A father's imperfect love

Because a precious friend is hurting. Because God is perfect. Because we cannot be. Because it’s on my heart today. . .

I’m thinking about all the broken, injured, flawed people this morning. I’m thinking about the sins of the fathers being visited upon the generations. In my own family, we sometimes impress people with our colorful lineage. You see, I descend from a pirate of (some) fame. He was tried and hung in Williamsburg and there is a display in the jail at Colonial Williamsburg commemorating his death. Richard Lee Worley. My mom was a Worley. We’re also descended from Joseph Boone. You may have heard of his brother, Daniel. The pirate story gets more traction. And I get that. It’s fun and cool if you don’t think about it too much. If you gloss over what pirates really were and just focus on the cool outfits, well, yeah, it’s neat. If you think about the raping, pillaging and plundering – well, it’s not so glamorous. Now, I don’t think any of my more immediate line was as unsavory or evil as all that, but I can’t say their sins weren’t visited upon the generations after. Dysfunction and wrongs are certainly passed down, don’t you think?

All of that to say, we have wounded and hurt people who are doing the best they know to do. They’re becoming fathers and mothers and in their flawed states they’re passing forward the hurts they’ve suffered, often (maybe usually) completely ignorantly.

I volunteer as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate for children), or GAL – guardian ad litem, and I have the opportunity to observe court proceedings. I watch case after case of abuse and neglect, the affects of drug and alcohol abuse, wounded people who are in cycles of self-abuse, abuse of others, neglect of self and their children. People who are trapped in spirals of behavior they can’t seem to free themselves from trying to figure out how to get their children back. I see the generational impact of their choices. Sometimes, I’ve even thought “There but for the grace of God go I” and I mean it.

My own parents were imperfect, but they were good and they loved me. They struggled with their own pasts and became parents at a young age and had a lot to learn. I, too, became a parent at a relatively young age and I, too, had a lot to learn. I can honestly tell you that I acted from some of my injured places in my own parenting (and marriage). I had anger issues and have only recently felt those abate. I had lots of emotions stuffed down, never dealt with, hidden even from myself.

In my coaching and counseling training, I’ve learned that anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is a reaction that is born out of previous pain and fear stuffed down. To heal anger, we have to get down to those other issues. If you have anger issues, you could benefit from a coach or counselor’s help. You need to seek help to uncover the roots and deal with those to stop the cycle. You can get better.

Listen – if you had imperfect parents, injured parents, abusive parents – I know it can be hard to trust God, the Father. I just want to tell you. He’s a good Father. He’s perfect. And He loves you. He loves you in the most profound way imaginable. He doesn’t hurt. He doesn’t demand perfection – In fact, He grants it. He loves us in our imperfection. He invites us to come to Him as children.  He can heal our brokenness. He loves us as a perfect Father – in a way no earthly father can.

So, what are we imperfect, injured people to do? All I can tell you in this moment is for me, I'm rejoicing in the fact that Jesus paid the sacrifice that allows me to be made perfect in the Father's eyes. My holiness is a work in progress, but the Father sees me as perfect. When any man comes to Christ, He is made new. I'm  thankful that in my flawed state, God remembers my sin no more. He offers forgiveness to all who seek Him. 

In an attempt to tie this all together, I want to say that God is not a flawed, imperfect Father. He is the perfect Father you dream of. As for imperfect, cruel fathers - well, they're acting out of their own brokenness. So, we can pray for their soul healing. Their shortcomings or offenses don't mean they don't love. I think it means they have a mess of stuff shoved in yet to be confronted. 

As I thought about my friend this morning, I pictured a wounded little girl needing love and affection. Maybe that's you. I pictured myself inviting the little girl to sit on my lap and imagined consoling her and telling her she is loved. It occurs to me she's loved by her father, too, but his pain is covering that up. He's deflecting his own pain onto her. If I had that little girl on my lap, I'd tell her that she has a perfect Father who is completely love. He's there for her always.