Reflections During a Pandemic

I don't know about you, but I've basically been home since March 17th (as I recall). That was the day our country/state/city began to recognize what was happening with COVID-19 - the coronavirus. It had really begun to be clear on the Friday before but it took our office a day or so to make the decision to limit office attendance.

And so, now it's Easter Weekend - April 11th. My emotions have darted all over the place. As the government imposed more and more restrictions, as death tolls began to climb, as more and more tested positive with the virus - including people I know - the nearer and nearer the danger seemed.

In the beginning, I joked that my health is strong and I'd like to sign up for an 11 day Mediterranean Cruise for $798. That was before - before it all seemed real, before we were talking about being carriers of the virus and infecting others unknowingly. We were simply sent home and charged with serving 1 day a week at the office to monitor phones and take care of things that aren't so easy to do at home as our files are confidential. We expected to be home about 2 weeks and then we'd "return to normal". Isn't that what we all thought?

We took a little family trip and gathered with others who had drastically limited their contact with others. We sprayed down every inch of our hotel room with fabric disinfectant and wiped every surface with disinfectant wipes. The hotel no longer offered daily housekeeping so no one else entered the room during one's stay. We avoided restaurants and stores along the way. When our granddaughter (and grandmom) needed to potty along the way, I wiped down all surfaces with disinfectant wipes and of course, we'd already been following proper handwashing procedures for a couple of weeks.

Then we were home, but not at "shelter in place" status. We gathered with one child's family at an ice cream shop and took our camp chairs which we set up in the green area in the parking lot. That was nice. I picked up my granddaughter who was learning to walk, but no snuggly kisses and lots of hand sanitizer (new norm).

Grocery shopping has been another whole thing. I've resisted buying large quantities of anything due to the limited availability of items and a desire to avoid hoarding. Great idea except it seems others are hoarding and they may have been right as now we're strongly encouraged not to go anywhere especially grocery stores. (Kind of wish I'd hoarded a little more.) Here's our recent grocery shopping method:

1. Limit frequency.
2. Sanitize hands before going in.
3. Carry sanitizing wipes and sanitize cart myself (no matter what the store is doing).
4. Don face mask.
5. Limit touching things. Don't be like the lady climbing all over the refrigerator to get the cream on the very top and back, no gloves, no mask, grabbing another cream (that she didn't want) to knock over the ones in the back with, presumably later expiration dates. Note: there were only 4 creams in the fridge anyway. (Pardon me while I roll my eyes and glare at you!)
6. Anticipate shutdowns, restocking delays and buy (a little) more.
7. Go to a tiny grocery  - they have everything in stock, even flour, yeast and frozen vegetables.
8. Wipe card reader with sanitizing wipe before use.
9. Take groceries to car myself.
10. Sanitize hands.
11. Remove mask.
12. Sanitize hands and steering wheel. 
13. Cry a little because who expected all this.
14. Unpack groceries - putting away just the cold stuff because you're too worn out from the stress of being around other people who don't seem to respect the advice of medical professionals. 
15. Maybe cry a little more.
16. Spend a little time in prayer and giving thanks for what you have.
17. Put on some lotion.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. And now, it's Easter weekend. I've suggested to the kids that we Zoom during our virtual worship service so that we can sing and pray together. The babies might be loud but that's okay. (Reminder to self: Have hubs hook Chromecast back up so you can watch on big screen vs laptop.) My Easter lunch will be for we two not my normal crowd. You may wonder why we're not making an exception since "we're all quarantined". First of all, we're not all quarantined. Not really, just mostly. One child is a police officer and is still reporting for duty - though his doesn't require much contact. His wife works for the court and still has to report a couple of days a week. My husband and I have still made the occasional grocery store trip. My husband still has to go to work some and even though everyone is social distancing, contamination risks are still possible. So, yes, we could probably safely gather. But should we? We've decided no.

As I've processed that decision, I've also been reminded of friends whose grandchildren are far away and they couldn't have gathered anyway. In fact, most of our military years, we weren't home for many holidays (and my kids grandparents had to get by - we can too). Also, if one got sick because I had to have my time with them, I don't know if I could stand it. 

I feel as though we have been very conscientious. We've greatly reduced our in person interaction with everyone. When I dropped off Easter goodie bags to my kids, we didn't go inside. We didn't pick up the grands. We stood back and talked for a couple of minutes then left. And, we sanitized our hands before and after. 

I realize it's totally imperfect. I also realize you may do things differently. Maybe you're more restrictive, maybe less. Maybe your family has really, truly isolated themselves and can gather knowing for sure you've not been around anyone. I don't feel that sure and so we're not. It's that simple. 

But here's the thing. No matter whether we're physically together or not, Jesus is alive and we will celebrate His resurrection. We will  worship in spirit and truth. We will look forward to the time when we can gather again and gather we will! 

My tears have come in short bursts and I've allowed them. I've also spent time reflecting on good things. Joyful things! True things! I've prayed and asked God for all kinds of help for those in need. And I've given thanks for our many, many blessings. And in that, just as promised in Philippians 4:6-8, I've found peace. Peace that surpasses my understanding. And don't forget what Jesus says about worrying (Matthew 6).

Oh Yes You Can!

Let me get right to the point this morning. How long are you going to stay where you are, doing what you’re doing and refusing to change? There. I said it. I asked the real question. The one that gnaws at me in my own soul. How long are you going to complain about not getting results you didn’t work for? How long are you going to accept a mediocre version of yourself and pretend that it’s the best you can give.

Hold on! That last one really pricks. It stings. It smacks at the hardcore unvarnished truth. Well, now. I didn’t expect to go that deep that fast.

Listen, if I don’t tell it to you straight, I’m not doing you any good. If you’re going to shut me out every time I speak up, why am I even here? In fact, if you’re going to complain and whine about all of my [awesome] suggestions, I’m going to quit helping you.  I’m going to shut up. I’m going to quit telling you the truth and let you see how long you’ll stay happy swimming in your mediocre muck!

Soul Food

Whoo, boy! That cuts, doesn’t it? Sharp, sharp words. Mean and nasty – and oh, so true! Like you, like your friends and neighbors, I’m a master at self-victimization. Only thing is, I don’t call it that. I call it “doing the best I can” or “that’s just how I am” or “the stars weren’t aligned, it wasn’t God’s will, I can’t help it”. But the truth is, I’m allowing it and worse than that, I’m causing it. And so are you.

Every time we blame others or circumstances for our situation, we victimize ourselves. Every time we deny our ability to change, we surrender the power we have over the situation and label ourselves as helpless. Just because we use euphemisms to describe it doesn’t mean we’re not doing it. Let’s get real about it.

The thing is – I don’t think we need to blame anyone.  And that means ourselves, too. Blaming and accusing isn’t great material for growth. I say, let’s just acknowledge our position of power. Let’s reclaim our personal choice in the matters that matter. There are tons of things we cannot control in a day, for sure. But, my question is, what are we doing about the ones we can control?

My health food.

•                 What are we putting in our mouths?
•                 How and when are we strengthening our bodies?
•                 When are we going to bed, getting up, feeding our souls?
•                 How much time are we spending on social media, watching junk t.v., reading meaningless material, texting instead of talking, while we complain that we don’t make enough money, have meaningful relationships, weigh what we want, have any energy?

This isn’t sexy to talk about – I know it. But my friend, if we don’t face up to how we’re sabotaging our hopes and dreams, we will keep riding the hamster wheel that’s taking us nowhere. Encouragement is not patting someone, even yourself, on the head and saying “You did the best you could. You’re all you can be. You can’t help it.” No. Real encouragement is saying, “Put on your shoes and let’s run this race together! You can do more than you think. You are worth another shot. God loves you and so do I!”. Real encouragement calls a brother or sister up alongside. Real encouragement is laced with tons of belief in a person’s ability to rise above their circumstance.

I’m not here to tell you that you don’t need God. In fact, I’m not even here to tell you that you don’t face some real challenges. But I am here to challenge you to take responsibility for your say so in the matter. I’m here to challenge you to consider how you might do things differently if you’re not getting the results you want. I’m issuing a call to CHANGE.

Urgent or important?

I believe God is in control of our ultimate destiny. The Bible says, “A man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps” (paraphrased, Proverbs 16:9). And I personally believe in seeking God and His will for our lives. I also believe that we make many decisions each day that play a part in how we travel this life. I’m suggesting here that we might benefit from taking an honest look at our choices day in and day out and reckon with their impact on our current situation. This is what I mean when I say we need to take our power back and stop putting ourselves in the role of victim.

Consider some things:

•                 Who are you hanging around and do they encourage you to grow - by their words, by their own choices? Are they of excellent character? (Can you love them without spending tons of time around them if they’re not?)
•                 How do you run your day? Are you in control of your time? Are you making time for what’s truly important or simply chasing after the urgent all day?
•                 What are you putting in your brain? Do you read uplifting, intellectual things? Is your thought life driven by trashy books, disparaging comedy/music, the news, your social media feed – to name a few that I judge as draining, depleting?
•                 Are you feeding your soul intentionally?
•                 Are you finding your feel-good moments in ways that do not serve you? (Food, alcohol, drugs, porn, egomania)
•                 Are you satisfied with being less than you believe you were created to be?

What change are you resisting that you know would help you? We are afraid of change. I get it. If we change, others may not accept us. If we change, everything will be different. If we change we can never do x, y or z again – or so we fear.  I only know who I am now. How can I be something else? I get that.

Here’s an idea. What if you stop trying to do all the right things and you concentrated on who you want to be? I decided I want to be healthy. That changed some choices for me. I decided I want to be in full integrity with myself and that led to me changing some disingenuous behavior. I decided I want to be more in tune with God and so I began to create more time for time in the Word and prayer. I decided I wanted to be a more powerful person for myself and others and so I began to change and adopt some habits that are more in alignment with that desire.

My friend. You have more control than you think. You, like me, are making choices day in and day out that are impacting your place in life. I personally don’t know anyone who can’t improve in some area or another so trust me, I’m not putting you down. My goal is to help you look up and decide to pick yourself up. Come on now. You can do it.

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What is This Life Coaching Thing Anyway? (and Why I Have a Coach)

Life Coaching – fastest growing and maybe most misunderstood profession. We’ve talked about this. You can read my other blog here. I think people want to know though. They want to get what life coaching looks like and are curious if a life coach could help them. You may be curious if life coaching could help you.

Answer: It depends. It depends on so much.

Things that affect the success of Life Coaching:

                Rapport – Do you mesh with your life coach? This is so key that actual studies have been done on it. Let me sum it up this way: no rapport, virtually no success. You may find some victory without rapport, but I wouldn’t count on it. In fact, rapport can bring success even when the coach lacks skills. Rapport is the magic juice of coaching, in my humble opinion. The fairy dust. Rapport keeps you engaged with your coach, allows your coach to speak frankly with you, cuts through the muck and mire to find out what’s really going on.

                Trust – A little different than rapport but no less important. Trust gives you security and is based on the reliability of the coach. It allows you to explore areas that you’ve been hiding from yourself, speak the truth, know your coach will maintain confidentiality, and bring their best to the conversation, looking out for your best.

                Willingness to change – If you’re unwilling to change, well, nothing will change. That’s not completely true. Some things may change but they’ll be externally charged. A willingness to change puts you in the driver’s seat and helps you realize new victories and experiences.

                Vulnerability – With good rapport and trust, you feel secure in being vulnerable with your coach. When you’re willing to be vulnerable, you avail yourself to deeper coaching and, in my opinion, faster results.

                Transparency – Similar to vulnerability, but I’m putting this one on the coach. A coach shouldn’t be pouring their hearts out to their clients, but that doesn’t mean they should act inhuman. A transparent coach increases trust and rapport. Transparency helps the client feel understood and not so alone in their struggles.

Coaching can be understood by comparing it to counseling. Counseling primarily deals with the past and how it’s affecting the client today. As a result, counseling works a lot on past stories and events. In counseling, the counselor acts as an expert and advises the client/patient. Coaching is focused on the future. Coaches may explore your past, but it’s as you bring up things that are relevant to your goals, keeping you stuck. Coaches help release the hold past events have on you and help you see ways to operate beyond that story. Note: this is a very simplistic definition and is not intended to elevate one profession over the other. Coaches are not acting as the expert on a subject as much as a helper or ally. In coaching, the client sets the pace, determines their goals and how to measure them. The differences may be cloudy at times and certainly there are similarities, still they remain separate.

Do coaches have coaches?

Yes, though not always. Coaches may believe they don’t need a personal coach, but I can’t see how this serves clients best. Everyone has blind spots. Everyone has weaknesses. Everyone needs to be challenged at times in order to reach their potential, even highly motivated individuals. A coach can bring a much sharper game when they themselves are coached. As a coach, I can be just as easily caught up in limiting beliefs, fears, and small thinking as anyone. By submitting myself for coaching, I have help examining these issues so that each week I’m bringing my clients the best me possible at that time. (See how I’m being transparent here? I don’t have all the answers.)

Some things I’ve heard from my coach(es):

                I hear defiance.

I don’t think I’m being defiant.

                Have you tried centered breathing?

Nope. Haven’t specifically heard of it.

                Let’s go through a total truth letter.

Oh, boy! *feels nervous*

                Why are you judging that?

Didn’t realize I was.

                What are you pretending not to know?

Ummmm – huh?

One of my clients wrote an article about her coaching experience recently. She said that I “help her untie the brain knots”. I think that’s an excellent description of the coaching experience. I’m the other ears, the other eyes. I have a different perspective – and you’re safe with me.

Coaching By Stephanie