I'm a Little Mad at Me

Soul. Mind. Heart. Head. There’s an argument going on inside of me this morning. I mean, when it all comes down to it, it may not be that big of a deal. I’m just wrestling with some things and I feel like it’s worth sharing. Maybe there’s something we can all learn from it. Goodness knows, I’m flawed and vulnerable, just like you.

The back story: I decided several months ago to give up on my right to indulge myself. Truth be told, I wasn’t actually indulging myself so much as trying to soothe myself and hide in a protective blanket of fat. You can deal with my assessment however you will; I’m just being honest here. The why’s aren’t really the important part. It’s just that I did. Through all kinds of personal growth, I relinquished my need for the extra weight and the comfort (false comfort) of food. I started making changes. In a very empowered way, I adopted an eating plan that has brought my body so much healing and reduced so much pain. Hooray all around!

Meanwhile: I still have work to do. That’s the long and short of it. There are still old habits and urges to reckon with. I have some former go-to behaviors that, when triggered, can surface – though truly that hardly ever happens anymore -  I have new ways to deal with triggers. And sometimes, I just want to eat the rich food. Sometimes, I miss it.

I’m sharing from my heart based on all that I understand as I write this. I want to be as honest with you as I can be, while bringing any wisdom I may have, any insight, that may be of help to you. As I process, new insight will come which is another reason to hash it out.

There’s a conflict going on: Here’s the thing. Sometimes, my body (and “old me”) wants to just go for it and revel for a minute or two in my old destructive behavior. I don’t want to stay there. I know it doesn’t serve me. (Said the alcoholic mindset, I presume.) My soul loves the new way. Absolutely. And actually, my body does, too. So maybe it’s my mind that wants to do the old thing….

I don’t believe in “good” food and “bad” food. I am way more concerned with the why of eating and the impact of choices than the actual what. I believe that as you work on your inner man and heal old wounds, you improve and move more and more away from destructive behavior. I’m not an academic expert or psychologist, by the way. I am a life coach and introspective person sharing my personal journey.

Catching a glimpse of the changes

Today’s fight or conflict or issue, label it what you will: Last night my husband and I went out to dinner. We went to a favorite place known for delicious food. A little more back story is that I was feeling a little deprived, having some cravings … trying to decide whether it was better to just have some of what I wanted or resist. Trying to just resist doesn’t really work btw. It keeps you focused on the object. I'm still learning new skills in this area. I made the choice I wanted and used some wisdom around it: a fish dinner, sauce on the side, side salad with lemons no dressing, green beans (aware there would be added fat). I wasn’t looking to go off and have “whatever I wanted”. I was respecting my body and honoring it with healthy choices, and honoring some genuine desires. I missed the “blackened” part of the fish description which entails a good bit of butter as far as I know. When the meal came and I realized that fact, I began to notice a sense of the battle inside revving up. Mind vs Soul and body in there somewhere. Mind: This is fine food. You don’t have to feel bad about this. One meal won’t hurt you. Soul: But, we’ve been working hard. We’ve just reached a new goal you said was important. We should’ve just gotten a steak. Body: We eat like that all the time. Today, at this restaurant, can we just enjoy the meal? Soul: Truly, the food is fine. If this is what you want, it’s absolutely o.k. I just think you might be sorry.

This is how the mind of one who struggles talks. Is it just me? No, I know it isn’t. We all have wrestlings like this of one kind or another. Maybe your inner struggle has nothing to do with food. Mine does.

This morning, I’m a little sorry and a little not. The truth is, the meal was absolutely wonderful. The truth is also that I slightly regret my choices. There was a point where I went from “Oh, it’s blackened” to “Give me the chocolate peanut butter pie”. Just. Like. That. And it’s o.k. One meal will not set me back, that’s true. I’m more concerned about ignoring what I believe my soul, my inner self, was trying to say. I’m more concerned that I ate the pie I wanted at the moment and then brought the rest home to finish “while I was already off plan”, when I was genuinely full.

Sometimes I plan to go off-plan. I know when. I know why. And it doesn’t bother me one iota. This was more the behavior of my old victim. That’s what’s bothering me. Why? Why did it show up? I suspect it’s because I spent all day researching and studying our relationship with food and I’m still vulnerable. I served a lot of other people yesterday and (possibly) didn’t care attentively for myself. (Though I thoroughly enjoyed my day.)

This morning, I took my coffee outside and sat by the lake and simply took it all in. The beauty. The nature. The God-ness of it all. I checked in with my soul. I listened to all the arguing. I meditated on the goodness of God and Psalm 139. And now? After writing all of this? I sense a great calm and peace. I chose the food. I enjoyed a delightful meal with my husband. I feel satisfied. It was a nice treat – which is the way to treat decadent foods. My daughter taught me that. It’s o.k. to have anything you want – now and then. Just because it’s good. And you don’t have to feel bad. Food is not your enemy – or mine. I think, now, that all the bad feelings are the resurfacing of old habits. I’ve been programmed to feel bad after an indulgent meal and blame on myself. These arguments are the old way coming up. So interesting. I’m reframing right now. Taking away that sting of my judging voice and replacing it with kindness and an appreciation for the evening with my husband. So. Very. Interesting.