I Feel the Stress of it All

I don't know about you, but for me, today I'm feeling the stress of it all. I'm feeling the mental exhaustion of the COVID-19 pandemic. I'm feeling the strain of trying to maintain my professional and personal responsibilities. Heck, I feel the peculiar feeling of realizing it's June 1st already and I came home from work March 17th - and where did all that time go?! The Stay Home orders we've been under have robbed us of our usual markings of time. Monday to Friday passes in a flash with little to tell one day from the next. But, while it may contribute to what I feel, it's not the actual reason for the stress . . .

Our country is in a dire situation and something must be done. And I don't know what. Now, I'm feeling the weight of something I've only just begun to wrap my head around. My sisters and brothers of color have carried this weight - well, maybe forever. So, while I'm feeling it and you, white/non-black friend, may be feeling it, let's be clear, we have no idea. Not really.

Last Monday, George Floyd was murdered in an arrest. I don't have any clue if this was racially motivated or not, so please do not even go there. I know that to the people of color I'm hearing from, it feels like it all the same. I'm probably completely naive in even hinting that it could be anything other than race, I'll just own that. Either way, a black man was killed by a white policeman who gave no heed to the man's cry for mercy, for help, for his mama. The murder (and seemingly slow arrest of the officer) has led to protests and riots across the USA. I've seen reports of historic landmarks and churches burned down, both black and white business owners crying over the destruction of their businesses, torched police cars, abused animals, both black and white people terrified by what's happening in their communities, both black and white (and other ethnic groups) working together to clean up from the rampages. I've done my best to listen as objectively as this middle-aged comfortable white woman can to the cries of the oppressed and fearful. And I've begun to raise my voice. To speak to my "audience" for the need for those of us in the white community to say "It's not okay" and to come alongside our sisters and brothers with different skin tones and to stop judging everything. We're not the judge! We cannot understand.

Is everything that's happening right or good or the best way to create change? No. Of course not. But what are fed up people to do? It's a funny thing and I see it all. the. time. We expect people who are beaten down to be strong and make decisions from a place of strength. It's like when a person with mental illness is criticized for not tending to their mental health ... like a mentally healthy person would. What? That's not how it works. People who are tired and frustrated and feel oppressed and not heard will more than likely act like people who feel that way. And can we just refer back to paragraph 1 where  I discussed COVID-19? At this time, many haven't been with their normal support groups (family, friends, etc), may be out of work and at their breaking point. This is all TRAUMA. I'm not excusing anything but I am saying that so much of what we see is trauma-based. We have to develop some empathy around that.

Nonetheless, I'm feeling the stress. I feel tired. I want to go back to happy-go-lucky days. I don't want to watch the news. I don't want to feel the push and pull  of all of the arguments and "yeah, buts". I want to see the non-black community speak up against the killing without any "buts". I want to see Christian love on full display without qualifications. I want my black/brown friends to know that I love them even if I've been slow to understand these undercurrents. I want them to feel that from you, too.

I've never had to feel the fear of not having my child come home because of their skin color. I've never had to tell my children not to wear certain clothing because they might be mistaken as a criminal and shot "accidentally", I didn't have to train my children how to act were they ever pulled over or how to make a police officer (or anyone else) feel safe in their presence. To my knowledge, I've never been followed around a store to make sure I don't shoplift (though carrying a large purse does make me uncomfortable).

Dear white community, many of your well-educated, salary earning, successful friends feel scared and threatened just because of their skin color. That absolutely breaks my heart. I am committed to feeling this with them by having these less than rosy conversations. I'm willing to feel the stress and be uncomfortable with the strife around me in order to try, in my very small way, to bear some of the pain with my friends who look different than me. This is not an attempt to get you to look at me and applaud me (for what?!). It's an attempt to get you to stand with me as a white against racism and help hold up our friends during a really tough time. Let's see if we can learn something. Let's see if we can help make a difference. It's not really fair to ask the oppressed to free themselves. We have to do it. In love. In peace. In the name of Jesus.  Let's link arms and help "clean up".

It's Not Okay - a poem about hate

It’s Not Okay                                                     

By Stephanie Redmond copyright May 7, 2020

It’s not okay to hate

One another

Or each other

Because of skin

Or creed

It’s not okay to teach hate

Or spew hate

Or belittle others

Because they’re different from you

Or me

Or we

It’s not okay to be silent

And look away

Pretend not to see

Because it’s not me

Or mine

And act like it can’t be

Just because

It isn’t pretty

We are called to love

As God has loved us

Because He has loved us

It’s how we show the world

The love He has for us

ALL

We are all made in the image of God

Who loves us

And died for us

And commands us

To love

Our neighbor

As ourselves

Anything less is not okay

Pandemic Leadership

I've invented a new term - a new niche, if you will - for life coaching. The niche is called Pandemic Leadership. I'm pretty sure I'll make a fortune. Then again, maybe not, because it's  possible that the ones who are in need don't know it.

Some things to consider:

1. Are you responsible for a group, a team, an office? Are you a supervisor, executive, manager? 
2. As such, do people rely on you to lead, guide and direct their work, performance, or production?
3. Is your normal leadership style distinctly hands-off or very involved? (It may be more in the middle but how does it look to your team?_
4. Are you engaging with your team regularly?
5. Are you feeling uncertain as to what to do?
6. Are you feeling anxious yourself working from home and possibly with children/spouses there?
7. Are you worried about funding, the future, your job, your team members' jobs?
8. Are your supervisors communicating with you? 
9. Do you feel reluctant to engage lest you make a promise you can't keep or because you don't have a clue what to say?

Any of these could be reason enough to examine where you fall in the realm of Pandemic Leadership. 

Let me quickly reassure you that up until now you've done what you know to do. Whatever you (or others) may sense is lacking, you've done what you know to do and that's been the best you had to offer at the time. Just because someone else might have "done it better" or thinks you could have, doesn't mean you didn't give your best. The question is: can you/should you do more and if so, what?

Pandemic by definition means prevalent over a whole country or world. That's a lot to ponder. And it's a heavy weight for your team, too. You may not be able to affect the whole world but you can impact your team and that can have a ripple effect that can positively impact your organization and the people in it. If you can improve your small corner of the world, shouldn't you? Odds are your team needs you and is looking to you to show them the way through this uncharted territory.

Here are some very simple things that you can do to get started. 

• Put people over profits. People are your most valuable asset - and they can tell when you're thinking of them or when you're more worried about the bottom line (or yourself). Whether it's your team or your customers, it's incredibly valuable to put your energy into the people and what they need. Most need reassurance that you simply care. 
• Communicate in a meaningful way. In other words, show you care. Consider what speaks to them most. Is it time, or words of affirmation, a gift of some sort? A simple thank you card can hit many of these. Even a personal text can mean a lot. Broad messages of support, encouragement and the organizations ability to move through the pandemic to greener pastures are also essential. People need to be reassured!
• Communicate regularly. And I don't mean to check up on their work. Send out team emails - daily. Find things to share with them that are encouraging. They need to hear from you even if it seems silly. Set up individual calls and encourage supervisors under you to do the same. Have team meetings weekly, even if all you do is just hang out. This is the new way to open your office door. Your people need to see and hear you. 
• Be transparent. I cannot stress this more. Yes, I can. BE TRANSPARENT !!! There. It is not a weak posture to admit that you feel uncertain or that you're learning how to manage the work, team, customers in this new situation. When you let your team know that you aren't working a perfect 9-5 day and that you've had to make adjustments to your workday, you give them permission to do the same. When you are willing to hold telemeetings with kids running around, they won't worry so much about their spouse walking through the room (just make sure they've got their pants on). 
• Be involved (but don't micromanage). Not sure there's much more to say. You've got to free your team to work on their own, but you still need to be involved. I encourage checking in now and again, see if they are clear on what they can be doing, free them from unnecessary tasks, respond to their emails and texts. 
• Reduce your expectations. You have to understand that your employees/team are in an imperfect, new environment for work - and they probably have kids, animals and spouses to contend with as they attempt to work. Most likely, they are not sitting at a desk in a private office. They might be using their bed for their desk. Be okay with a different output than normal. It's expected. Allow them to work when it's best for them as long as they're reasonably available when needed and respond in a timely way.
• Listen for clues that your team needs help. Read between the lines. Are they quiet? Are they trying to clue you in to something? Are they using words like bored, lonely, tired? These can be indicators that you need to engage personally. Make a phone call. Set up a facetime coffee chat. 

The heart of this is really one thing and it goes back to the first thing. People over profits. That's not to say the profits don't matter. Of course they matter. But, taking care of the people will ultimately help you take care of the profits (or the program you're managing). You are your team's leader. You don't have to be the CEO to be the leader. You might be an executive or you might be a middle manager -  it doesn't matter. Your leaders may be dropping the ball, but you don't have to. During this pandemic, true leaders will rise to the occasion and make sure their team feels supported and cared for. This will take intention and may require more creativity than what you've done in the past. And when we all get "back to normal" or our new normal, your team will thank you and I believe your organization and leadership will be stronger than ever.

Reflections During a Pandemic

I don't know about you, but I've basically been home since March 17th (as I recall). That was the day our country/state/city began to recognize what was happening with COVID-19 - the coronavirus. It had really begun to be clear on the Friday before but it took our office a day or so to make the decision to limit office attendance.

And so, now it's Easter Weekend - April 11th. My emotions have darted all over the place. As the government imposed more and more restrictions, as death tolls began to climb, as more and more tested positive with the virus - including people I know - the nearer and nearer the danger seemed.

In the beginning, I joked that my health is strong and I'd like to sign up for an 11 day Mediterranean Cruise for $798. That was before - before it all seemed real, before we were talking about being carriers of the virus and infecting others unknowingly. We were simply sent home and charged with serving 1 day a week at the office to monitor phones and take care of things that aren't so easy to do at home as our files are confidential. We expected to be home about 2 weeks and then we'd "return to normal". Isn't that what we all thought?

We took a little family trip and gathered with others who had drastically limited their contact with others. We sprayed down every inch of our hotel room with fabric disinfectant and wiped every surface with disinfectant wipes. The hotel no longer offered daily housekeeping so no one else entered the room during one's stay. We avoided restaurants and stores along the way. When our granddaughter (and grandmom) needed to potty along the way, I wiped down all surfaces with disinfectant wipes and of course, we'd already been following proper handwashing procedures for a couple of weeks.

Then we were home, but not at "shelter in place" status. We gathered with one child's family at an ice cream shop and took our camp chairs which we set up in the green area in the parking lot. That was nice. I picked up my granddaughter who was learning to walk, but no snuggly kisses and lots of hand sanitizer (new norm).

Grocery shopping has been another whole thing. I've resisted buying large quantities of anything due to the limited availability of items and a desire to avoid hoarding. Great idea except it seems others are hoarding and they may have been right as now we're strongly encouraged not to go anywhere especially grocery stores. (Kind of wish I'd hoarded a little more.) Here's our recent grocery shopping method:

1. Limit frequency.
2. Sanitize hands before going in.
3. Carry sanitizing wipes and sanitize cart myself (no matter what the store is doing).
4. Don face mask.
5. Limit touching things. Don't be like the lady climbing all over the refrigerator to get the cream on the very top and back, no gloves, no mask, grabbing another cream (that she didn't want) to knock over the ones in the back with, presumably later expiration dates. Note: there were only 4 creams in the fridge anyway. (Pardon me while I roll my eyes and glare at you!)
6. Anticipate shutdowns, restocking delays and buy (a little) more.
7. Go to a tiny grocery  - they have everything in stock, even flour, yeast and frozen vegetables.
8. Wipe card reader with sanitizing wipe before use.
9. Take groceries to car myself.
10. Sanitize hands.
11. Remove mask.
12. Sanitize hands and steering wheel. 
13. Cry a little because who expected all this.
14. Unpack groceries - putting away just the cold stuff because you're too worn out from the stress of being around other people who don't seem to respect the advice of medical professionals. 
15. Maybe cry a little more.
16. Spend a little time in prayer and giving thanks for what you have.
17. Put on some lotion.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. And now, it's Easter weekend. I've suggested to the kids that we Zoom during our virtual worship service so that we can sing and pray together. The babies might be loud but that's okay. (Reminder to self: Have hubs hook Chromecast back up so you can watch on big screen vs laptop.) My Easter lunch will be for we two not my normal crowd. You may wonder why we're not making an exception since "we're all quarantined". First of all, we're not all quarantined. Not really, just mostly. One child is a police officer and is still reporting for duty - though his doesn't require much contact. His wife works for the court and still has to report a couple of days a week. My husband and I have still made the occasional grocery store trip. My husband still has to go to work some and even though everyone is social distancing, contamination risks are still possible. So, yes, we could probably safely gather. But should we? We've decided no.

As I've processed that decision, I've also been reminded of friends whose grandchildren are far away and they couldn't have gathered anyway. In fact, most of our military years, we weren't home for many holidays (and my kids grandparents had to get by - we can too). Also, if one got sick because I had to have my time with them, I don't know if I could stand it. 

I feel as though we have been very conscientious. We've greatly reduced our in person interaction with everyone. When I dropped off Easter goodie bags to my kids, we didn't go inside. We didn't pick up the grands. We stood back and talked for a couple of minutes then left. And, we sanitized our hands before and after. 

I realize it's totally imperfect. I also realize you may do things differently. Maybe you're more restrictive, maybe less. Maybe your family has really, truly isolated themselves and can gather knowing for sure you've not been around anyone. I don't feel that sure and so we're not. It's that simple. 

But here's the thing. No matter whether we're physically together or not, Jesus is alive and we will celebrate His resurrection. We will  worship in spirit and truth. We will look forward to the time when we can gather again and gather we will! 

My tears have come in short bursts and I've allowed them. I've also spent time reflecting on good things. Joyful things! True things! I've prayed and asked God for all kinds of help for those in need. And I've given thanks for our many, many blessings. And in that, just as promised in Philippians 4:6-8, I've found peace. Peace that surpasses my understanding. And don't forget what Jesus says about worrying (Matthew 6).

Why Resolutions May Be Harmful to You

The rush of resolution-making is mostly over now that the calendar has flipped from Dec to Jan. But I fear that many are beating themselves up over it. I bet a lot of people reading this didn’t even make a resolution or choose a word or Bible verse or goal for the year and therefore, are admonishing themselves for not even doing that. After all, that’s what we’re supposed to do before a new year rolls over, right? I mean, if we’re serious about being a good person – a diligent person – a committed person for crying out loud. That’s what we do! And if we don’t, well, we don’t deserve the results anyway.

At least that’s what we (and everyone around us, it seems) are telling ourselves. Well, I’m here to set you free, sister! Resolutions may actually be bad for you. Resolutions set you up for a year of shaming and self-abuse that actually move you farther from your goals than ever. My coaching mentor, Sean Smith, just wrote a great piece about this topic and I’m just jumping on the band wagon because I want you to hear it. Resolutions don’t work. They’re just a way of telling yourself how you’re not good enough and reinforce old programming – the very programming you need to free yourself from in order to reach the goals and be who you are made to be! (Gah! This is what I call some deep kimchi.)

Last January, for the first time that I know of, I changed my way of thinking of goals. I had zero specific goals and rather (accidentally?) established a focus for the year that totally embodies what Sean talks about – although my words were different. I declared the new year to be “The Year of Me” and before you jump on my worldly, selfish verbiage, it was just the right thing. I have a rather long story about what I’d been through the year before and why I needed to focus on myself. I wasn’t seeking anything other than to discover what I truly needed and wanted and put into practice some good, healthy routines that would help me take care of myself. In Sean’s words, I embarked on loving and understanding myself. Period. And then I chose a word for the year that I felt was important to focus on: blessed.

In “The Year of Me”, I:

·         Spent more time in God’s word

·         Sat by the lake (a lot!)

·         Wrote poems and blogs

·         Took better care of my body by eating “delicious, nutritious food”

·         Gave myself permission to prioritize myself enough to go back to college

·         Immersed myself in my studies - happily

·         Said “Goodbye” to things that weren’t good for me or I them

·         Celebrated personal achievements

·         (Mostly) stopped criticizing my body

·         Learned to halt my negative self-talk and speak positive truth

·         Said “no” more often - even to "good things"

·         Memorized Psalm 139 which helped me see how special I am to God …

·         And Psalm 23 which helped me see how God, the ultimate Shepherd, cares for me and provides for me

These are some of the highlights. Learning to love myself more the way God loves me, I also reaped some benefits that are more like things we set up as goals.  I:

•   relinquished excess weight
• spent more time with family
• developed a more positive head talk
• grew in my relationship with God 
• started a new business 
• found more quiet time
• made new friends
• enriched my marriage

The thing is when we love and understand ourselves, we prioritize differently. We care for ourselves differently. We don’t need willpower. We can override negative programming. We are surer of our decisions and paths. And – we are freer to enjoy the life we have.

Do I ever fall back into old habits and programming? Sure, I do. BUT – that’s not the norm. I don’t spend time trying to silence my inner longings but rather try to understand them. And just a simple (not so simple) example to help you see what I mean – when I find myself craving food x, I’m more likely to seek to understand why I want it and what I’m actually craving (Peace? Control? A hug? Family time?). It’s a process.

Now, to be clear, I’m not anti-goals. But if you’re setting resolutions for things you’ve had a hard time achieving before that you believe you should be doing that somehow would define you as a good person or a successful person or a committed, valuable person, you may be setting yourself up for a painful defeat that results in more self-abuse and shame and guilt and stories of how you never do what you say you’re going to do and what a slacker you are. And that never, ever leads to true success. You, my friend, are “fearfully and wonderfully made” – a work of the Most High. Maybe you want to consider having 2 goals (Sean Smith) 1. Love 2. Understand – others, yourself, God, not necessarily in that order.

My word for the year is simple: BLOOM. My goals are to do things that help that process.

Well, that didn't go as planned!

Not every morning is perfect and cozy with everything going just to plan. Some mornings I jump on Facebook first – because I forgot to log off last night and notifications are glaring at me, demanding my attention. Some mornings I find myself off-track and out of kilter, catawampus. Today is that day.

There is nothing wrong. I’m not late or behind on anything. I just feel it. Off. I have certain things I do each morning and usually in a certain order. That gives me predictability and, to be honest, a sense of pride. I can brag about how forward-thinking and strategic I am. But I’m not.

I’m not one of those people who often laments the beast called “Facebook”. Nope. I like it. I enjoy the conversations and the pictures. I don’t care if everything is glamorized and filtered. It’s like an endless magazine to me – only I actually know these people.

Today, I heard my inner voice give its warning and I flat out ignored it. I checked my FB messages and then looked for my FB notifications and then started scrolling … And time passes. I use the excuse that my journal is full, so I can’t do that part of my routine. And I ignore the Bible sitting on top of the journal, postponing the reading for the day. And I sip my already cold coffee. And I consider writing. And I check my school grades again, even though I know everything is graded. By this time, my granddaughter is up and getting ready to leave. I immerse myself in that process because I love it. And now they’re gone.

It’s me, a cat, a dog, and a fresh cup of coffee. And thoughts. Thoughts of imperfection. Thoughts of my day. Thoughts of how easy it is to get off-track, off-plan, off-kilter. Any of us can be one micro decision away from derailing our best intentions. I’m no exception.

There’s good news though. At any point, we can make a new decision. We can reclaim our plan. We can turn from what we are doing to what we think we should be doing or what we want to want even if we don’t actually want it yet. We can take responsibility for where we are and the choices we’re making and when we do, we empower ourselves to choose differently. *raises both hands in praise*

How often are we victimized by our own choices? How often are we blaming our circumstance on things that we fully control. I’m a life coach – I’m just going to say it – Take responsibility and change what you can. Stop the blame game – it doesn’t serve you or anyone else. Every big blunder is a series of micro indiscretions. We have the ability to influence how our day goes and we need to stop blaming God and others for the choices we’re making. Whew! I feel better! I’ve been needing to hear that! How about you?

Can you picture it? The perfect Hallmark Christmas? Fire blazing, carols playing, lovers kissing. There are cookies being made, lights strung, cider brewing. The mood is cozy. The air is cold, but not too cold. We used to call it a Norman Rockwell scene but maybe the younger folk wouldn’t know who that is so now we talk about the perfect scene as being the kind in a Hallmark movie (or a card).

Recently, someone referred to my home as being the perfect backdrop for a Hallmark movie. No! Not mine. I mean thank you and all, but seriously, it’s not. But, I get it. It looked perfect – at least for a couple of hours.  It’s just that that isn’t real life. It’s the thing we create to keep our reputation intact and help others feel welcomed. Truth be told, I love doing it. I love having all the mess put away and creating beautiful scenes. I think it puts a little magic in the world and I always appreciate it when others do it for me. However, I don’t remember that they hid their mail stacks (like I did). I assume they don’t have kitchen counter clutter (like I do). And I compare myself against them.

No one but my husband (and maybe a couple of my kids in earshot) know it, but recently (Saturday), I cried to my husband that I never feel good enough, smart enough, Christian enough when compared against his family. And let me tell you, those thoughts do not come from them – they are all mine and they’re rooted in my own insecurities. I was fighting the perfectionism demon that I preach about all the time. And I was losing – because I know the truth.

In case you’re comparing your real life to my Instagram (like I do with people I think are near perfect), I have some things to share with you.

One of the little girls here was trying feverishly to get down and only perked up when offered the bribe of some t.v. time. 

I fought sugar woes all weekend and made myself sick Saturday night eating things I don't normally eat (and way too much of it). This is my get-back-to-healthy meal. And it wasn't as easy as it looks. I still ate "off-plan" things Sunday even though I felt so bad Saturday.

These little gingerbread houses were a pain in the butt to build ahead of time. I was hard-headed about it because I wanted the Hallmark kind of Christmas party. (It was worth it, though. Look at those smiles!)

This awesome HOCHO bar with Starbucks looks impressive. However, STBX mix requires milk not water. Beware! We had to make an extra trip to buy milk, remember to heat milk and still failed to keep it stocked during the party. 

My daughter and I had our own little Hallmark moment Sunday assembling some more Gingerbread houses. The guys didn't want to join in (football). Mine kept collapsing. I almost had to wash my mouth out with soap. 

This morning I hid the snack mix in the basket with the lid. The lid had been covering our junk that's normally spread on the counter.

 This table has been askew since the party and I don't really care. I only have to be "perfect" when others are looking.

This window - the same one I took pictures through at the party (when the sun was in a different position) - is filthy. So is the one beside it. Odds are it will stay that way.

And guess what. I forgot to put out the cider!