup of coffee. And thoughts. Thoughts of imperfection. Thoughts of my day. Thoughts of how easy it is to get off-track, off-plan, off-kilter. Any of us can be one micro decision away from derailing our best intentions. I’m no exception.

There’s good news though. At any point, we can make a new decision. We can reclaim our plan. We can turn from what we are doing to what we think we should be doing or what we want to want even if we don’t actually want it yet. We can take responsibility for where we are and the choices we’re making and when we do, we empower ourselves to choose differently. *raises both hands in praise*

How often are we victimized by our own choices? How often are we blaming our circumstance on things that we fully control. I’m a life coach – I’m just going to say it – Take responsibility and change what you can. Stop the blame game – it doesn’t serve you or anyone else. Every big blunder is a series of micro indiscretions. We have the ability to influence how our day goes and we need to stop blaming God and others for the choices we’re making. Whew! I feel better! I’ve been needing to hear that! How about you?

Can you picture it? The perfect Hallmark Christmas? Fire blazing, carols playing, lovers kissing. There are cookies being made, lights strung, cider brewing. The mood is cozy. The air is cold, but not too cold. We used to call it a Norman Rockwell scene but maybe the younger folk wouldn’t know who that is so now we talk about the perfect scene as being the kind in a Hallmark movie (or a card).

Recently, someone referred to my home as being the perfect backdrop for a Hallmark movie. No! Not mine. I mean thank you and all, but seriously, it’s not. But, I get it. It looked perfect – at least for a couple of hours.  It’s just that that isn’t real life. It’s the thing we create to keep our reputation intact and help others feel welcomed. Truth be told, I love doing it. I love having all the mess put away and creating beautiful scenes. I think it puts a little magic in the world and I always appreciate it when others do it for me. However, I don’t remember that they hid their mail stacks (like I did). I assume they don’t have kitchen counter clutter (like I do). And I compare myself against them.

No one but my husband (and maybe a couple of my kids in earshot) know it, but recently (Saturday), I cried to my husband that I never feel good enough, smart enough, Christian enough when compared against his family. And let me tell you, those thoughts do not come from them – they are all mine and they’re rooted in my own insecurities. I was fighting the perfectionism demon that I preach about all the time. And I was losing – because I know the truth.

In case you’re comparing your real life to my Instagram (like I do with people I think are near perfect), I have some things to share with you.

One of the little girls here was trying feverishly to get down and only perked up when offered the bribe of some t.v. time. 

I fought sugar woes all weekend and made myself sick Saturday night eating things I don't normally eat (and way too much of it). This is my get-back-to-healthy meal. And it wasn't as easy as it looks. I still ate "off-plan" things Sunday even though I felt so bad Saturday.

These little gingerbread houses were a pain in the butt to build ahead of time. I was hard-headed about it because I wanted the Hallmark kind of Christmas party. (It was worth it, though. Look at those smiles!)

This awesome HOCHO bar with Starbucks looks impressive. However, STBX mix requires milk not water. Beware! We had to make an extra trip to buy milk, remember to heat milk and still failed to keep it stocked during the party. 

My daughter and I had our own little Hallmark moment Sunday assembling some more Gingerbread houses. The guys didn't want to join in (football). Mine kept collapsing. I almost had to wash my mouth out with soap. 

This morning I hid the snack mix in the basket with the lid. The lid had been covering our junk that's normally spread on the counter.

 This table has been askew since the party and I don't really care. I only have to be "perfect" when others are looking.

This window - the same one I took pictures through at the party (when the sun was in a different position) - is filthy. So is the one beside it. Odds are it will stay that way.

And guess what. I forgot to put out the cider!

Crying Over Scrambled Eggs

This morning was a pretty normal morning for me – up about 5:30, coffee x2, cozy blanket, journal, Bible – that’s how it goes. I have leisurely mornings with focused activity. I get up early to allow time to take my time if you know what I mean. After my thoughtful time, I got up – as usual – and made my breakfast. This morning I planned scrambled eggs. Sometimes, I have hard-boiled eggs, just to change it up a bit. But today the plan was scrambled eggs and a half of an apple, sliced. Simple. I heated the skillet, spritzed in some coconut oil and cracked my free-range eggs into the pan and began to scramble them. When they were just right, I scooped them onto a small Polish Pottery plate and went about halving then slicing my apple. I stood at the counter to gaze out the window and began to eat.

It doesn’t take too long to eat this breakfast so sitting down seemed a bit of a bother. It was just then, with my brain active and awake after being up for an hour and a half, that I realized what I was doing and what I’d been doing for so very many years. I was taking the gift – the blessing ­– of breakfast, of food, for granted. I was treating this privilege as if it was nothing.

In our home, we make it a practice to pray before most of our meals and thank God for our food. It’s very routine. In fact, it’s almost thoughtless. I’m glad that it’s such a routine that praying in a restaurant feels just as normal as praying in our home. Still, if I’m honest, it’s also such a routine that we do it too often without any real thought. We say words but don’t bother to really think about their significance.

Along these lines, I had another realization recently that relates to dieting. I often feel deprived when dieting. You, too? I look at what everyone else is having and I want to indulge, too. I don’t want to request steamed broccoli when others are having things coated in cheese and bread crumbs. Sometimes, in that state of feeling deprived, I go the other way and just order whatever I want. It’s a rebellious part of my personality that just goes for it, so to speak. When I feel deprived emotionally, I do the same thing. “Whatever!” becomes my mantra. I realized that in feeding my sense of deprivation I actually gain weight. Can you see the irony there? The collapse of logic? Clearly, I’m not actually deprived if I have choice.

This brings me back to this morning’s eggs. Those scrambled eggs may be my routine, but they are a gift. Wait for it – just like the ability to choose between steamed broccoli or broccoli casserole (or cheese dip, or a hot appetizer like everyone else) is a gift. I am blessed and if you are reading this, you are too. We actually have more than enough. We have choices. We, or at least I (and probably you), have a kitchen, pots and pans, butter, coconut oil, and utensils all at our disposal. We are not deprived. I am not deprived. And those basic, uninspired scrambled eggs? Well, they’re a blessing and as such, deserve special treatment.

 I immediately changed my course. I moved from my counter top location and went to the dining room table. I sat down and began to give heartfelt thanks for my eggs, my apple, my stove, my warm home. Scrambled eggs never tasted so good. I decided that the luxury of food – especially when it’s so easy to come by – deserves true thanksgiving and taking the time to sit down and enjoy the gift.

Now, I know myself. It won’t be long before I’ll be on to another great insight and in danger of forgetting this lesson. That’s why I’m writing it down. I want to remember. I need to be truly thankful for each blessed morsel. I don’t want to be shoving food mindlessly in my mouth anymore – at a counter top, in my car, eating in haste or mindlessly at any event. I want to honor the One who has so lavishly and abundantly provided for me. Once upon a time, God provided an abundant supply of manna and quail for His people. They weren’t grateful. They complained. How like them I have been!

Lord, thank you. Not just for the feast I have enjoyed over the past few days, but for what you provide every day. Thank you for the simple, fresh food I’m blessed to choose from. Thank you for the gift of indulgent foods that I am blessed to enjoy any time I desire. Please help me remember that I am blessed. May I not take my meals for granted. Please rebuke me if I’m found slipping back to my old ways.

The Perfection of Imperfection

Even as I write the title, I am moved by truth. Imperfection is actually perfect. It blows me away to fully consider this. I am, by far, the most imperfect person I know. I can be selfish, rude,  self-serving, and shallow - and that's the tip of the iceberg. I eat when I'm anxious, sad, happy, and mad. I laugh at inappropriate things and can cry at the drop of a hat. I know I'm not supposed to care what you think about me, but I do. I am guilty of things that would very likely surprise you. And this is where I am today - imperfect and in that is it's own perfection.

Oh, I know how it sounds to the most religious of you. Glorifying in my sin. Celebrating things that are wrong. But, oh my dear friend, that's not how it is at all. My sin breaks my heart. I would that I was different - so very often. I grow. I learn. And by the grace of God, I change. I like to think I improve - and I believe I do. I simply do not know how to be where I am except by where I've been. Those imperfections? Those flaws are part of the very reason I know Jesus and are surely evidence that I needed a savior. I could not, cannot overcome my weaknesses on my own. Frankly, I'm just too imperfect for that.

So many things are coming together in my head this morning ... realizing I feel hurt by someone taking me off of their friend list, absorbing a mind-blowing Scripture passage, facing some negative consequences of positive action (reference the unfriending part), realizing not everyone will like me or agree with me... and reckoning with that. It's o.k. It really is. You don't have to like me. You don't have to agree with me. I'm not here to please you. And that means you're not here to please me - or anyone else for that matter.

In a Perfect World 
by Stephanie Redmond, 2018

In a perfect world

We’d all be perfect.

There’d be no sin, no guilt, no shame.

There’d be no wrong and

You couldn’t be disappointed by me

Or me by you.

In a perfect world

You wouldn’t talk behind my back

Nor I behind yours.

Love would cover all

And there’d be no need

For “You hurt me”,

“I was wrong” and

“Please forgive me”.

In a perfect world

Sheep wouldn’t stray and

Shepherds would care for the one who did.

There’d be no tears, divorce, or even death.

We would love richly, worship freely, and

Live happily -

Ever after.

In a perfect world

I suppose we’d have no need for God,

Would never seek His face or

Know the power of His grace.

Thank God this world is not perfect.

What is This Life Coaching Thing Anyway? (and Why I Have a Coach)

Life Coaching – fastest growing and maybe most misunderstood profession. We’ve talked about this. You can read my other blog here. I think people want to know though. They want to get what life coaching looks like and are curious if a life coach could help them. You may be curious if life coaching could help you.

Answer: It depends. It depends on so much.

Things that affect the success of Life Coaching:

                Rapport – Do you mesh with your life coach? This is so key that actual studies have been done on it. Let me sum it up this way: no rapport, virtually no success. You may find some victory without rapport, but I wouldn’t count on it. In fact, rapport can bring success even when the coach lacks skills. Rapport is the magic juice of coaching, in my humble opinion. The fairy dust. Rapport keeps you engaged with your coach, allows your coach to speak frankly with you, cuts through the muck and mire to find out what’s really going on.

                Trust – A little different than rapport but no less important. Trust gives you security and is based on the reliability of the coach. It allows you to explore areas that you’ve been hiding from yourself, speak the truth, know your coach will maintain confidentiality, and bring their best to the conversation, looking out for your best.

                Willingness to change – If you’re unwilling to change, well, nothing will change. That’s not completely true. Some things may change but they’ll be externally charged. A willingness to change puts you in the driver’s seat and helps you realize new victories and experiences.

                Vulnerability – With good rapport and trust, you feel secure in being vulnerable with your coach. When you’re willing to be vulnerable, you avail yourself to deeper coaching and, in my opinion, faster results.

                Transparency – Similar to vulnerability, but I’m putting this one on the coach. A coach shouldn’t be pouring their hearts out to their clients, but that doesn’t mean they should act inhuman. A transparent coach increases trust and rapport. Transparency helps the client feel understood and not so alone in their struggles.

Coaching can be understood by comparing it to counseling. Counseling primarily deals with the past and how it’s affecting the client today. As a result, counseling works a lot on past stories and events. In counseling, the counselor acts as an expert and advises the client/patient. Coaching is focused on the future. Coaches may explore your past, but it’s as you bring up things that are relevant to your goals, keeping you stuck. Coaches help release the hold past events have on you and help you see ways to operate beyond that story. Note: this is a very simplistic definition and is not intended to elevate one profession over the other. Coaches are not acting as the expert on a subject as much as a helper or ally. In coaching, the client sets the pace, determines their goals and how to measure them. The differences may be cloudy at times and certainly there are similarities, still they remain separate.

Do coaches have coaches?

Yes, though not always. Coaches may believe they don’t need a personal coach, but I can’t see how this serves clients best. Everyone has blind spots. Everyone has weaknesses. Everyone needs to be challenged at times in order to reach their potential, even highly motivated individuals. A coach can bring a much sharper game when they themselves are coached. As a coach, I can be just as easily caught up in limiting beliefs, fears, and small thinking as anyone. By submitting myself for coaching, I have help examining these issues so that each week I’m bringing my clients the best me possible at that time. (See how I’m being transparent here? I don’t have all the answers.)

Some things I’ve heard from my coach(es):

                I hear defiance.

I don’t think I’m being defiant.

                Have you tried centered breathing?

Nope. Haven’t specifically heard of it.

                Let’s go through a total truth letter.

Oh, boy! *feels nervous*

                Why are you judging that?

Didn’t realize I was.

                What are you pretending not to know?

Ummmm – huh?

One of my clients wrote an article about her coaching experience recently. She said that I “help her untie the brain knots”. I think that’s an excellent description of the coaching experience. I’m the other ears, the other eyes. I have a different perspective – and you’re safe with me.

Coaching By Stephanie

                               

My (not so) super morning

Have you ever had a morning that just didn't go the way you like? I mean, that's a pretty unimaginative question. Of course you have! You're normal right? I have a great number of completely awesome mornings. I really do. I'm a morning kind of person, so that helps. I also sleep 7 - 8 hours a night and that is a definite plus. So, yeah, my mornings, as a rule, are quite lovely. I work for myself and have a pretty soft schedule most days, leaving me the luxury of moving at the pace I choose. I read, write, pray and very often make time to sit by the lake in contemplation, soaking in nature's beauty. I love mornings. . . unless they don't go my way.

Look, I'm just keeping reaaaaal. I'm a happy person in general . . . unless things don't go my way. Whoo! I might get to preaching right here. Why? Because, as far as I can tell, we all are happy when we get our way. *Note: I'm  not speaking to or diminishing depression or other psychological situations.  I'm merely addressing human nature.* I remember my mother fussing at me for not being (or showing) appreciative of the things she did for me or sacrifices she made, or just being in a bad mood over a perceived injustice. Then, when she'd  buy me something I wanted or do something special, if I did thank her and make a big deal of it, she'd admonish me for that, saying "Sure, now you're happy. You got your way." Gah! I remember wondering what she'd have me do. Talk about frustrating mixed messages! But, yes, I'm happy when things go my way and (sometimes) not so happy when they don't. That's how I felt this morning.

As far as I know, I was peacefully sleeping, fighting the occasional hot flash, when I awoke for a simple trip to the restroom. I'm 57 - these things are not unusual. It was about 3 a.m. I returned to bed as per normal and snuggled down to resume my slumber. Next thing I knew, I was checking the clock again. 3:16 a.m. ugh! Then 3:30 something. Man! Finally at 3:58, I gave it up and climbed out of bed. I figured if I wasn't going to sleep, I might as well be productive. I spent the next while somewhat grumpily reading about the development of and different philosophies surrounding Christian counseling. In the words of my husband, "If that doesn't put you to sleep, nothing will!" . I squeezed out a 30 minute snooze around 6:30 then began my day in earnest. 

Here's what I noticed. I was allowing that middle of the night awakening to set a negative tone to my day.  I complained about it on Facebook, to my husband and in my heart. I resisted acknowledging it as a gift. I failed to be thankful for the good hours of sleep I'd had between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. I didn't express sincere gratitude for the extra hours added to my day and the quiet time to read that counseling assignment. No, I griped. I haven't gone out to look at the lake either. What's up with that?

Friends, we all can act like this at times. We may face a seemingly undesirable situation and put all our focus on that, failing to see the beauty in it. I hear people say everything works out the way it should. I have resistance around that, but I know that God can use all things for good (Romans 8:28). And I know that as Christians, we are called to let our light shine before me (Matt 5:16). I don't think our light shines very brightly when we are complaining and focusing on the negative things. In that state, we become needy, snuffing out our light and often the light of those around us. 

Today I heard a song by my friend Chris Muglia that exhorts us to let Christ's light shine in us. If you've ever taken note of darkness around you, you know how badly people need light and hope. Sometimes, we put others down for advertising their happiness and the good things God is doing in their lives. We act as though all Christians are supposed to be low key, unobtrusive, unnoticeable. That's not what I see when I read Matthew 5:16 or the verses leading up to it.We are the light of the world,  a city on a hill (visible) - shining, guiding, pointing others to Christ, offering hope. 

After listening to Chris' song and meditating on Matthew 5:16 a bit, I decided to turn things around and let my light shine before me. I don't apologize for the joy I have - I want to share it. I don't write for my personal pleasure or out of desire to be recognized. I write to bring encouragement to you and others like you. I hope to ultimately show others the love of our Father in heaven and so glorify Him.

After reflection, and a little more coffee, I'm not too bothered by having risen so early. I've had a lovely, cozy morning on the couch. I've enjoyed extra time to think, meditate on God's word and engage with others on Facebook. I hope your day goes well and you can note the good things in your life. Many blessings to you this day. 

A Most Powerful Choice

There’s a conversation going on in society around the topic of not giving up. It says things like, “success lives right around the corner from I quit” and “never, never give up”. Amen! Right on! Never give up! Keep on keepin’ on! Press on! Fight to the finish! And, sometimes, this very thought process is what will keep us held back, stuck in an endless do-loop of trying so hard to be all that we think we should be.

Now, note – I said “sometimes”. It’s true that perseverance often serves us and that quitting doesn’t. It’s true that success, real success requires moving outside of the infamous comfort zone and into new, uncomfortable, even scary, territory. Success even requires failure. Requires failure! Believe me, I’m not suggesting you don’t need to persevere when things get challenging and irritating, when you find yourself failing. That, my friend, really is very often the very sign of a breakthrough. When things get tough you can celebrate moving closer to your goals – usually.

There can be a problem though. I urge you to carefully consider if you’re actually on the path that’s right for you, best for you. What if you’re hanging onto a goal that isn’t meant for you? What if getting what you think you want will keep you from finding what is best for you? What if you’re on the wrong path or have wrong motives?

Some reasons we may need to reconsider our paths:

1.   Our goals and dreams might be interfering with God’s plan. We may have a desire to achieve something that is in opposition to what God wants for us or others. God’s plans will prevail.

2.       We may be looking for security in tangible things. Our hope may be resting in something other than God. That’s an idol. Tangible things cannot satisfy the true desires of our heart.

3.       Our motives may be much more about self than others (no matter how we word it). Speaking from experience here. It’s possible to say the right things but not actually mean them – even when we think we do.

4.       We may need to learn something on another path in order to successfully walk the one we’re currently trying to manage. Think about that. You may need a temporary detour.

Here’s the thing: sometimes we recognize it’s time to move on. We feel out of whack. Things just aren’t lining up. We might become aware that all we’re doing is running up against the same roadblock again and again, making no progress. I’m suggesting you at least consider that there may be another path at the end of that road. What does it look like? Is it for you?

My friend and fellow coach, Robin, gave a group of us a great visual this week. It’s the earth cut up into puzzle pieces. She shared that we each have our place in the world and if we don’t do our part then there’s a missing puzzle piece. That got me to thinking about spiritual gifts and ministries in the body of Christ – the church. The Bible says each believer is gifted by the Holy Spirit – given supernatural gifts for growing the body. The Bible also says that “we are [Christ’s] workmanship [poema] created for good works which He prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10). And we cannot miss the truth around integrity. We can fall out of integrity with God and with ourselves and even with those around us. We compromise. We lose sight of things that really matter. Our priorities and values may not be aligning. All of these offer insights to reasons we may need to look at another path.

Let me ask you a question: if you knew you were actually on the wrong path, wouldn’t you want to be redirected? Wouldn’t you be willing to go after something new instead? And if that’s all true, can’t you stop beating up on yourself and judging your decision? Can’t you, won’t you, stop letting others rent space in your brain over your choice? Choosing a new path that serves you, God, your family, the world better is a powerful choice. If it feels dicey, I think that’s the time to press in. I think that’s the time to bring up the quotes from the beginning of this article. Choosing a new path is not the same as giving up.  – Yeah, I’m totally talking to myself. If it serves you, too, then that’s awesome.

Life Coach Comes Out of the Closet

What the heck is a life coach?! I know I’ve asked that question numerous times in the past with thoughts of Paris (Gilmore Girls reference) not being able to make a decision without consulting her life coach. Ugh. I felt for sure this was a wimpy deal for wimpy people. Maybe you can relate. I thought life coaches were expensive hand-holders for the weak. 

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

When I started getting business advice and support, I was trying to reach some goals and stumbled across a training video, then took some classes that addressed my concerns … and had no idea whatsoever that I was engaged in life coaching. Thank goodness! I might have run away and missed out all due to ignorance.

That was 2 or 3 years ago. Through group coaching, I made great strides in my business, learned more about people and started examining my beliefs and thought processes. Eventually, I hired a private coach. With my own coach, we were able to dig into my specific issues and address them. Limiting beliefs, desperate behavior, time issues, resistance. I remember one specific encounter: My mom had just died and I was at her home sorting through the years of life spent at that particular address (and many years of accumulated things in the attic). I had a coaching call scheduled and decided to keep the appointment. I remember sitting in the car, having this conversation on my Bluetooth and crying. I don’t remember any actual coaching having taken place, but I do remember having a place to let things out and being able to trust the person on the other end of the phone to handle it.

Since that time, I have become a certified life coach. Added to that, I’m finishing my degree studying life coaching and counseling (added to the tons of business study already completed years ago). 

Here’s what I now know about life coaching. Life coaching helps strong people get stronger. Life coaching is for the brave - it digs into your soul if you let it. Life coaching is for people who are tired of living as victims. Life coaching is for people who are willing to do the work to change, to improve, to look at themselves honestly.  If you choose to have a life coach, you're making a decision to grow beyond what you can do on your own. 

Life coaching

• Fastest growing helping profession
• Helps people reach goals
• Future focused - but can deal with the past as needed
• Offers a perspective you don’t have
• Directed by the client
• Are allies
• Encourage others to walk alongside of them (like a Biblical encourager)
• Provides an ear
• Helps with time management, weight management, emotion management, business management
• Is not counseling
• Goes at your pace
• Is confidential
• Calls you on your stuff
• Provides an outlet
• Can help release pent up anger, pain, fear

Try not to judge my grammar, o.k.? 

So, if you’re wondering… 

I am a life coach. I help others deal with their life issues and move forward to an improved future. I am here to serve others – to serve you. I help you uncover things you already know – like the answers to your problems. God gifted me with the gift of exhortation (or encouragement) and that gift calls you up to walk alongside of me. I'm a helper.  I’m not able to lead everyone. Some of you are ahead of me. But, I’m able to lead some, encourage some, help some and I’m passionate about it. God used life coaching in my life to free me from years of self-abuse. If he can use me to help someone else, I’m willing.

It’s scary sometimes

Sometimes I worry whether or not I’m good enough, smart enough, talented enough for what I do or feel called to. I’m afraid I’ll let you down. But when I pause and reflect on that, I know better. God has equipped me perfectly for the things He has planned for me to do. I’m not on my own. In my weakness, He is strong.

Sometimes I have to go out on a limb and risk things, events (or me) failing. But you know what? It’s worth it. Maybe I will fail at some of the things I try … but maybe I'll succeed at some. Maybe no one will listen … but maybe someone will. Maybe I can’t help everyone (I’m sure I cannot), but maybe I can help one.

It’s an honor, a trust and a great privilege

I carry a big responsibility. That anyone would trust me is extremely humbling and I acknowledge it’s a privilege to be trusted this way. I’m so honored. The responsibility of it all keeps me studying, learning, growing – working on myself so I can be the best version of me for you and the others I serve. Truthfully, it keeps me right at the feet of Jesus, listening, observing, learning.

Pray for me

Pray for me, please, as I follow what I believe God has called and equipped me to do. It’s why I write these blogs. It’s why I chose my course of study in college. And trust me, not everyone is humble or wise in this field. I need discernment about who I train under and what I read. I could use prayer in those areas, let alone prayer as I help carry others’ burdens. Thank you for honoring me this way. <3

I’ve tip-toed around being public about this – hinting, implying, but rarely flat out saying it. I’m done with that. It’s not about me and never has been. I cannot hide and sneak around and be available to serve at the same time. So, here I am – out of the closet, so to speak – humbled, grateful, ready and willing. I am here, Lord. Send me.

Gaining Balance

Have you ever felt like your life was out of balance? Out of sync? How did that make you feel? Irritated? Critical? Anxious? I’ve felt that. And I’ve come out of that into a sense of calm – you probably want to know how.

1.       I spent a year focusing on learning to listen. For the past few years I’ve prayed about and decided upon a one-word focus for the year. Yes, it’s a trendy thing to do, but I could see value in it and I’ve found that it helps me make decisions about how I spend my time and energy. Anyway, last year I chose listen. I wanted to make time and space to listen to God and others and even myself.

2.       I became a deliberate joy seeker. I made a point of looking for joy in all of my circumstances. This past year I had my share of sadness and pain, but still I employed the tactic of seeking joy in my strife, joy in work, joy in my relationships, joy, joy, joy! In fact, I spent a fair amount of time recording the joy I found in each day.  This reminded me that God had not forgotten me in my darkest times. It helped cement the awareness that joy doesn’t actually mean happiness or happy circumstances. Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5b

3.        I practiced (and still do) thanksgiving. Learning to recognize the gifts of each day and extend thanks for them can do wonders for contentment. I am bent toward a complaining demeanor. Giving thanks in all things helps keep me from that (more than not). It also helps keep worry at bay. Let’s hear it for less worry! Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:6-7

4.       I became self-focused. OK, I know that may not sound very Christian to you, so let me explain it. I read a quote where a speaker said to draw a circle around yourself and ask God to change the person in it as a means to starting a spiritual revival. I stopped focusing on everyone else’s flaws (as much) and asked God to change my heart, forgive my sin. I have to get the log out of my own eye. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own? Matthew 7:3

5.       I started relinquishing things that no longer fit. As God changed the person in the circle, some things just didn’t seem to fit anymore. I had to let go of some things, make some changes, in order to embrace the new things that God had planned for me. This is harder than it seems! We like familiar, comfortable things. But they are false security. Familiar doesn’t mean best for you. I had to put my trust in Jesus and follow Him to new things, new places.

I don’t know if these steps are the right ones for you. I just know that following them has helped me regain my balance and reduce anxiety. Focusing on myself and God’s Word has helped me be less critical of others’ shortcomings, less prideful. I won’t tell you I have it all figured out.  I’m just saying things are clearer than they’ve been in a while. Maybe my plank is smaller.

I am guilty.

Yesterday, I read a post that spoke of the hurt a loved one is feeling due to the public words of another. I don’t know the details. I don’t need to. I know how it goes. We get on the internet or alone with a close friend or in a text conversation and we say things about people we would never say to their face. And we think God can’t see and we rationalize our behavior and leave a mess in our wake as we walk away. And I’m guilty.

It wasn’t that long ago that I stood in the very presence of this person and complained about a situation and said unflattering things about someone else. Lord, forgive me. I have thought and thought about that scene and regretted what I did but I didn’t see my guilt. Maybe that’s not true, I saw my guilt and tried to dodge it, ignore it. And of course, I continue in my own self-righteous behavior, speaking good and evil out of my mouth and acting like it’s o.k.

As I understand the events that led to yesterday’s post, the person who did the offending is a Christian – you know, a person like me – someone who professes to love the Lord – and yet, is not only behaving in a way that is most unlike the Lord, I’m just gonna guess that – like me – he/she used their love for God to justify their behavior. #guilty

I am learning that in every situation, there is a lesson, a blessing or a gift – My friend, Diane, taught me that. So, in prayer this morning I started asking God to show my beloved family the lesson, the blessing or the gift in this ugly. Right now, there is pain and I’m not here to tell anyone they can’t hurt when painful things are done to them/you. I’m just saying God can still work and bless, teach, give good things. He makes all things beautiful.

One thing I realized immediately in their post is my own guilt. Now, let me try to make myself feel a little better and impress you a little… sigh … I genuinely try not to publicly bash anyone. Even those with whom I completely disagree. (And I take  pride in that.) *** Standing on this “ground” is completely unstable.*** There is ***zero merit*** in believing that makes me good or better – because, in private, in my pride, I fail. I sin. I am guilty.

Here’s what I think. I think that if my family knew that their pain (and public mention of it) led another to repentance, they would embrace it. I know them well enough. I believe this to be absolutely true. They wouldn’t like what happened, but they would thank God for it all the same. So, I write this. Maybe they’ll see how my own heart was impacted. And I fervently pray that others will be moved by their post, or by mine or by others, to repent. I pray that many will see their wrong and turn from their prideful, smug, sinful behavior and choose love instead. Choose kindness. Choose to honor God and others with their tongue. And, you know, there is a way to disagree, to state your beliefs without sin, without flinging flaming arrows at your brothers and sisters. Choose that way. I’m going to work on that starting right now.

Lord, I am guilty. I have hurt my brothers and sisters in the “name of Christ”. I am wrong. Please forgive me and show me a better way. Please remind me of this moment in the future when I am tempted to criticize. I am human but you call me to be like Christ. And, Lord, please heal the hurts of these who serve you so faithfully. May they see the good you can bring from the pain.  

NOTE: There is a lot on this subject in the Bible. You might try asking Google what the Bible says about gossip, how we are to talk as Christians, what does repent mean. 

Eating Emotions

I’ve been thinking about emotional eating this morning. Now, if you’re like me, you may acknowledge that you are emotional/stress eater, but you may have mixed feelings about changing that situation. Oh, you want things to be different, but you don’t (I don’t) want to actually change. Ouch. I went right there. Right to the heart of the matter. You may feel a little ticked at me right now and may be forming an argument, but remember, I’m talking to myself as much as to you, if even to you.  Maybe it’s just me (but I don’t think so).

We – you and I – would like to be free of the negative side effects of emotional eating, mainly the weight gain, but truth be told, it also feels good. Yes, I know I’m telling the secrets. I know I’m openly admitting things that people like you and me hide from others. Can you be brave with me and look at it for a few minutes. I’ll stand here with you.

What I know to be true is that emotional eating is not so different from alcoholism. It’s just another type of substance. And, the thing is, no one really talks about the truth of emotional eating (and other substance abuse) – it feels good. It doesn’t just numb pain, it actually releases feel good sensations in the body. It has a calming effect.

I think something else is happening with emotional eating. As we stuff things into our body – and I know for me, it can feel very frantic in the moment – we are actually stuffing in emotions that we don’t want to face or deal with at the time, or even at all. We want to feel good and deny these feel bad emotions so we stuff them in. Maybe we don’t feel we have a right to feel stressed or then again, maybe we’re afraid that if we let the emotions surface we won’t be able to stop them. I know that kind of pain, maybe you do, too. So, we use food to trick ourselves into feeling good for a little while.

 

Something I’ve noticed is that society (me, you, we) use the term “emotional eater” to stifle conversation around our behavior and size, leaving others to go “O.K., she knows what’s happening,” and get off our backs. We do this “brave thing” of acknowledging our behavior – or so we think. Now we wouldn’t accept that from an alcoholic or drug abuse. We’d be all “There’s help for that”. But emotional eating doesn’t seem as “bad” or dangerous as alcohol or drug abuse.

Here's what I’m going to suggest. What if you (I) let yourself feel the stress, express the frustration and anger, allow it to surface? Oh, yes, I know how scary that can be, but what if you could find the source, the pain and just deal with it straight on instead of letting it control you? What if you took back your power instead of letting these emotions and unresolved issues control you? It’s not wrong to be angry or sad or hurt. No one said you have to be happy all the time – and if they did, they’re wrong.

Sister, brother, there is so much freedom on the other side of the fence. There are new experiences, new highs, new lows, too. It won’t feel perfect all the time and you may have to buy some Kleenex, but there is help and hope. Eating food, packing on extra weight, hiding doesn’t help in the end. It’s a false sense of better. It tricks you into thinking you’re “o.k.” and denies you the help you need.

Facing my inner critic, voices of my past, reminding myself of God’s love for me, and crying a puddle

of healing tears all have helped me in the quest to overcome emotional eating. Sometimes, I find myself back in my old ways and recognize I’m not “done” yet. I still have things to face and things to learn. And that’s o.k. My life isn’t perfect, but in my authentic (sometimes sad) self I have a lot more happiness than I ever pretended to have.

My mission today is to allow myself to feel things that don’t feel good. I’m granting myself permission to sit with anxiety a bit instead of grabbing something to numb the irritations. I’m going to remind myself that I’m safe and loved. I will feel my emotions, but I won’t let them rule me. I have a new loving place to dwell. Will you join me?