A father's imperfect love

Because a precious friend is hurting. Because God is perfect. Because we cannot be. Because it’s on my heart today. . .

I’m thinking about all the broken, injured, flawed people this morning. I’m thinking about the sins of the fathers being visited upon the generations. In my own family, we sometimes impress people with our colorful lineage. You see, I descend from a pirate of (some) fame. He was tried and hung in Williamsburg and there is a display in the jail at Colonial Williamsburg commemorating his death. Richard Lee Worley. My mom was a Worley. We’re also descended from Joseph Boone. You may have heard of his brother, Daniel. The pirate story gets more traction. And I get that. It’s fun and cool if you don’t think about it too much. If you gloss over what pirates really were and just focus on the cool outfits, well, yeah, it’s neat. If you think about the raping, pillaging and plundering – well, it’s not so glamorous. Now, I don’t think any of my more immediate line was as unsavory or evil as all that, but I can’t say their sins weren’t visited upon the generations after. Dysfunction and wrongs are certainly passed down, don’t you think?

All of that to say, we have wounded and hurt people who are doing the best they know to do. They’re becoming fathers and mothers and in their flawed states they’re passing forward the hurts they’ve suffered, often (maybe usually) completely ignorantly.

I volunteer as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate for children), or GAL – guardian ad litem, and I have the opportunity to observe court proceedings. I watch case after case of abuse and neglect, the affects of drug and alcohol abuse, wounded people who are in cycles of self-abuse, abuse of others, neglect of self and their children. People who are trapped in spirals of behavior they can’t seem to free themselves from trying to figure out how to get their children back. I see the generational impact of their choices. Sometimes, I’ve even thought “There but for the grace of God go I” and I mean it.

My own parents were imperfect, but they were good and they loved me. They struggled with their own pasts and became parents at a young age and had a lot to learn. I, too, became a parent at a relatively young age and I, too, had a lot to learn. I can honestly tell you that I acted from some of my injured places in my own parenting (and marriage). I had anger issues and have only recently felt those abate. I had lots of emotions stuffed down, never dealt with, hidden even from myself.

In my coaching and counseling training, I’ve learned that anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is a reaction that is born out of previous pain and fear stuffed down. To heal anger, we have to get down to those other issues. If you have anger issues, you could benefit from a coach or counselor’s help. You need to seek help to uncover the roots and deal with those to stop the cycle. You can get better.

Listen – if you had imperfect parents, injured parents, abusive parents – I know it can be hard to trust God, the Father. I just want to tell you. He’s a good Father. He’s perfect. And He loves you. He loves you in the most profound way imaginable. He doesn’t hurt. He doesn’t demand perfection – In fact, He grants it. He loves us in our imperfection. He invites us to come to Him as children.  He can heal our brokenness. He loves us as a perfect Father – in a way no earthly father can.

So, what are we imperfect, injured people to do? All I can tell you in this moment is for me, I'm rejoicing in the fact that Jesus paid the sacrifice that allows me to be made perfect in the Father's eyes. My holiness is a work in progress, but the Father sees me as perfect. When any man comes to Christ, He is made new. I'm  thankful that in my flawed state, God remembers my sin no more. He offers forgiveness to all who seek Him. 

In an attempt to tie this all together, I want to say that God is not a flawed, imperfect Father. He is the perfect Father you dream of. As for imperfect, cruel fathers - well, they're acting out of their own brokenness. So, we can pray for their soul healing. Their shortcomings or offenses don't mean they don't love. I think it means they have a mess of stuff shoved in yet to be confronted. 

As I thought about my friend this morning, I pictured a wounded little girl needing love and affection. Maybe that's you. I pictured myself inviting the little girl to sit on my lap and imagined consoling her and telling her she is loved. It occurs to me she's loved by her father, too, but his pain is covering that up. He's deflecting his own pain onto her. If I had that little girl on my lap, I'd tell her that she has a perfect Father who is completely love. He's there for her always. 

They're children

CASA  volunteer
(Court Appointed Special  Advocate)

I don’t read the news as a general rule. My husband, on the other hand, reads numerous publications daily. I appreciate that he not only reads those who agree with his viewpoint, but also those who don’t. In most cases, he has a reasonable awareness of both sides of any political argument and is well-informed on current events. He loves it. I don’t. I also don’t watch the news and in fact, rarely watch regular t.v. I gave up 24 hour news a few years ago, probably during a presidential campaign. I found that the angry, vicious attacks from all sides did not serve me well. I realized most people on the broadcasts didn’t care so much about truth as they did power – staying in or getting more. Sometimes, like now, I’m sorry that I don’t know the facts or even the true argument.

I know that there are children in cages. And I know that people are upset. The images are hard. Pondering the fear of those children is even harder. As I mindlessly scrolled Facebook this morning, I found people of all political leanings outraged. And there’s tons of blaming. Tons. And it’s being hurled in every direction. On top of that, Scripture is being used like a weapon more than as wisdom.

In the middle of this, a woman I know posted about the plight of foster children. She spoke to the reality of what’s happening all the time, daily, in our local communities and we, the outraged, are turning our heads. A pastor posted about the lack of outrage when it comes to abortion. You can imagine how the comment thread went. My daughter posed the question, “What can we, the church, do right now to make a difference to these children?”. (paraphrased) That’s something to ponder.

I’m sitting here among my flood of thoughts, my guilt, and my indignation. I’m convinced both sides, and I’m sure there are more than 2 sides, are guilty of turning the glaring light of shame onto their counterparts while they lurk in shadows trying to appear innocent.

Meanwhile, in Georgia alone, there are over 11,000 innocent children in foster care. In my adjacent county, there are between 400 and 500 on any given day and less than 100 foster beds available in that same county. The children are housed in hotels downtown and often moved to other counties where beds can be found. These children grow up with stigma related to being foster children. Take note: they are in foster care because their parents could not, did not care for them adequately and safely. Sometimes (very often) it’s because of drugs. Other times, filth and neglect. It may be because of an unsafe home environment. Physical and sexual abuse are reasons. Domestic violence that endangers the children is a cause. Extreme poverty may play a part. Often times, because no family member steps forward or is able, victimized children are treated as if they are the problem. It’s heartbreaking. They are moved from home to home with their belongings in a paper bag or small suitcase or box. Frequently, they have to leave behind new toys or clothes or comfortable rooms to move when foster family situations aren’t working well, or the fosters change their minds or decide it’s too hard or even become too attached.

Some CASA volunteers -  Columbus, GA

In the blink of an eye, a child’s world can suddenly turn upside down. They don’t know what’s happening. They don’t understand. All they know is that they’re pulled out of all they’ve known and cast into a new and scary to them environment. Unfamiliar faces, foods, routines, schools. Pets are left behind. Favorite toys (and people) are gone. And sometimes, they never see them again. Parental rights may be terminated. The children may not have seen them in months or then again, they may be allowed weekly visitations and then suddenly it’s all over. What happens then? Their faces are added to adoption websites, calls are made to family members, and children are left to figure out what it even means.

I know why we don’t look at it. It’s ugly. It disturbs us. It makes us fear we may have to do something. I know. I struggle with it, too.

The Value of a Well-placed Yes (or No)

Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) 

I’ve heard it said that we are conditioned from early age to answer, “No”. Our initial response is simply no. We don’t need help in a store. We don’t want that item someone is selling. We’re busy, can’t commit to anything else. In the South, we say a lot of “No, thank you”. We also say, “Bless your heart”, but that’s another story. Truth be told, we do say “no” an awful lot and awfully easily. I recall being in stores (way more than once), looking for something specific, not knowing how the items were organized and answering “No” when asked if the sales person could help me. Yes, we say “no” a lot. Easily. Even when we mean “yes”. Puzzling, isn’t it?

By the same token, we often dole out our yeses all too easily.

“Can you help with this project?” – Yes. Without checking in with ourselves or our calendars or our families.

“Would you like some cake?” – Yes. No matter that we’re trying to reduce our weight or have diabetes or don’t like that particular person’s cake.

“Wanna sleep together [even though we just met tonight, know nothing about each other, have no intention of ever seeing each other again]?” – Yes. No matter that we’re desperately looking for a life partner or think it’s wrong or know our heart is on the rebound or that we don’t have protection.

I’m being provocative deliberately – and not just about casual sex. As I ponder this concept, I realize that the corporate we are indiscriminate, lacking discernment, impulsive. We just toss our yes and no around as if they don’t matter. Does that make us foolish? Lacking wisdom?

Here’s the heart of what I’m trying to get to… are we even available for the best things when they come along? Are we saying yes and no so quickly that we are missing the big YES moments that could change our lives or that of another?

A couple of years ago, I made a decision to say “Yes” more. I wanted to free myself from the things that didn’t really fit in my life or God’s plan (as I understood it) so that I could say “Yes” to more and better things. I wanted to say “Yes” to God more readily, to my husband, to my family, to good business opportunities, to my health choices. To be more available to the important things.

Did you catch the point? In order to say “Yes” to the best, I had to say “No” to the merely okay. This takes courage, backbone and commitment. And you can take it to the bank that when you begin to relinquish some things, there will be pushback. That’s where the backbone and commitment really come in handy. Your choices will be challenged – and not just by those around you. Your own ego and mind will challenge you as you answer to your soul.

As you begin to make discerning responses that are geared toward your highest values and callings, you will find new strength. You will find more joy in your calendar as you weed out the unimportant and add in the most important (as determined by you and God). You will find greater enthusiasm and fulfillment. You will find yourself more available to the best things God has for you.