Oh Yes You Can!

Let me get right to the point this morning. How long are you going to stay where you are, doing what you’re doing and refusing to change? There. I said it. I asked the real question. The one that gnaws at me in my own soul. How long are you going to complain about not getting results you didn’t work for? How long are you going to accept a mediocre version of yourself and pretend that it’s the best you can give.

Hold on! That last one really pricks. It stings. It smacks at the hardcore unvarnished truth. Well, now. I didn’t expect to go that deep that fast.

Listen, if I don’t tell it to you straight, I’m not doing you any good. If you’re going to shut me out every time I speak up, why am I even here? In fact, if you’re going to complain and whine about all of my [awesome] suggestions, I’m going to quit helping you.  I’m going to shut up. I’m going to quit telling you the truth and let you see how long you’ll stay happy swimming in your mediocre muck!

Soul Food

Whoo, boy! That cuts, doesn’t it? Sharp, sharp words. Mean and nasty – and oh, so true! Like you, like your friends and neighbors, I’m a master at self-victimization. Only thing is, I don’t call it that. I call it “doing the best I can” or “that’s just how I am” or “the stars weren’t aligned, it wasn’t God’s will, I can’t help it”. But the truth is, I’m allowing it and worse than that, I’m causing it. And so are you.

Every time we blame others or circumstances for our situation, we victimize ourselves. Every time we deny our ability to change, we surrender the power we have over the situation and label ourselves as helpless. Just because we use euphemisms to describe it doesn’t mean we’re not doing it. Let’s get real about it.

The thing is – I don’t think we need to blame anyone.  And that means ourselves, too. Blaming and accusing isn’t great material for growth. I say, let’s just acknowledge our position of power. Let’s reclaim our personal choice in the matters that matter. There are tons of things we cannot control in a day, for sure. But, my question is, what are we doing about the ones we can control?

My health food.

•                 What are we putting in our mouths?
•                 How and when are we strengthening our bodies?
•                 When are we going to bed, getting up, feeding our souls?
•                 How much time are we spending on social media, watching junk t.v., reading meaningless material, texting instead of talking, while we complain that we don’t make enough money, have meaningful relationships, weigh what we want, have any energy?

This isn’t sexy to talk about – I know it. But my friend, if we don’t face up to how we’re sabotaging our hopes and dreams, we will keep riding the hamster wheel that’s taking us nowhere. Encouragement is not patting someone, even yourself, on the head and saying “You did the best you could. You’re all you can be. You can’t help it.” No. Real encouragement is saying, “Put on your shoes and let’s run this race together! You can do more than you think. You are worth another shot. God loves you and so do I!”. Real encouragement calls a brother or sister up alongside. Real encouragement is laced with tons of belief in a person’s ability to rise above their circumstance.

I’m not here to tell you that you don’t need God. In fact, I’m not even here to tell you that you don’t face some real challenges. But I am here to challenge you to take responsibility for your say so in the matter. I’m here to challenge you to consider how you might do things differently if you’re not getting the results you want. I’m issuing a call to CHANGE.

Urgent or important?

I believe God is in control of our ultimate destiny. The Bible says, “A man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps” (paraphrased, Proverbs 16:9). And I personally believe in seeking God and His will for our lives. I also believe that we make many decisions each day that play a part in how we travel this life. I’m suggesting here that we might benefit from taking an honest look at our choices day in and day out and reckon with their impact on our current situation. This is what I mean when I say we need to take our power back and stop putting ourselves in the role of victim.

Consider some things:

•                 Who are you hanging around and do they encourage you to grow - by their words, by their own choices? Are they of excellent character? (Can you love them without spending tons of time around them if they’re not?)
•                 How do you run your day? Are you in control of your time? Are you making time for what’s truly important or simply chasing after the urgent all day?
•                 What are you putting in your brain? Do you read uplifting, intellectual things? Is your thought life driven by trashy books, disparaging comedy/music, the news, your social media feed – to name a few that I judge as draining, depleting?
•                 Are you feeding your soul intentionally?
•                 Are you finding your feel-good moments in ways that do not serve you? (Food, alcohol, drugs, porn, egomania)
•                 Are you satisfied with being less than you believe you were created to be?

What change are you resisting that you know would help you? We are afraid of change. I get it. If we change, others may not accept us. If we change, everything will be different. If we change we can never do x, y or z again – or so we fear.  I only know who I am now. How can I be something else? I get that.

Here’s an idea. What if you stop trying to do all the right things and you concentrated on who you want to be? I decided I want to be healthy. That changed some choices for me. I decided I want to be in full integrity with myself and that led to me changing some disingenuous behavior. I decided I want to be more in tune with God and so I began to create more time for time in the Word and prayer. I decided I wanted to be a more powerful person for myself and others and so I began to change and adopt some habits that are more in alignment with that desire.

My friend. You have more control than you think. You, like me, are making choices day in and day out that are impacting your place in life. I personally don’t know anyone who can’t improve in some area or another so trust me, I’m not putting you down. My goal is to help you look up and decide to pick yourself up. Come on now. You can do it.

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What Are You Looking At?

Glad I took this one - it showed me that I missed a button! 

Ahhhhhh, the endless game of measuring our success. We want to know how we’re doing, where we need to apply pressure, if we’re doing enough. We’ve got goals, after all, and we can’t just expect them to come true on their own! People are watching, expecting, anticipating, judging. And I’m here to tell you, the one really doing all of that is you. No one is as hard on you as you – and it may be killing your dreams.

Last night I almost fell for it. I caught myself starting to chew myself out. You see, I’m on a weight reduction plan – that’s not quite accurate – I’m on a LIFE IMPROVEMENT plan that involves eating a certain way for maximum effect. Now, goal-driven person that I am, I am all in for maximum effect. I eat a certain way most all of the time and am very selective about deviations. If I’m going off-plan it has to be for a good reason and for good food. I recognize the choice is all mine.

Rivermill Event Center Columbus, GA

So, last night my husband and I attended a special event in town celebrating the grand opening of a fancy event center. I was super excited. I got dressed in a pretty black dress, put on heels and gathered my cute little evening bag filled with lipstick and debit card, just in case. (I always carry i.d., a little cash and a card, just in case. In case of what, I don’t know, but just in case.) I didn’t worry too much ahead of time about the food because I anticipated a bit of a spread and some choices. The first sign of trouble was when a speaker mentioned they weren’t able to cook onsite yet. Uh-oh – insert thought balloon with the words “That could mean trouble.”. The options were definitely limited and I was definitely hungry. I made the choice to forego my best wisdom and eat. I knew as I made that decision that it would be all right. I knew I wouldn’t be derailed from my plan. I knew that my body would be fine. I knew that it was a mere blip of time on a long journey. I knew all of that.

In spite of my awareness, I could hear my inner voice start to chastise me. I could feel myself start to fret. I could feel the anxiety rising. And I could feel my stomach bloating from the macaroni and cheese bar. (Yeah, that’s a thing apparently.)

Here’s how I stopped the downward spiral – which isn’t actual productive anyway. I reminded myself how far I’ve come. I took time in the beautiful bathroom to snap a selfie in the full-length mirror. I reminded myself where I was just a month ago, let alone 6 months ago.

Family fun day with our granddaughter! 

In a similar vein, last week my daughter snapped a picture of me from behind ---- without my knowledge. I'm sure most women can imagine my anxiety as I opened the picture. To my surprise, I absolutely loved the picture. It showed me out having fun with people I love and I could totally see the changes in my body - and I liked it. I posted it in a private group and one woman responded that she thought it great that I could look at that picture and not be discouraged. I ruffled a bit but realized she was saying that she would have difficulty seeing a picture of herself. I thought: why wouldn't I love this? What's not too love? I have no idea what I'll look like at "goal weight", but I love my progress. That keeps me going! 

About 60 lbs gone at this point.

When you choose to look at how far you’ve come instead of putting all your focus on how far you have to go, your mind engages differently. Your subconscious mind loves being congratulated on a job well-done and while it loves goals, it doesn’t respond so well to tongue lashings. By shifting my focus to how well I’ve done and how much I’ve lost, I can enjoy a sense of accomplishment that makes me want to keep going. It works that way for you, too. When you rehearse your failures, your subconscious mind kicks into high gear trying to protect you from that pain. The best way to stop the pain? Quit. Quit trying and there’s no reason to yell at yourself. Your subconscious mind has done its job.

Here’s a better way:

·         Look at how far you’ve come and congratulate yourself.

·         Determine one thing you can implement right now to improve your performance slightly – say to go from a 3 to a 4. Your subconscious mind can engage on that level.

·         Create an action plan that you can calendar and measure for that one thing.

·         Stop the overwhelm madness of all or nothing.

The Gift of Failure

Recently, I had a great privilege to partake in a coaching certification program. This gathering of people who share the passion and desire to help others transform their lives occurs a couple of times a year and positions willing hearts to serve others in their personal life coaching businesses or in their current leadership roles. The event itself is uniquely impressive and transformational for those in attendance.

A repeated message from the creator of this course, Sean Smith, is that failure is the road we walk to success. This concept is not original but I learned it best from Sean. As he pressed through this topic in the course, he emphasized that there is value in failure and that it is often necessary, in fact, to move us from one place to another. Failure can help us learn. Failure can be an impetus for change. Failure provides a backdrop for us to increase our skillset in order to succeed. Failure is valuable and is a requirement for true success. To desire success but fear failure is to deny yourself the success you’re seeking. Bam! I could spend a great deal of time on this very point alone. *Insert lengthy discussion on the shallow, hollow achievements that came with no need to sacrifice, no need for personal growth.*

Here’s a thought: when we don’t have to work hard enough at something to fail along the way, have we really accomplished anything worth having? Isn’t that just a little like being nice to people who are nice to you? Easy. No stretch. No growth. Just a thought, not a condemnation.

Back to class … the point was made that in our failure, there are nuggets of learning – packages, if you will, that God drops along the way. The problem is most of us don’t open the packages. In fact, most of us ignore the fact that the packages even dropped and turn around and renew our efforts all over again without ever learning the lesson intended for us. And the thing is, it just makes it harder for us to reach the goal. I learned that we develop emotional scar tissue around that goal. Fascinating, isn’t it? How many times have you, like me, tried to simply apply fierce determination but never looked for the lesson? That becomes very self-focused and self-defeating. It’s so ironic. We work harder and move further from the goal.

At one point, as I sat and listened and learned, I noticed an agitation developing. It was the last day of the training. Sean was trying to finish the material and I had a comment to make (that I thought was really, really important). I raised my hand and waited for Sean to acknowledge me. I was following the rules. Waiting, waiting. Listening while others spoke up and the conversation moved on, feeling overlooked, ignored and becoming determined to be heard. As I focused more and more on my need to be heard and my sense of being ignored, my agitation grew. It pulsed inside of me. It became the only sound I heard – well, that and my own argumentative head voice. I finally spoke up – forced my way in with all of my “wisdom”. During the break, I shared my issues, confessing my irritation and frustration. I realized that I knew all along that our leader could have his own reasons for not stopping the conversation. I knew that others behind me may have had their hands raised, too. I knew I was missing the entire conversation. Ego is like that. And, during all of that personal agitation, I missed the packages. Anything that was meant for me was lost on me because I had placed my own personal goal and indignation at the forefront. I wasn’t looking for truth in that moment. I was the proverbial Me Monster, concerned only about my own desires and issues.

Sigh. It’s not fun to revisit this moment. I’m not proud of it. However, it teaches the dangers involved in getting hung up on any one point. We can be so inwardly focused on what we’re missing or how we failed or criticizing ourselves that we entirely miss the value of the moment, the lessons that are being taught. I believe my failure has some redemption in it in that I did learn from the experience. It was humbling but by choosing to look at and examine my own heart in the matter, I did learn something. I picked up a package and opened it. Now to put it into practice.

What packages have you missed along the way? What goals have you missed? Do you keep missing the same goals? Is it possible you’ve been focusing on the failure and not seeing the benefit? If you’re missing the same goals over and over, I can bet you’re ignoring or totally missing the lessons. Perseverance is valuable. Tenacious persistence is admirable. But, what if you’re not on your best track for your life? What if you need a course correction? Failure can help provide that. What if you’re only pursing superficial, tangible goals and God is protecting you from the pain of temporary success? Our life is but a vapor – fleeting, passing like the morning mist. God is looking for more than worldly achievements. He wants us to help change the world. Your value in His eyes has nothing to do with titles, cars and big homes. God doesn’t look on the outside; He looks at the heart. His ways are quite simply not our ways. In your failures, in your heartbreak, in your losses He is there and He can use all of these things to produce growth and change. Look for the lesson – for it is a gift for your future.