What Are You Looking At?

Glad I took this one - it showed me that I missed a button! 

Ahhhhhh, the endless game of measuring our success. We want to know how we’re doing, where we need to apply pressure, if we’re doing enough. We’ve got goals, after all, and we can’t just expect them to come true on their own! People are watching, expecting, anticipating, judging. And I’m here to tell you, the one really doing all of that is you. No one is as hard on you as you – and it may be killing your dreams.

Last night I almost fell for it. I caught myself starting to chew myself out. You see, I’m on a weight reduction plan – that’s not quite accurate – I’m on a LIFE IMPROVEMENT plan that involves eating a certain way for maximum effect. Now, goal-driven person that I am, I am all in for maximum effect. I eat a certain way most all of the time and am very selective about deviations. If I’m going off-plan it has to be for a good reason and for good food. I recognize the choice is all mine.

Rivermill Event Center Columbus, GA

So, last night my husband and I attended a special event in town celebrating the grand opening of a fancy event center. I was super excited. I got dressed in a pretty black dress, put on heels and gathered my cute little evening bag filled with lipstick and debit card, just in case. (I always carry i.d., a little cash and a card, just in case. In case of what, I don’t know, but just in case.) I didn’t worry too much ahead of time about the food because I anticipated a bit of a spread and some choices. The first sign of trouble was when a speaker mentioned they weren’t able to cook onsite yet. Uh-oh – insert thought balloon with the words “That could mean trouble.”. The options were definitely limited and I was definitely hungry. I made the choice to forego my best wisdom and eat. I knew as I made that decision that it would be all right. I knew I wouldn’t be derailed from my plan. I knew that my body would be fine. I knew that it was a mere blip of time on a long journey. I knew all of that.

In spite of my awareness, I could hear my inner voice start to chastise me. I could feel myself start to fret. I could feel the anxiety rising. And I could feel my stomach bloating from the macaroni and cheese bar. (Yeah, that’s a thing apparently.)

Here’s how I stopped the downward spiral – which isn’t actual productive anyway. I reminded myself how far I’ve come. I took time in the beautiful bathroom to snap a selfie in the full-length mirror. I reminded myself where I was just a month ago, let alone 6 months ago.

Family fun day with our granddaughter! 

In a similar vein, last week my daughter snapped a picture of me from behind ---- without my knowledge. I'm sure most women can imagine my anxiety as I opened the picture. To my surprise, I absolutely loved the picture. It showed me out having fun with people I love and I could totally see the changes in my body - and I liked it. I posted it in a private group and one woman responded that she thought it great that I could look at that picture and not be discouraged. I ruffled a bit but realized she was saying that she would have difficulty seeing a picture of herself. I thought: why wouldn't I love this? What's not too love? I have no idea what I'll look like at "goal weight", but I love my progress. That keeps me going! 

About 60 lbs gone at this point.

When you choose to look at how far you’ve come instead of putting all your focus on how far you have to go, your mind engages differently. Your subconscious mind loves being congratulated on a job well-done and while it loves goals, it doesn’t respond so well to tongue lashings. By shifting my focus to how well I’ve done and how much I’ve lost, I can enjoy a sense of accomplishment that makes me want to keep going. It works that way for you, too. When you rehearse your failures, your subconscious mind kicks into high gear trying to protect you from that pain. The best way to stop the pain? Quit. Quit trying and there’s no reason to yell at yourself. Your subconscious mind has done its job.

Here’s a better way:

·         Look at how far you’ve come and congratulate yourself.

·         Determine one thing you can implement right now to improve your performance slightly – say to go from a 3 to a 4. Your subconscious mind can engage on that level.

·         Create an action plan that you can calendar and measure for that one thing.

·         Stop the overwhelm madness of all or nothing.

The Gift of Failure

Recently, I had a great privilege to partake in a coaching certification program. This gathering of people who share the passion and desire to help others transform their lives occurs a couple of times a year and positions willing hearts to serve others in their personal life coaching businesses or in their current leadership roles. The event itself is uniquely impressive and transformational for those in attendance.

A repeated message from the creator of this course, Sean Smith, is that failure is the road we walk to success. This concept is not original but I learned it best from Sean. As he pressed through this topic in the course, he emphasized that there is value in failure and that it is often necessary, in fact, to move us from one place to another. Failure can help us learn. Failure can be an impetus for change. Failure provides a backdrop for us to increase our skillset in order to succeed. Failure is valuable and is a requirement for true success. To desire success but fear failure is to deny yourself the success you’re seeking. Bam! I could spend a great deal of time on this very point alone. *Insert lengthy discussion on the shallow, hollow achievements that came with no need to sacrifice, no need for personal growth.*

Here’s a thought: when we don’t have to work hard enough at something to fail along the way, have we really accomplished anything worth having? Isn’t that just a little like being nice to people who are nice to you? Easy. No stretch. No growth. Just a thought, not a condemnation.

Back to class … the point was made that in our failure, there are nuggets of learning – packages, if you will, that God drops along the way. The problem is most of us don’t open the packages. In fact, most of us ignore the fact that the packages even dropped and turn around and renew our efforts all over again without ever learning the lesson intended for us. And the thing is, it just makes it harder for us to reach the goal. I learned that we develop emotional scar tissue around that goal. Fascinating, isn’t it? How many times have you, like me, tried to simply apply fierce determination but never looked for the lesson? That becomes very self-focused and self-defeating. It’s so ironic. We work harder and move further from the goal.

At one point, as I sat and listened and learned, I noticed an agitation developing. It was the last day of the training. Sean was trying to finish the material and I had a comment to make (that I thought was really, really important). I raised my hand and waited for Sean to acknowledge me. I was following the rules. Waiting, waiting. Listening while others spoke up and the conversation moved on, feeling overlooked, ignored and becoming determined to be heard. As I focused more and more on my need to be heard and my sense of being ignored, my agitation grew. It pulsed inside of me. It became the only sound I heard – well, that and my own argumentative head voice. I finally spoke up – forced my way in with all of my “wisdom”. During the break, I shared my issues, confessing my irritation and frustration. I realized that I knew all along that our leader could have his own reasons for not stopping the conversation. I knew that others behind me may have had their hands raised, too. I knew I was missing the entire conversation. Ego is like that. And, during all of that personal agitation, I missed the packages. Anything that was meant for me was lost on me because I had placed my own personal goal and indignation at the forefront. I wasn’t looking for truth in that moment. I was the proverbial Me Monster, concerned only about my own desires and issues.

Sigh. It’s not fun to revisit this moment. I’m not proud of it. However, it teaches the dangers involved in getting hung up on any one point. We can be so inwardly focused on what we’re missing or how we failed or criticizing ourselves that we entirely miss the value of the moment, the lessons that are being taught. I believe my failure has some redemption in it in that I did learn from the experience. It was humbling but by choosing to look at and examine my own heart in the matter, I did learn something. I picked up a package and opened it. Now to put it into practice.

What packages have you missed along the way? What goals have you missed? Do you keep missing the same goals? Is it possible you’ve been focusing on the failure and not seeing the benefit? If you’re missing the same goals over and over, I can bet you’re ignoring or totally missing the lessons. Perseverance is valuable. Tenacious persistence is admirable. But, what if you’re not on your best track for your life? What if you need a course correction? Failure can help provide that. What if you’re only pursing superficial, tangible goals and God is protecting you from the pain of temporary success? Our life is but a vapor – fleeting, passing like the morning mist. God is looking for more than worldly achievements. He wants us to help change the world. Your value in His eyes has nothing to do with titles, cars and big homes. God doesn’t look on the outside; He looks at the heart. His ways are quite simply not our ways. In your failures, in your heartbreak, in your losses He is there and He can use all of these things to produce growth and change. Look for the lesson – for it is a gift for your future.