I waited my whole life to feel good about myself

I’m sitting here, one foot propped on my patio table, wearing a cheap pink, bendable, cowboy hat with an even cheaper rhinestone band, wondering when I first felt less than. When did I begin to feel not pretty enough, not smart enough, not rich enough? Well, let’s be real, we weren’t rich at all. But when and better yet, why, did that awareness creep in and start to infect my sense of self-worth?

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One of my first truly embarrassing moments happened when I was no more than six years old. It was on the school playground. Like all the other little girls in 1968, I had on a proper little school dress. My dresses usually had big white collars and mama joked that she always knew what I’d had for lunch because it was all over my collar. It must’ve been early in first grade. A group of us were playing on the Jungle Jim (Gym?) and I decided to do my great “hang upside down” trick. All of a sudden, a group of boys started cackling hysterically, pointing and yelling about being able to see my underwear. Maybe that was it. I don’t recall shame or embarrassment before then.

I remember not liking this photo at all
and feeling bad about myself.

Maybe it was the time my mom was swimsuit shopping. She was still in her twenties and I thought she was beautiful.She was  beautiful! I don’t remember everything about that shopping trip, but I do remember her complaining and being upset about herself. Maybe it was then.

Or did it happen through a series of events? Mom not liking her knees. Me deciding and saying that I didn’t like my knees – in sixth grade, when I was slim and had on an adorable brown denim mini skirt with a butterfly applique.

I don’t know when it began. I don’t know how it was perpetuated.  All I know is that for my entire adult life and a good many years before then I didn’t feel good about myself. I felt good about certain things about myself but not me so much. And I’m pretty sure I thought it would be detrimental and possibly even unchristian to actually like myself. Unladylike. Improper.

I liked my smile. I thought I could be funny. I used to like my overall shape but I also thought I was too overweight for a bikini on my honeymoon. (I was a size 10 and quite fit.) I was a dancer. I was a swimmer and a lifeguard. Looking back, I'd even say I was pretty cute, too. I remember people commented on my looks. Men looked at me. But I didn’t feel worthy. The boys I liked liked other girls more. While trying to be seen, I also tried to hide.


I know I was reasonably smart. I made decent grades and was a leader. Still, I didn't feel accepted or popular. Why? And it's funny because I hung out with a pretty popular group and they were smart, too. I was able to skip my Senior year and start college instead, but that made me feel lucky, not smart. I could sing, but didn't rate myself well compared to others. 

The story is complicated. It took a few turns. Some good, some not so much. In my search for acceptance, in my desperate state, I got involved with someone who abused me emotionally. As a result, I let myself believe a pack of lies. My husband has done everything he knows to reassure me and yet for most of our marriage, I’ve felt unworthy of his love and attention. I was continuing the abuse myself, judging myself for being abused and denying myself the love I deserved ... from me.

My absolute favorite outfit these days! 

I could write a book about all the details, but my guess is you already know a lot of them, for it’s your story, too. Blame doesn’t fix it and losing weight without addressing the other issues will most likely be temporary. At the end of the day, you have to get to the point where you can see your strengths and applaud them. Take note of your weaknesses and work around them. Find someone who can help you unravel the lies and see the truth that you are valuable just like you are. That's my goal today. I want to speak truth into your life and urge you to stop abusing yourself. I want to loosen some of the strongholds on you and say, "Get free! Love yourself!". 

Somehow, in what feels like a miraculous chain of events that includes those things I just mentioned, I gained the determination to let me out of my prison. I have been letting my excess weight go. I feel secure in myself and safe. I don't need the weight to protect me any longer. I have let go of the need for others to approve of me (mostly). I have found joy in trying new things and answering my calling. And just this week, I looked in the mirror and realized I like me for the very first time in my life and I’m almost 57 years old. That's a long time to wait to like yourself, people. God loves you - as you are. The least you can do is love yourself. Sure, you're flawed. We all are. But tell me this, how can you expect others to love you if you don't even love yourself? 

Still can't believe how much has changed -
and it doesn't all show in the mirror!

So, what about you? Could you maybe just decide to start today? Stop judging yourself so harshly and start approving of yourself. Stop measuring your value by your clothing size or your weight and start looking on the inside – where God judges us. Stop punishing yourself and start rewarding yourself.

I implore you to find a new way. 57 years is too long to wait. In fact, one more minute spent hating on yourself is too much. Stop it and START discovering how very awesome you are!